Introduction

Hey everyone. I'm Adam Breckenridge, director of Coaching at your Enneagram coach, and I'm joined by my good friend Brian Lee, who is the coaching manager at Y E C. Brian and I have the privilege of working together every day to serve our community of certified Enneagram coaches. And for the next few episodes, we're gonna be standing in for our friends, Beth and Jeff McCord to host your Enneagram coach, the podcast. And we wanna welcome you to the show and say thank you for joining us. It's our mission here at Y E C to help you see yourselves with astonishing clarity so that you can break free from self condemnation, from fear and shame by knowing and experiencing the unconditional love, forgiveness, and freedom in Christ. And if you love this content, then turn on the automatic downloads or like, and subscribe to your, to our YouTube channel. Also share this with someone who would enjoy, uh, or benefit from this content. And if you follow the podcast, uh, you've met Brian and me before, but why don't we kick things off with some brief introductions. So, Brian, thanks for being here today. Why don't you go first and, and tell us a little bit about yourself. Yeah, thanks. Uh, I'm Brian. I'm a type one. I've social subtype. We've got a whole lot of a nine wing. Been married to my wife Victoria for 13 years. We have a seven year old son with another one on the way. Woo. Congrats. We got based down in, yes, thank you. Based down in Richmond, Virginia. 20 plus years of pastoral ministry, mostly as a worship pastor, um, certified Enneagram coach with Y E C, um, running Gospel centered Enneagram as my business also recently created. Broken To Beloved, which is a summit and community for people who have experienced spiritual abuse and religious trauma. And I love hanging out with you, Adam. I love hanging out with you too, man. Yeah. For the, for the, for the, to the listener. If you haven't checked out, Brian's Broken to Beloved stuff, you've gotta look that up. Also, Brian, I, I think I always forget that you're, you're a worship pastor. I mean, what are the chances that at some point this summer. As we're hosting the podcast together, could we get you to maybe play and sing us a song on an episode? Slim To Slim to Slim. But we can see. All right, I'm gonna keep twisting your arm. Um, yeah. Thanks Brian. So good to be with you. I, I really love hanging out with you. Um, so brief introduction to me. Uh, if you haven't met me, like I said, my name's Adam, type six on the Enneagram. Uh, married to my wife Carrie for 17 years. We have three girls. They are 11, eight and seven. We also have a Golden Doodle, which is also a girl. Um, recently we bought a Roomba True Story, uh, one of those little robots that vacuums your floor. And on the app you can name the Roomba and um, I. I said, this is gonna be a boy, I'm gonna find, I'm gonna get the son that I've, I've always wanted for. So we, uh, the kids, the girls decided that the room's name would be Doug. So Doug responds to voice commands. And um, up until just a few weeks ago, my oldest daughter had a note. She did this all on her own, by the way. She had a note on the outside of her door that said, no, no boys allowed. And then in parentheses it said, except for my dad and Doug. So, um, that's my life. Little snapshot of my life. We live in Conway, Arkansas. Uh, I've been a pastor also for 20 plus years, also a certified Enneagram coach, and I get to serve as the director of coaching. So, Uh, which means I get to work with, uh, our amazing community of coaches every day alongside the amazing Brian Lee. Um, and for the next several episodes, you know, Brian and I only get to work together day in and day out with our coaches. But like I said, we're gonna get to host the Y E C podcast together, and we have some really fun topics that we're excited about and some amazing guests that will be coming on the show, and we can't wait to share it all with you over the next several weeks. Yep, that's right. Um, and I'm excited to get into the theme that we're focusing on for the next few episode, which is the Enneagrams Impact on Personal Growth and Transformation. And on today's episode, we're gonna be talking about what is truly the apex or the goal of the transformational journey, which is, Simply and very, uh, not simply to become a person of love, right? Mm-hmm. So the big idea that we're talking about today is how applying the wisdom of the Enneagram helps us to become the kind of person who is marked by love. And again, that's really the ultimate goal of transformation. The goal of what it means to be a good human. It's the point that we're all trying to reach instead of. Ego, self-centeredness, judgmentalism being reactionary or defensive. Um, the truest part of us wants to be a person of love. So Adam, can you kind of expound on that idea a little bit more? Yeah, I'm happy to try, but I. I really think you said it best, Brian. I mean, the goal of transformation is love, and nowhere do you see this more clearly than in, in what Jesus calls the greatest commandments, which is to love God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength, and to love your neighbor as you love yourself. You know, Jesus makes it really clear. That the essence of the spiritual life or the definition of what it means to be a good human is that you are able to do relationship with God, with others, and with yourself in a way that is shaped and marked by love. Uh, Jesus' vision for life and the kingdom of God is that essentially we abide in God's love. We are changed by God's love so that we become love. And the love of God then overflows in all of our relationships, including how we treat and relate to ourselves, which we're gonna talk about in this episode. So this is the goal of maturation. I mean, this is the goal of transformation or spiritual formation or sanctification, or whatever ancient word you want to use. Th this, this really is the apex and it's, it's who we all long to be. The question is that, that we're kind of wrestling with today is how do we get there? Um, I know for me, if I audit my relationships, if I take a look at my life, I often see a gap between where I am and who I wanna be. I wanna be this person of love. I wanna be this person who, you know, my knee jerk response is grace and compassion and kindness and gentleness. I wanna be that way with my kids. I wanna be that way with my wife. I wanna be that way with my enemies. I mean, that's, mm-hmm. I think it was Dallas Willard who said the ultimate like definition of spiritual health and maturity is you have a, an automatic knee jerk reflex to love your enemy, uh, when you're harmed. I, man, so if I audit my life, I, I, I really do see this gap between becoming that person who I want to be and then where I actually am. Um, and so how do we close that gap? How do we get there? The answer to that question is, is clearly beyond the scope of, of a podcast episode. So let's just be honest about that. Uh, a lot of ink has been spilled, wrestling with this question. A lot of sermons preached a lot, a lot. So it's, it's bigger than a podcast episode, and certainly there are a lot of ways that we can talk about how to close that gap. But for our purposes today, what Brian and I want to talk about is how the Enneagram is one tool that's very effective, one tool that you can use to help you grow. And close the gap to become a person who loves God, loves others, and loves yourself better. And we've identified five basic ways that Enneagram helps us here. So Brian, you wanna kick us off and start? Yeah, absolutely. Um, and just so we don't bury the lead, I'm gonna tell you all five right up front before we jump in. Uh, the five ways that we are gonna talk about today are the gift of self-awareness that the Enneagram gives us, allows us to stay present. The gift of communication, of compassion and empathy and then grace and compassion for ourselves. But before we jump into that, I wanna start by setting the table a little bit, um, because there are so many places we could take this conversation, right? Just what is love? Who is my neighbor? What does it mean to love myself? Um, and I think that while a lot of us have heard that passage from Matthew 22 before, I feel like we tend to hear the love your neighbor part taught and preached a lot. And we miss the as yourself. Um, and Adam, I don't know if you've noticed, but over the last, I don't know, eight to 10 years, it seems like our nation has gotten increasingly more divided and polarized. Our world has gotten more divided and polarized. Yeah. I see a big shift in thinking towards either or. Or dualistic thinking. Um, if I think this, then the other must not be true or good, or right. If I take this stance, then you are either with me or against me. There's no ability to hold two things in tension. Yeah. Um, and it's very black and white thinking and so I feel super familiar with it because I'm the type one and I love to do black and white thinking. Right. Um, however, this kind of thinking continues to drive us apart as people. As human beings, as children of God. So what I have tried to do over the last couple of years and the work that I've been doing is challenging myself to stop saying but, and start saying, and, mm, anytime I use the word, but in a sentence or a phrase, I find that it dismisses and minimizes anything that was said before it. Yeah. Um, whether it's me or someone else, right. When I shift to, and it allows for non-dualistic thinking, it says that two things can be true. Um, and I think in a lot of our churches and faith environments, we've heard love your neighbor taught as something good and holy, but love yourself is selfish and self-absorbed. Yeah. And I wanna move towards and thinking, Yeah, that we are called to love our neighbor and love ourselves. Yes. So I would argue that, um, in reality, it's something else altogether, right? Self-love or self-care. Um, there's this idea that it's navel gazing at best and just straight out narcissism at worst. Um, when I hear as yourself, I see the root of that phrase tied up in our identity. It's about who I am. Right. Um, and if who I am is a beloved child of God, then why would I love myself less than the God of the universe does? Mm-hmm. It devalues who I am. It Wait, wait. Just glosses over. Wait, go ahead. You gotta say, you gotta say, you gotta say that again. Can you say that again? Mm-hmm. Yeah. If who I am is a beloved child of God, then why would I love myself less than God does? Because it devalues me to do so. Right? Yeah. It's like painting on a false humility of, oh, I am a lowly worm. It's like, no, I'm a beloved child of God. That's my identity. Yes. So on the other side of that, if I don't love myself, then how can I possibly hope to love my neighbor? That phrase is tied together. Love your neighbor as yourself. Right. So when it comes to Enneagram work, we talk about how our core motivations work in overdrive for us to feel seen and loved, thoughts, feelings, actions, or behaviors that come out of all those nine different core motivations are just a misguided attempt to gain love. Mm. And the gospel tells us that we are already loved. Yeah. Romans tells us that there's nothing we can do to change the amount of how much we are loved. Nothing can separate us from it, right? Nothing that we do. Nothing that we don't do will change that, right? So when we are able to receive that gift of love, embrace our identity as beloved, then we can begin to understand and offer that love to other people. When we refuse that gift or deny it, then we limit our own capacity to love others, right? Mm-hmm.

The Gift of Self-Awareness

Yes. So just to set the table, so when we look at the first gift that the Enneagram brings in growing towards love, Is the gift of self-awareness. Yeah. Right. And again, I think people hear that and they kind of have this visceral reaction like, oh, maybe that's not a good thing. Mm-hmm. Um, but when it comes to self-awareness, the Enneagram offers us the gift of seeing ourselves clearly. Hmm. It helps us to answer the questions, what is it like to be me? What is it like to be with me? Um, you hear a lot about emotional intelligence today, right? And so many leaders out there would tell you that the number one identifying marker of successful leaders or successful people is a high emotional intelligence. That's right. That's right. And awareness of self and awareness of others. So what the Enneagram does is it offers, and we hear Beth and Jeff say this all the time, it offers you a true and nonjudgmental view of yourself. Yeah. It's like your best friend just saying, Hey, you know you do this thing all the time, right? Yeah. And they're just saying it in all love and just stating a matter of fact, and if we are willing and able to hear it and receive, we're like, yeah, you're right. I totally do. And I don't, I don't know why I do it. It's the Roman seven that Paul's just venting of, why do I keep doing this thing that I don't wanna do? Right? When I recognize that my way of seeing, feeling, thinking in the world is not the only way, then it opens us up to this whole new range of possibilities. And as a one when I realize it's also not the best way, or the only way, or the right way, then I also get to grow by leaps and bounds. The world is way bigger than me or the way that I see it. And then the Enneagram shows us there are nine totally different perspectives that are all valid ways of seeing the world. So it pulls me out of that self-centeredness and ego and towards a self-awareness. Um, It points out the log in my eye when I'm really tempted to see the spec in someone else's. Um, again, just putting off that judgmentalism or criticism, which is the opposite of love. I think the opposite of awareness is ignorance. Yeah. Where some people wanna put in the work to learn about themselves. Others will put in the work to willfully ignore feedback and self-reflection. I've seen it over and over and over again. Um, Joseph Conrad has this really great quote. It is my belief that no man ever understands quite his own artful dodges to escape from the grim shadow of self-knowledge. And I think for some of us it's, we've spent our whole life building up this identity for myself. And it's like now in three lies, I am what I have, I am what I do, or I am what others say and think about me. Mm-hmm. And so if I were to take a moment to examine. And ask possibly, maybe one of these things isn't true or good, then the entire identity falls apart. That's right. And so they just choose to keep ignoring it, right? Yep. When we're able to, again, embrace that identity as God's beloved, all of that changes, and we don't have to keep up that facade. So change always begins with awareness. Mm-hmm. The Enneagram shines a light on our blind spots, which are usually the patterns that disrupt our relationships with others, and with the self-awareness, we get to seek. And lean in more to our healthiest selves. Oh man. That's so good, Brian. Um, and there's so many threads I wanna pull. I kind of, I kind of wanna make the whole episode today about self-awareness, but, um, you know that Conrad, that Joseph Conrad line reminds me of that, of that blaze Pascal line where Pascal's basically to para, to paraphrase Pascal, he says All of man's problems stem from his inability to sit alone with himself. Yeah. And, and what Pascal is getting at is because we don't wanna see ourselves, we, we don't wanna see the things beneath the surface that we're, you know, we're trying to dodge to use Conrad's language. So, but here's the question is, if you've ever tried to do close relationship, whether, whether it's with an employee, a boss, uh, you know, a family member, a friend, a spouse, or whatever, with someone who is completely unselfaware, you know, it's really hard to. It, it, it's hard to do relationship and, and, and we've all, we've also all been that person. So it, it's a, a scary question is to ask a person that you're in close relationship with, what is it like to be on the other side of me? What is it like to be with me? Yeah. And what we're getting at here is that a lack of self-awareness actually hinders our ability to do healthy relationship or to put it more clearly to, to, to love. It actually gets in the way of love. If I'm walking around blind, I'm gonna run into people. I'm gonna keep bumping into people and causing hurt even if it's unintentional. So, man, the Enneagram, bringing the gift of self-awareness is one powerful way that it helps us to become a person of love.

Stay Present

The second way applying the Enneagram can help us to love is that the Enneagram helps us stay present, stay present. Another way to say that is the Enneagram helps us stay awake. Um, Beth talks about, uh, how the Enneagram functions, like rumble strips on a highway. Mm-hmm. So if you, if you've ever hit the rumble strip, you know, it's a very disruptive experience. It's a disorienting experience. Um, the Rumble Strip makes this irritating warning sound and it shakes the whole car, you know, and the whole point of that is that a Rumble Strip is designed to alert you. Hey Adam. You're drifting off course. And so when I see that, when, when I, when I see these reactionary defensive patterns in my life, it's, it's, it's a hit, it's a rumble strip, it's a wake up call that I'm drifting off my best path. Mm-hmm. Um, and so therefore I have a chance to, to turn around and, and kinda like you said, Brian, lean into my best self, lean into my best path of who God made me to be. Um, so I get to turn away from kind of anxious defensive patterns of doing relationship to, um, to patterns of, of giving and receiving, and patterns of vulnerability and, and, and patterns that help me to, to actually love other people. Another way that the Enneagram helps us to stay present is that it, it really helps us locate ourselves emotionally. So it, it helps us know where we are in our internal world. So, Um, there's a question that, that God asks. Uh, the first humans in Genesis three, he asked this question of, where are you? And it's not a geographical question cuz God knows where they are. Right? He knows Adam's hiding behind the bush or whatever. It's not a geographical question, it's a relational question. Um, God is inviting us to come out of hiding and to come into relationship. But here's the key is. If I don't know where I'm at, so God's asking, where are you? And if I don't know where I'm at, it's really hard for for me to be in the same place with him, if that makes sense. So, so often as a type six, I'm operating out of fear, and Enneagram will shine a spotlight on that and name it for me. But if I'm not aware that I'm afraid God is already in the place of my fear, but, but I'm not there with him. So I, I, I'm not in that place. I'm, I'm on the surface running from my fear or acting out of it. And so what I've essentially done is built a wall between me and God, and I'm, I'm, I'm actually avoiding intimacy and relationship and it's, it's, it's true with others. Like if, if I don't know where I'm at internally, it's hard for me to show up in relationship to my wife. It's hard for me to show up in my relationship with you, Brian. So, um, I, I can't be with you if I don't know where I'm at. Because we can't be in the same place together. Um, I can, I might be able to be with you, but not really with you, if that makes sense. Yeah. Um, so I think the whole, the whole point I, that I wanna summarize here with is just with this, this idea that relationship or love requires emotional presence and, and it requires emotional encounter. And the Enneagram is a, is a phenomenal tool at kind of pulling us over into the right brain, helping us get beneath. Beneath the level of, of consciousness into what's going on inside of me in my emotional world, what am I feeling? What am I desiring? What am I longing for? What am I afraid of right now? What is it that I want? The Enneagram brings us into that space. Anything you would add to that, Brian? I mean, what, what goes on in you when you, when you sit with this thought? Yeah, that's great. Uh, what goes on in me right now is the way all the different types are firing off in my head. Of how they might respond to this, right? So for people who are in the heart center or the feeling triad, right? Um, how they might have easy access to those feelings or emotions and still not be fully present. Sure. Because of how they're responding to the relationship, they're so wrapped up in feeling someone else's feelings or feeling their own feelings or repressing their feelings or whatever it is. Or for three sevens and eights who are oriented to the future. And just in that assertive stance, um, who may find it hard to be present. With someone or be with them in a moment because they're, they're pushing ahead to the next thing, right. Or whatever it is. Every type has their own way. And I love the way you even pointed out with sixes, like the fear wraps you up and pulls you out of Yeah. What's actually happening. Yeah. Yes. Um, and you and I talk a lot about Chip Dodd and voice of the heart and being aware of what those feelings are so that we can name them, so that we can sit with them. Yes. Right. And some types will be uniquely gifted to do that. Well, yes. Other types will find it more challenging. But again, just having the awareness that different ways to process and see it automatically helps you to not get stuck. Yeah, yeah. Right. That's so good. Yeah. Um, and I think, you know, I think of Kurt Thompson in the Soul of Desire. It's, you know, where are you? Is that great question for being present. And I think he says, like the first question that Jesus asks, Is what do you want? What do you want? Yeah. Right. Yeah. And certain types will have a really easy time answering this, and others will have a really hard time. Twos and nines will be like, I have no, I like, I never know what I want. Just what do you want? How can I help you? Um, but to be able to be present to yourself to identify what am I feeling right now? Where am I relationally and emotionally and what it is that I want? Yeah. And just being able to be present of that. For yourself is such a huge gift. Yeah. And then can you imagine being able, able to extend that to someone else? Yeah. Um, anything else you wanna add? No. No. That's so good, man. I think that, that, that puts an exclamation mark on it for me. Yeah. So

Communication

let's transition. The third way that the Enneagram helps us to better love others is communication. Right, and I think a lot of us would be familiar with the Golden Rule due to others, as you would have them do to you, right. Matthew seven, Luke six, and I recently heard someone, uh, I don't remember where I heard it, but they offered a platinum rule, which is due to others as they would want it done, because I think when we are caught in the patterns and habits of our own behaviors, we think. That other people want things the way we want it. Oh, so true. Yeah. And I don't know about you, but I've learned the hard way. That is just not true. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm not here to rewrite scripture in any way. Um, you know, it's, it's, it's the awareness of others and treating people well and like humans and like other beloved children of God. But when you have an under or, and, and when you have an IT understanding of the Enneagram, And each type's underlying motivations. Then you get a whole new set of tools for relating to other people and learning how to communicate in a whole different way. Yeah. Right. Yeah. A really concrete example of this for me is that my parents immigrated from South Korea in the seventies. I'm first generation here. I grew up in a house that spoke both Korean and English, and for anyone else out there who might be watching or listening that comes from a non-English speaking house or is in close proximity to non-native English speakers, you know what this experience is like, and you know how much it means when you make an attempt to speak in someone else's heart language. When I would show up to my grandparents' house, In Queens and we would try very clumsily to speak Korean to them. Their whole face lights up, their body language changes because like I'm making the attempt to speak in their language. Yeah. I've been on trips to Korea, the Philippines, Romania, Armenia, and I can tell you that once you get over the awkwardness of trying to learn another language and the clumsiness of it, the joy and appreciation covers a multitude of speaking sins, just because you're trying. Yeah, they are so much more willing to offer grace. When you say instead of where is the bathroom? You say, I lost my dog. Or your face smells right. It's like you mess up one word and it changes the meaning of a sentence, but they know you're trying, so they extend you that grace. And I think the Enneagram gives us tools to do the same thing. Yes. When we can preface a conversation. And make an attempt to speak in someone else's heart language that speaks to their motivations, their type, their desires, their fears. It shows an attempt to see them, to know them, to connect with them, to meet them where they are. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Um, Thomas Merton has this beautiful quote, the beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution, not to twist them to fit into our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we don't love them. We love only the reflection of ourselves that we find in them. Wow. Wow, wow. Yeah. And that goes back to your platinum rule, right? Mm-hmm. Due to others as they would want it done. Uh, and, and yeah, again, this is, this is one of the gifts the Enneagram gives us that helps us to better love because I realized not everybody's a type six. You know, I realized this as a pastor when I first discovered the Enneagram. I started taking into account that there are nine valid perspectives and ways of seeing the world in the room and in our, in our congregation. So I started. I started letting that shape the way I wrote sermons, the way I counseled, the way I led. Mm-hmm. And I would have people come up to me and say, man, your sermons are coming alive in a way that they, you know, like it just, I, and, and there was all this positive feedback and, and yes, I give credit to the spirit of God, but it was like I was using. Honestly the wisdom of the Enneagram to help me better communicate to the different types of people in the room. And what I had realized is up to that point, I had only ever communicated as a six to a six, basically. Mm-hmm. Um, and, uh, and so yeah, it's just this idea that the Enneagram helps us to get on one another's planet and speak in one another's native tongue. You know, one of the, one of the things Beth talks about is, is. The Enneagram gifts us with a unique gospel expression for each type. We get to hear the gospel in our own native tongues. So for, for someone to know that I'm a Type six, and for someone to speak the gospel to me in terms of my safety and my security in Christ, it really, really lights me up. Um, it, it, it, it truly hits home with me and resonates with me. Um, you know, in, in this really deep and profound way. So yeah, just validating that Brian, that that communication, uh, really serves us and helps us, uh, to better love. And the Enneagram is certainly a pathway to better communication. So, Brian, you wanna hit the fourth way that the Enneagram Yeah. A aids us. I do. And before I do that, I want to do a short plug for, um, Beth and Jeff's book Becoming Us, if you want a literal handbook on how to communicate with each type. Yeah, man. Go get Becoming Us, um, by Beth and Jeff McCord. Yes. And the whole second half of the book is literally a guidebook Yes. On how to relate to and communicate with every other type. So that you can understand their heart language

Compassion & Empathy

and their mother tongue. Um, so just want to put that out there for everyone. That's a resource that's available for you. Um, yeah. The fourth way the Enneagram aids us in becoming a person of love is that it fosters compassion and empathy. And this might be my absolute favorite part of learning and using the Enneagram. Mm-hmm. It's probably the thing that I teach and talk about the most. When I'm speaking or coaching, um, we can recognize that each person has their unique struggles, right? Right. Their ways of experience in the world, um, which fosters understanding and acceptance instead of judgment and criticism. So the first thing I wanna do is define and differentiate compassion and empathy. Because I think that's important, right? Um, it's easy to kinda lump them together or think that we should know what they mean, but not necessarily have good handles on them. Um, so empathy is an emotional response and it puts me in your emotional shoes. It's like feeling what someone else is feeling. Yeah. And twos are so uniquely good at this. Yeah. Yes. Nines, fours, threes can pick up on the feelings of others. Um, there's nothing quite so validating as someone who sees you for who you are and where you are. Yeah. And we talked about that gift of awareness and presence. Um, empathy requires being present. Yeah. It's like the Pixar movie Inside Out when sadness is sitting with Bing Bong. And just let's bing bong do what he needs to do and have, right? Yeah. And Joy has no idea what's going on, Uhhuh, because she can't be present. She's gotta keep moving on. Um, but empathy is a superpower of awareness that someone is feeling something and then stepping into their experience. Yeah. Compassion takes that a step further. It is an active response to someone suffering or distress, and it comes from those Latin words. With and suffering it is literally suffering with someone and includes a desire to act on someone's behalf. So it actually distances you a little bit from all those emotions and feelings, which allows you to think clearly and take action. Yeah. Right. Yeah. And so what I hear there is that compassion and empathy require all three centers of intelligence. We need to feel what someone is feeling. Think through what they are feeling and what they need, and then take action to move towards them. Yeah. That's so good. Um, it reminds me of there's this pattern you see in, in Jesus' life throughout the gospels where mm-hmm. You know, you see this pattern of Jesus sees. And then has compassion. He saw them. Yeah. And felt compassion. He saw her and moved toward her and felt compassion. And so I love, I I I love this Brian e Enneagram helps us to see one another and see one another. Tru. Truly, I think the way God sees, sees us with con, the knee jerk response is kindness and compassion when he sees Hu humanity. Mm-hmm. That's, that's the heart of God, kindness and compassion for human beings. And so for me to know, uh, for me to, to understand that, okay, my wife's a type nine, she's different from me. She has different core motivations from me, she has different defense mechanisms than me. And if she's, you know, or, or, or on the, if, if the shoe's on the other foot, if she sees me acting a certain way, Um, she, her knee jerk response is, is now okay? I actually know him. I know because I know his type. I know what's going on inside of him. I, I know where he's at and she can now approach me with curiosity and compassion as opposed to, you know, judgmentalism. So, uh, and it again, man, that, that, that, that is really the essence of love, uh, to, to see someone with eyes of compassion. What's that? Walt Whit Whitman quote that, that Ted lasso popularized. Um, Uh, something about being, uh, be curious, not judgmental, right? Yeah. Like, of course I won't remember it now. Yeah, for sure. Be curious, not judgmental. And I think, I think that's what you're talking about with, with empathy and compassion. Um, so much more we could say. There, there's, so, there's, there's a lot of threads I wanna pull. Uh, but so far we've talked about how the Enneagram gives us the gift of self-awareness. Helps us to stay present and awake. Helps us to better communicate, uh, and, and fosters compassion for others.

Grace and Compassion for Self

The fifth and final point that we wanna focus on today is that the, the reason the Enneagram is such an effective tool for helping us love others is because the Enneagram opens the door for us to love ourselves. Mm-hmm. The Enneagram helps us to have grace and compassion for ourselves. And Brian, this is something you were pointing out earlier there, there's an inextricable relationship between how you treat yourself. And how you treat others. Um, Jesus invites us to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. And Brian, you were kind of dismantling this false idea that love of self is somehow a against the way of Jesus, or it's somehow selfish. You had this, you had this quote that you used earlier. It's the, I had you repeat it, but it, it, it, it, it comes close to something that, you know, a mentor of mine has said to me for years, which is, I. Adam, you have no right to treat yourself worse than God would treat you. Yeah. And, and, and how dare you? Like here's what we do. We're such a divided self. So with my left brain, I'll give you the right theological response and the right biblical text. I'll say, yes, of course. God loves me. I mean, I know he loves me. He died for me. He provides for me, like, I'll give you the right answer. But in my, in my right brain, experiential knowledge of God, um, I, I actually, I, I actually can't say that I believe he loves me. If I, if I treat my, if I, if I treat myself with a load of shame, you know, if I despise myself, um, how can I say that I receive the love of God and that's who I am. If, if I turn around and, and I, and I treat myself with a ton of unkindness, and so I think the Enneagram gives us, uh, kind of the permission and the freedom to be, to be more gentle with ourselves, which leads to change. I mean, you see that principle yeah, throughout the script scriptures as well. Romans two, four, kindness is what leads to repentance, so you're never gonna shame or bully yourself into change, into becoming a person of love. Um, you see that in Galatians six where if somebody's caught in sin, go restore them with a spirit of gentleness. So gentleness leads to restoration, transformation. Kindness leads to change. Um, and I think the Enneagram gives us, uh, gives us is is one tool that we can use to, to show up for ourselves in that way. What, what would you add to that, Brian? Yeah. I love all of it. Well, and I love that this kind of brings our whole conversation full circle, right? That with an understanding of compassion and empathy, by recognizing the different ways that we communicate and speak each other's languages, by being present, by having awareness, then we start to see the full benefits of seeing ourselves and seeing others so clearly. Mm-hmm. Um, and when you talk about this gift of. Grace and compassion for ourselves. The question that I find myself asking is, what would it look like to be compassionate to myself? Yeah. And if like we just learned, compassion means moved to the point of action, what would, what action could I take to be gracious and empathetic and loving to myself? Yeah. Um, and this can be really easy, again, easy for some types, harder for others, but it's like, if your friend was going through what you were going through, what would you want to offer them? What advice would you give them? And then just extend it to yourself. Yeah, yeah. Um, yeah, and man, the, the, the burdens that we so quickly and instinctively place on ourselves, and they're gonna be different for every single type. I don't know that anyone put them on us other than us. It's true. Yeah. They were these unspoken things that we picked up going through life, that we all carry these wounds, um, whether self-inflicted or others inflicted, but God calls us to this place to say that, Hey, you are beloved. Yes. It is my kindness. It is my grace that will bring you around. It's like, and if you would just recognize just how much you are loved, you could stop trying so hard all the time. Oh. None of us are perfect. None of us ever will be, none of us will be able to help everyone the way we want. Do all the things we want, feel all the things we want, create all the things we want, learn all the, you know, all if we just go all the way around the circle, we'll never have what we're hoping for. That's right. And that's okay. Yeah. Yeah. Right. That's where the grace piece comes in and um, how much more fully we can show up when we're not trying so hard to hit all those marks. Yeah. Right. Yep. Um, and again, at the beginning we talked about how the Enneagram shows us the true and non-judgmental ways that we try too hard to fulfill our own need for love. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And when we learn to embrace our identity as already loved and operate out of an overflow of I'm already loved, then we start to shift our posture towards other people. Yeah. Then we become people of love because instead of always needing to take and grab and work towards getting love, we move towards them already full of love. Yes. Yes. And then we can extend that to other people. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, so good. Yeah. Thank you so much, Brian. This has been a ton of fun today. Really insightful, really helpful. Um, I mean, I'm, You, you've used some, you've used some slam dunk quotes today that are, that are gonna stick in my heart, stick in my soul. Um, and I can't wait to do more of this with you over the summer. I'm, I'm really, really excited. Um, and, and to the, to the listener. Remember, if, if you're interested in learning more about, The Enneagram, visit our website www.yourenneagramcoach.com. And if you are ready to take it a step further with a personalized Enneagram coach, check out our incredible, uh, certified coaches, uh, at my enneagram coach.com. Again, go to my enneagram coach.com and, uh, we've made it really accessible for you to find and, uh, one of our Enneagram coaches, all of whom are amazing. Um, and for those of you who maybe are listening and you're, and you're thinking, well, I actually would love to bless others by becoming a certified Enneagram coach, then check out our leading certification program@yourenneagramcoach.com. Our team is here to guide you each step of the way, and we would love to have you join us and blessing others with accelerated transformation using the tool. Of the Enneagram. As always, the Enneagram reveals your need for Jesus, not your need to work harder. It is the gospel that transforms us. Thanks for tuning in, and we'll see you in the next episode.