Beth 1:12

2023, a year that has been full of major challenges, but also incredible blessings. Join me as I actually bring my family into the podcast to talk about some of the really challenging seasons that we have experienced this year and the dynamics that have played out. As a family unit. So join me today as we discover the things we are so thankful for during this Thanksgiving season. Welcome everyone to your Enneagram coach, the podcast. I'm Beth McCord, your Enneagram coach. And today we have a very special day because we're going to do a Thanksgiving episode just for you guys. We're going to change it up by bringing my family into the picture. We're going to talk about this year, man. I don't know about you all, but our year has been full. Of major, major challenges, but also some really true blessings.

The Role of Enneagram in Family Life

Beth 2:19

So buckle up because you're going to hear from my husband, Jeff McCord, who's a type six, my son, Nate, who is also a type six, my daughter Libby, who is a type two and her husband, Mark, who is a type nine. So what I'm hoping is for you to, to see the interplay of our types, how we've used the Enneagram now for over 20 years with our family. And how our kids are really using it in their own personal work and the personal understanding of self awareness and growth and the blessings, the consequences, the good consequences of doing that hard work in these really tough seasons. So if you've ever wondered like, is this really worth it? Is this Enneagram stuff? Like, is it going to help when my kids are older or with my coworkers or. Other certain, certain circumstances with relationships. It does. It absolutely does, especially when you need it the most. So join me today as we talk about this really hard year and what we are most thankful for.

The McCord Family's Personal Experiences

Beth 3:27

All right, so let's dive right in with the McCord family. So y'all get the McCord family. Here we are. So we've got Nate, our son, who's a type six, and we've got Libby, our daughter, who's a type two and her awesome husband, Mark Christensen, who is a, the best type type nine. Um, anyway, so we came here. I'm Jeff.

Jeff 3:52

She didn't mention me. I'm a type 6. I'm your husband of 28 years, working on 29.

Beth 4:01

Oh yeah, you. Me. Yes, and Jeff, my husband, 28 years. So anyway, we were trying to think of like, what do we want to do for a Thanksgiving podcast? And I really wanted to bring us together as a family because we've kind of gone through quite a year.

Jeff 4:22

I would say it could be the most significant year of our marriage. Yeah.

Beth 4:28

Um. So 2023 has had a lot of ups and downs, or you could call it challenges and blessings all mixed together. And I thought it would be helpful for people that listen to our podcast regularly, or who are really enjoying the Enneagram. How does a family use the Enneagram in everyday life? Um, and since we've had so many highs and lows, I thought it would be really helpful for us to kind of just talk through our year and, you know, what it's meant to us in the challenges, but also the blessings that have come from a lot of these things, but also how has the Enneagram helped us as a family. And personally navigate through each of those particular seasons.

The Impact of Aging Parents

Beth 5:17

So I'll start with, um, around March, both my parents at different times, 80 years old, both fell. Um, thankfully did not hurt themselves. Significantly, but definitely was a wake up call to their age and stage of life. They were still living independently in the home that they've had for 25 years in Kansas City. And we all kind of became aware, like, now's the time. The time to move. Can

Jeff 5:47

I share the story of your dad, uh, him being a seven when he fell? Oh,

Beth 5:53

yeah. Yeah. So we'll, we'll integrate even the enneagram into this part of it. There's a lot of

Jeff 5:58

humor in some of these things.

Beth 6:00

Yeah. There's a lot of, that's what I said. Like there's a lot of blessings in disguise. In all of these challenges. So here, this is a really hard moment, you know, like my dad fell down part, part of the stairs and it was very significant and a wake up call, but he

Jeff 6:16

was picking up a package at the door, lost his balance and had to. Kind of back up into the staircase, right? so it he wasn't near the case staircase, but kind of backed into it and Slowly kind of slivered down the stairs, right? But he's an Enneagram type 7 and the whole time like he's your mom's on the phone No, no,

Beth 6:42

you didn't hear no not at the time. No Uh, but mom was at the top of the stairs, kind of across the railing and there's an open staircase. So you can kind of see all the way down the stairs. And so dad started falling down the stairs. Well, my dad being a seven who loves to reframe and keep everything positive. Well, my mom is one of the most phobic sixes on the planet. Very fearful, always thinking of worst case scenarios. I know she couldn't have planned on this thing. Like he was so far from the stairs originally, but here he is starting to go down the stairs. Well, my dad knows my mom well enough that as he's going down slowly, he's going, I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. I

Jeff 7:28

love that as an image of seven going through a significant situation, I'm okay. Yeah. Assuring his six

Beth 7:35

wife. Yeah. And thankfully he ended up. really being okay though it was obviously very traumatic and fearful they, you know, needed to call the paramedics to make sure. Well,

Jeff 7:47

it wasn't that... precipitous to him deciding

Beth 7:50

like we need. Oh yeah. It was that day that they said, okay, we need to move to Nashville. We're

Jeff 7:56

not safe by

Beth 7:58

ourselves. So, so that was the beginning of a really strong, sorry, Nate, go back there. So that was the beginning of a really long stretch, um, about two, three months of really caring for my parents where. Um, not only was I trying to help navigate their, their move and, you know, getting, you know, rid of stuff, you know, from a distance and having someone help them do all the, these things while they're in Kansas City and I'm in Nashville. But during that time, my mom ends up having compression fracture in her back and

Jeff 8:36

packing for the move. And she's packing for the move, just doing little

Beth 8:40

things, faithful and dutiful doing things that she shouldn't be doing as an 80 year old woman, but she can't help but feel responsible. And. Ended up hurting herself.

Jeff 8:51

And so Beth is taking total control of finances. You have hired staff to care for them. Uh, in this interim period, we've hired a realtor. Uh, we've got movers coming in. She's putting all this together. While also developing, uh, new products for our coaching community, we launched during that time, our mental health professional certification. We opened up enrollment for, uh, our coaching program again, like all of this is going on March through May. Beth is back and forth to Kansas City could be weeks at a time. And then when your mom and

Beth 9:32

literally sleeping next to her, like on one of those hospital recliners that are so uncomfortable, but really being there and being her advocate, um, during her whole stay there and in the rehab and. That was really, really trying times, you know, um, knowing that my mom wasn't at a place because of pain and medication to know and advocate for herself and to always be there, but also keeping mind of my dad. You know, and his needs at home and this isn't my home. And even though I grew up in that city, I don't have the same resources as I would had I been here in Nashville. And so I'm really juggling all of this. alone. Um, now my brother did come in and relieve me for, for one week, which is super helpful. Um, but for the most part, you know, I was really the sole caretaker for my mom

The Family's Response to Challenges

Beth 10:37

during that season.

Jeff 10:38

So Nate and Libby, what was that experience like early on in the year, watching what your mom and your grandparents were going through?

Libby 10:48

I mean, I think it was for me, it was challenging one because at the time me and Mark knew that we wanted to get pregnant and I had never thought like, Oh, my grandparents won't be able to meet my kids. Like they're healthy. They're doing great. And me and Nate haven't had any close family members pass away yet in our life. And so it was like the first time we kind of like hit the reality of like, oh, they are getting old. And like time with them isn't always promised. Um, and then it was different with. What was happening with y'all was y'all were super busy and like y'all were trying to figure out work stuff while handling that stuff So it's kind of like dad was always giving us updates because we didn't want to overwhelm like trying to help her But like you said, I mean you were so far away that there wasn't really much we could do because We can't advocate for, like, better hospital care, or we can't really send y'all food because you already had that figured out, so. It was very much just a, like, alright, we're just gonna trust the process, and whenever we can help, we will, and just trying to figure out, especially when they actually did move here, it was like, okay, let's try and, like, help as much as possible to get mom to rest, because they'll be fine, but mom needs more care right now.

Beth 12:05

Yeah. And so for those that are listening, so Libby, your And so for you, I'm, I'm curious, as you knew there was great need and this is your family, and yet you couldn't do anything like, I mean, you could pray for us, you know, you can send encouraging texts, but like you said, I didn't even have margin in space to even, I don't, I didn't even hardly talk to you, Jeff, very much. I mean, it was a little here and a little there, maybe throughout the day, but I. I was so consumed with 24 hour care for what was going on and just the back and forth with my dad. I didn't even have the space in the margin. So what was that like as a two to know there's a great need and yet there's really nothing you could do?

Libby 12:54

Yeah, I think I feel like I've prepared myself well for that, um, of just kind of accepting that that happens in life where people need help and I am not the person to help them and having to learn that that's. Not a problem, unless I make it a problem emotionally. Um, because I knew that you knew that we would be there in a heartbeat. Like, we planned on even visiting if needed and, um, Like, I remember falling asleep for two hours while we were moving them in because I was newly pregnant and no one knew and I was, like, so exhausted and couldn't stay awake. Um, and so, like, for me, it was like, alright, whenever... They need help. They'll tell me and it actually won't be helpful. The more I try and interject. And so I kind of just reminded myself like. I actually am being helpful, taking a step back, because like when you did get here, I was actually able to be very present and like talk with you about how you were doing, what's been going on, and be kind of somebody that you could open up to because you didn't have anyone to talk to there. And also we were like ready to move and do all the things for several days for Gammy and Papa. So it's kind of just having to like change my mindset of like, just because I'm not doing something now doesn't mean I'm not helpful. It actually Whatever is most loving to that person is most helpful for them.

Beth 14:12

When I want to ask me you too, but I think I want to bring a clarifying statement to this point Libby is that a lot of twos will say, but I have to help. Like there is a need and I've got to do something. And what was interesting is giving me room and space, like. Leaving me alone, pretty much having kind of autonomy and independence and me asking for what I need when I needed it, like trusting that I would do that was the very help I needed. Like if you had intruded and pushed your way in to ensure your. You know, that you're helping, that you love, that you care, it would have actually caused me more stress because now I would have to be worrying about you and making sure you feel like you're being helpful or needed or wanted, but you trusted that I loved you. Whether you give help or, or you don't give help and that I know that you're right there. So I think using the Enneagram and enables us to have that conversation where I could say to Libby, like, Hey, I'm so glad you want to, you want to be helpful. I don't even have the time to talk to y'all. Like I, I love you, but I can't even go there right now. And so can you just trust me? So having that conversation so that Libby would know, Hey, I love you. You're doing excellent. Leaving me alone is actually helpful. I know it's hard. Um, but for me to have that conversation and you to trust me, it was so important in that season. And then when I was here and I did actually need like, you know, boots on the ground to help me, you were there too. So I think that's important for twos to hear that it's not always about inserting your help and actually being there sometimes humbly, just, just seeing the situation play, you know, at hand. And waiting for someone to invite you into that space is actually the most beneficial. So Nate, in this season, uh, you had just, or actually, no, you hadn't, you were packing to, to move back home because Nashville is so expensive, though you've done a great job saving some money for down payment. It's pretty crazy here. So you're like, Hey, I'm gonna move back for a couple months, save up some money and then find a place. So we were in even that transition. So we hadn't, I mean,

Nate 16:36

The week that you're, the week that Uncle Mark, um, you know, took over for you was the week that I moved in. Silence.

Beth 16:46

That's right. When I came home for one

Nate 16:48

So, yeah, in between

Beth 16:50

forgot.

Nate 16:50

you helping them move is, and then the week that you got back, moving them was launch week for our certification

Beth 17:03

I think I've, I've tried to forget and I'm in checkout.

Jeff 17:06

Yeah. It's not even over yet. I mean, we haven't even talked about July and August.

Beth 17:12

Okay. So

Nate 17:13

we had one of the biggest, I mean, this has been one of the biggest transitional years. Um, in terms of, uh, the YEC team, um, going down to, you know, probably one of kind of the smallest amount of employees that we've had in a few years. Um, and so tons of like

Beth 17:39

Adjusting

Nate 17:41

adjusting and, and everyone kind of trying to. Um, kind of hold on, so not only was it like,

Libby 17:52

Okay.

Beth 18:16

I needed to do and I needed to be present for, but I mean, y'all did an amazing job freeing me on so many levels. And I know Jeff, you took a big step

Jeff 18:27

of faith because we've always been committed to you being the face of the company, having come out of your own desire. calling to wanting to honor that. And then now we're in a season where you're just not even available. And so different team members having to step up, uh, in different areas and to be the face of the company, whether that be the special webinars that we offer or Libby doing social media, people just. had to operate without your leadership and the team responded well. Yeah, they did amazing. There were, there was a providence in it that we didn't expect. I

Beth 19:05

was so proud of everyone. So, Nate, with all of that, And you being a type six, uh, particularly a social six that also leans into some counterphobic six where you, you want, you're a team player. You feel there's a lot of, you, you want to take up the responsibility. You want to make sure that you're doing everything you can to help mom, to help the team. You also can't do anything from afar. Um, what was it like for you to kind of watch all of that unfold and, and the things that you had to carry?

Nate 19:40

yeah, um, you know, honestly, Libby, I really admired you through that time, because I thought you handled it really well, and I know for both of us, we both struggle with codependency. It looks different, um, but it runs in similar, uh, lanes, um, but I think for me it was really, really tough, especially then moving here because I was also in it every day, um, and, yeah, um. Yeah, and then just kind of being someone, um, who in the past, like, a lot of leaders, um, you know, maybe seen kind of how much I can hold or do as I help people, um, you know, it kind of reinforced this lie in my head that, um, I can keep piling on things. Um, In terms of helping others or kind of kind of save your complex stuff. Um, so it was really tough and it was really sad to see, um, you know, how rough things were in Kansas city. Um, I mean, even the, the movers, well, specifically the Packers,

Beth 21:20

Yeah, that was really rough. Yeah.

Nate 21:29

but the people that their stuff in Kansas city. I mean, you could barely call it a moving company. It was really bad. And, um,

Beth 21:41

But, um, that ignited a lot of frustration for you as a sixth. Silence. Silence.

Nate 21:51

stuff and like, why, you know, especially being a social six, um, I think a lot of the questions, um, I seem to ask from a critical space is like, why do people not care about a certain quality?

Beth 22:06

Silence.

Nate 22:12

like, it's hard to qualify in a sense, but, um, you know, there's almost like no limit to the loyalty that a six can have, um, when it's people they care about. And so it shows up in work as well of, um, you know, why would I not give my very best all the time? And so that was very, very frustrating and tough to see. Um, but yeah, it was really hard knowing how the two of you were also individually struggling. Um, just being away from each other, um, as well as just how much you had to carry in that I could pretty much do nothing. Um, was very challenging as a six. Um, but I think this year in specific has been a year, um, for myself of like really learning what it means to be loyal to myself and not just to others. And you know, we can talk more about that later in the podcast as well.

Beth 23:41

Okay. Um,

Nate 23:49

message and specific was kind of ringing, um, in my head, you know, kind of through each day. Um, and, you know, at the time, I don't think I was actually doing that great of a job of believing it. Um, but I think throughout the year I've gotten much better. Um, at trusting, you know, if the listeners know our Enneagram internal profile of listening to that beloved child part of, uh, my heart, kind of saying, like, allow the Lord to, um, protect and to help. Um, and very similar to Libby of help, you know, help in ways that are asked and, um, and if they're not asked, then, you know, you can always offer, but not, not exactly like, um, you know, just trying not to insert myself, um, that may be either boundary crossing or, um,

Beth 25:08

Um,

Nate 25:15

time.

Beth 25:18

so we went through that and just

Jeff 25:21

a little update on your parents. Yeah. That's what's driving.

Beth 25:24

Yeah. So that's what I was going to say. So, uh, we finally got my parents moved, um, after my mom being literally in the hospital or in rehab for like six weeks, me

Nate 25:33

Up until the night before they left.

Beth 25:38

Um, and so we were able to move my mom, you know, she was able to fly, um, and come here and we got her, them into their apartment. But then like two days later, she was back in the hospital with another compression fracture. Thankfully that one resolved much more quickly.

Jeff 25:56

I forgot about that. But. She was in the hospital, then your dad ended up going to the ER.

Beth 26:01

Like the whole first month and a half of them being here was just as turbulent and almost harder because I also had to pick up some things at work. And so I'm juggling their doctor's appointments,

Nate 26:14

While I'm finding new doctors. Okay.

Beth 26:15

Yeah. Finding new doctors, getting them established, getting them, you know, you guys helped unpack their house, you know, pretty much in a day and a half. And anyway, so there was all of this stuff going on, which was super hard. And as a nine, we get overwhelmed really quickly. I was definitely overwhelmed, but at the same time, I really brought in a part of you, right? That's what I'm saying. And then I brought parts. Like my type one part really helped me to get very detailed and organized. I mean, I was organized, like people were amazed at how organized I was, but if I didn't, I would. Pretty much lose, you know, my mind pretty much. Cause there's so much going on, but you guys, again, you guys all helped chip in, whether it was giving me the space, the time, uh, being, uh, mindful of how overwhelming this is. You weren't, you didn't have expectations on me. Like you guys really came through for me, I would say in a whole new way that. Meant a lot to me and a really sustained me through, through that season. Then we moved into, uh, two really kind of fun seasons. So my parents are doing amazing now. Um, but we, we get into two fun seasons. Uh, The first is less exciting as the second. The first was I had to go straight into book writing, which I know you're like, how is that? Okay, that's really great. But it was a lot of work. So I went from one major thing to another major thing and had to, with some of my team put together Pretty much a book, which is going to be the Enneagram for moms coming out next summer. But we had to do that like in a month. So because I had all this other stuff going on, I had to push it and push it, push it. So then we're like cramming and trying our best to get this done, which was awesome and super stressful at the same time. So that was a blessing.

The Joy of Expecting a Baby

Beth 28:12

And the better blessing was Libby and Mark, you got pregnant. With our first grandbaby and he's still cooking. So he's not going to be here until the end of February. But, you know, I think that gave all of us, you know, a sense of excitement. I will also say in the moment, I was also like. Okay, now I'm like in a Big Mac because I've got grown children and parents that need me. So that's the sandwich and now I'm going to have a grandbaby. So that's like the Big Mac. Like I'm just, so there's part overwhelm, but also mainly just, you know, elation and excitement. But that's in itself, you know. In some ways, big challenges and stuff like, you know, how, how is Libby feeling, you know, how are you and Mark doing, you know, what does this mean for your life? So what was that like for you guys to really kind of transition from this really kind of sorrowful experience to this great high.

Libby 29:08

Yeah. Um, I mean, it's challenging. At first, the beginning of the year, I was experiencing several health issues already. Um, and he had had some. And so we were kind of like the beginning of 2023. We were like, we're not going to go to that many doctors. We're going to fix our health. And then I was like, wait, if we're going to get pregnant, we're definitely going to be seeing a lot of doctors. Like, that's not going to stop. Um, so like it, it, we started to feel a lot better and doing a lot better. And it was funny, he actually knew I was pregnant technically before I did, because I didn't think I was and he was like, no, you should take a test. Like, I really think you are. And I was like, there's no way. And so we, like, barely have a video of us knowing, because technically the 1st test, I don't even think I recorded it because I just was like, I looked at it, put it down and then I was like. Wait, I think there was something and it was like the faintest thing in the world. So I had to go take another one. Um, but it was kind of strange cause it was in a season of like both of our set, like families were super busy. So it took a while until people were in town and also not drowning for us to like tell people. Um, cause I don't even remember at what week we told y'all

Beth 30:16

I think you were. I mean, you were, yeah, you were much further along than I think you would have told us. Um, it was,

Nate 30:24

none of us,

Beth 30:26

I had no

Nate 30:27

of us expected it.

Libby 30:28

Cause like I, we had

Beth 30:30

It was father's day. It was late. Like it was a belated father's day gift that you surprised us.

Libby 30:37

I think it was like pretty late

Beth 30:38

I was just so taken aback. It was amazing.

Libby 30:41

because we like, uh, there's several things with like, um, deficiencies that I had that I, we knew like I needed to fix before we got pregnant. So I just ended up just telling people like, Oh yeah, we're just going to fix that. Like, we're not even thinking about it right now. Cause then I realized like, well now I want to surprise people. And we had like hinted to people that we were kind of thinking of having a kid. Um, but yeah, so it was really great. I mean, it got hard because right as you got out of that stuff with gimme a poppa, I entered into the most exhaustion I've ever experienced in my life.

Beth 31:12

Yeah. So here you're, it's like, okay, Libby, it's time for you to step in and help. Right? Like, okay, now you can do your thing, like what you're great at. And your body was like, no, literally cannot like you did, but not at the level you would have enjoyed or preferred. And you couldn't tell us why, like, here I am in my parents apartment. Everyone else had left to do something, except for you were there and you're on the couch. Falling asleep and I'm like, literally putting things away and unpacking. And part of me was just a little part of me was like, huh, that's kind of weird. Like that's so not like, like Libby, but okay. Hey, she's tired. Like she's been helping me unpack for hours and hours, but you know, whatever, you know, that's kind of like, that's such a nine response, right? Like, okay, whatever, you know, I guess, you know, something, she's just tired. Um, But now, of course, looking back, I'm like, Oh, that makes

Libby 32:07

was, I remember Mark knew right before they left to go pick up, I think it was like a TV for them because it had broken. And I knew as I was falling asleep, I was like, if no one wakes me up, I'm not going to wake up. Like that's just how exhausted I was. And so Mark

Beth 32:21

Cause I'm like banging around, like, you know, like putting stuff and not like not to wake you up, but I'm just, you know, I'm, I'm

Libby 32:27

I think I slept for like, Two and a half hours, at least two hours and Mark got there and woke me up because he knew like she's not going to wake up and nobody knows that. Um, but yeah, I mean, what was it like for you? Cause you had to take care of me in a lot

Mark 32:40

of ways. Yeah, it was, um, it was really cool. Cause like, like Libby said, she knew that the way to be most helpful to you was to step back. But then when you got in town and we were moving everyone in. I didn't know how she was going to respond, because on the one hand, she's in person now, there's things to do, like she's going to go for it, but I also knew that she is incredibly exhausted. And so, I knew she was going to do whatever she needed. Um, but it was... It was good because, you know, obviously like you can still do things, um, but it was kind of funny that she just knew, um, when she needed to shut down and take a two and a half hour nap, she would do that.

Beth 33:33

Mark, as a type nine, who you can't reveal that your wife's pregnant, I'm assuming you kind of had to step up your kind of flexibility and accommodating spirit. Like, Hey, what do I need to do for Libby without letting everyone know that I'm, you know, trying my best to navigate all of this?

Mark 33:52

So with that, it was, I kind of tried to take on just like who I am and like how much I enjoy helping. But then when Libby couldn't do as much as she. would normally do, I would try and take that on as well and take both sides as I enjoy helping, but I also want to cover for her so that I can protect her and what she needs. But then also Not be like, hey, she's pregnant, right? Um, so

Libby 34:24

Cause there's like times I What?

Nate 34:27

that was a show, right, where that happened on a show where the girl was pregnant, so the guy was taking her shots as well.

Libby 34:34

Oh, yeah. Cause like, it was It For me, it was I mean, I would go from high, high energy, perfectly fine, to literally in one minute It happened one time, we were driving home, and in a minute he saw me go from like, painful exhaustion. Like I was in, it literally felt like mental agony. I was so tired. And he was like, what is going on? And so like we're dealing with all of that while like the family's

Beth 34:58

Secretively.

Libby 34:59

out. Yeah. And like, we kept getting nervous. Cause I was like, I was like, I want to tell them, like, we would have told y'all then, but I was like, it's not the time to tell my mom that I'm pregnant. Like I want her to be happy and she'll want to be happy. And right now, it's going to be good news, but also overwhelming.

Beth 35:15

Well, it's also really helpful in some ways. Um, because, you know, here I am writing this book, The Enneagram for Moms, and it's like, Oh, you know, I mean, of course I was already invested in it, but it's like, Oh, I get to hand something onto you, you know, as you begin to parent and, um, have your own family. So it was just like really a sweet time. Okay. So. Those were two, like, really great highs, you know, writing a book, um, and Libby being pregnant. But, what we didn't know is the hardest challenge of the year was yet to come. Well,

Jeff 35:56

I'm assuming you're talking about when our daughter decided to no longer be our social media manager.

Beth 36:02

No, but, yeah.

Jeff 36:06

People loved

Beth 36:07

her. I know. Well.

Jeff 36:08

And she abandoned us.

Beth 36:10

For a much higher paying job, disloyal daughter, as a me, as a mom, I'm like, yes, she's a

Jeff 36:18

prodigal. Yes. May she enjoy her pig food.

Beth 36:24

So yes,

Libby 36:25

was really funny because it's like, once again, I was like, Can't tell my parents right away because they're also my bosses. So I'm like, not sleeping well at night, like typing up responses to figure out how to negotiate stuff. I'm like, I have no idea what I'm doing. And I know I'm pregnant. And I like, what if this all tanks? And like, we have no money. And like, y'all are over here just like dealing with your own stuff. And then I was like, oh my goodness, this is not the time to do this. But it all worked out great. Silence.

Beth 37:08

you know, we've got another, you know, big project with a company that needed more time for me than I realized while we go on a vacation, which really was a work vacation. Yeah. We were just going to work from the beach. Yeah. Cause our friends were there and we were like, Hey, can we kind of like. You know, we've never crashed your vacation. So we were there really to work, but to have some fun. So we were there and then we went to a retreat and that whole time I'm working. But the thing was, is that when we were on the beach and.

A Beach Walk That Changed Everything

Beth 37:37

What's interesting about this story is you hate sand, like, I don't even know if there's been a time where you and I have walked on the beach together, like, that's how much you dislike it. But our friends were there and they were like, Hey, we have to

Jeff 37:52

go. The other time we were on. Well, no, we've done a cruise where there's been a

Beth 37:56

beach. Okay. I mean, but the point being that for 28 years. When we were

Jeff 38:01

dating you were at North Myrtle Beach. Yeah, but

Beth 38:03

that was like. We would have walked the beach at night. No, but that was like concrete. Beach this, this beach that we were at recently was

Jeff 38:10

a very in depth conversation about the kind of sand that dad likes and doesn't like.

Beth 38:15

Well, there's a big difference in people that are listening. They're like, yes, totally different. So, so this beach we were at in October was fluffy sand. And so our friends needed to walk, you know, about 50 yards to get to their chairs, to get all their stuff and then head back to their

Jeff 38:31

place. Was down the beach from our hotel. They walked over to the hotel, meet us.

Beth 38:35

So we thought, okay, we'll walk with you. So my friend and I were walking ahead of you and her husband. So we're like walking along and then I turn around and. And you're like, literally leaned over trying to like, kind of take a break and a break, like a break and a breath, like you were really exhausted. And I thought, well, that's kind of weird. Like, I mean, here you used to be an athlete. You're. Um, you know, not that old, 48 years old. And I'm like, okay, that's kind of weird. So I kind of took note of it, but then, you know, we finally got to the place and we sat down and, you know, cause I, I wasn't that exhausted. I mean, it wasn't like fun. I don't really enjoy walking on a beach like that, but you know, it was okay. So anyway, we took note fast forward. Going through the airports and stuff, you kept having those kinds of experiences of really just feeling spent and exhausted when you were walking. And so then about a week or so later, we were going to go to the Nashville soccer game and it's up on a Hill. And you said, Hey, I know this sounds kind of weird, but could you just drive me up? The hill. Cause I just, I don't, I'm going to get a doctor's appointment, but can you just do that? And I was like, yeah, that's kind of weird though. Can I take your blood pressure? So I did. And your blood pressure was high. Now I don't know a lot. So I had to like Google it. And everything that I found was you need to go to the ER. And so I was like, Hey, Jeff, I think we really just need to go to the ER. It's a Saturday. So we can't like really go anywhere else. And you, and I think you. You didn't even like really bat an eye. You were just kind of like, okay, yeah, let's, I know something's, something's going on. I don't know what, and I feel pretty fine today, but obviously something's not

Facing the Reality of Major Surgery

Beth 40:17

okay. So we went low and behold, long story short, they kept you for the whole weekend because certain things were showing that you had high blood pressure and maybe something was happening with your heart come Monday, they did an angiogram and found. That you had lots of blockages to the point where they were like, okay, you can't even have a stint. You need to go get bypass surgery. That took my breath away. I was not even expecting that. Because they were kind of like, hey, I don't even think you're going to have blockages. Maybe you'll need a stint. And then all of a sudden you come back and they're like, no, we're taking him by an ambulance right now to The best, one of the best heart surgery places in the country, thankfully Nashville has incredible health care. So here I am trying to get ahold of the kids. I'm trying to get ahold of my parents, letting them know what's going on, your dad, and head over to the hospital to figure out what is happening and what's next.

Jeff 41:19

That would have been on a Monday. And the thought was, maybe we do this today, maybe we do it Wednesday. And so I'm there at the new hospital. The next day or Wednesday. Yeah. And we linger through the night not knowing whether or not this was going to happen. And then the next morning.

Beth 41:38

They rush in, they're like, now's the time, we're doing it literally right now. And I didn't even almost have time to let the kids know to come up. They didn't even get, they saw you the night before, but they didn't even get time to say goodbye to you before you went into the. The, um, surgery was just super, super hard. Um, now, you know, they felt very confident. These are surgeons, you know, at one of the best hospitals. They do it all the time and that's wonderful. That was awesome and great, but. My husband, who's my best friend, is literally getting wheeled in to do quintuplet bypass surgery. And I don't really know what that's going to mean or what does that, I had to just didn't even know. So the kids finally came up, we spent that time together. The hospital was amazing. They called me several times during the procedure, letting me know that you're doing very well. Um, and you did, you did very well. Um, But here we are. You literally, what is the day you've been today? It's the 14th? Yeah. So it was a month ago today that we went to the ER. So it's almost been a month since you've had bypass surgery. You've gone through a lot.

The Recovery Process and Family Support

Beth 42:53

We've gone through a lot watching you go through this process. All Of our feelings and emotions of not really knowing what the result was going to be and dealing with it within our own personalities and perspectives, defensive strategies, all those things. Has been really hard, but before I talked to the kids about, you know, what was it like for their type to go through this process? What was it like for you as a type 6 to learn the severity of what was going on and Learning you were gonna go through major surgery

Jeff 43:39

You know a very personal note. So I was adopted and have not had a I don't know how to say this, maybe a historical experience of my body. So I never had parents that told me, Oh, your grandfather died of this, or this runs in the family. You know, it wasn't until I found

Beth 44:01

Well, you couldn't blame anyone. Like our kids a lot of times go, thanks mom and dad for this thing. Yeah,

Jeff 44:05

got this from you. I mean, whenever I did find my biological mother and met a full sister and two half sisters, um, there were definitely some things that came to light like, Oh wow, I look like these people, um, which is. Kind of fun and a new experience for me. So I didn't have history, but my biological mom did eventually die of breast cancer. And my full sister also got breast cancer. And so there was some thought that maybe that could be genetic and it wasn't. But, uh, and then there are just some other illnesses that ran in the family. And we would discover that in the middle of all of this, that everything I was going through. runs in the family. Yeah. It seems like every, so I'll be honest with you. Most of my life, I'm vigilant about stuff, but as it related to my body and health, I felt very powerless. Like this is inevitable. I don't know when something's going to happen and I'll just have to deal with it when it does. And so there was a sense of surrender, like, okay, this is just the moment now. I don't know what it is. That is causing me to have trouble breathing because it wasn't like I was having a heart attack, but it was definitely something different. So that was a, that was a big one. Like, okay, I'm, this is the significant moment for me. But number two, uh, there was a strong sense of shame and betrayal. That like I look at now look what I've done to my family where now I've taken the this primary position of sufferer where everyone's going to have to accommodate to me and That just felt horrible like and there was nothing I could do about it even on days like today that there's this dynamic of melancholy that I experience after I exercise in the morning. And there are just times that I have to ask for things, um, that I would never want to ask for from someone, uh, with that kind for someone to help. And particularly for Beth, who's already gone through a very significant year. I mean, I laugh because there have been situations where Beth and I walk into doctor's offices. Oh, yeah. And I can't drive, so I have to ride in the back seat. So she is kind of a chauffeur and caretaker. So weird. But she will like treat me the way that she treated her parents. Yeah. And like initially and I have to tell her like

Beth 46:40

to the front. I get the papers. I'm like gonna fill them all out

Libby 46:44

Silence.

Beth 46:52

even like, I even one

Jeff 46:53

time, uh, Cesar Malander and in Chichester, Chichester, she was about to walk up to the counter. I'm like,

Beth 47:03

And I was like, Oh yeah, okay, sorry. Yes. Yeah. I'm Ben. Well, I mean, being a mom, you know, of kids and doing that all the time and then transitioning to help my parents in the same way, but the first, you know, two week or two, even with after your surgery, I mean, you couldn't do quite a bit and I had to fill in the gaps. It was the worst. So yes, but there was that time I was like, Oh yeah. You can take, take over your health care and do things. And, um, so that, that was a sweet, funny, hard lesson to learn all at the

Jeff 47:39

same time. I mean, after, when I woke up from the surgery, you've told me that I said multiple times, I made it. Yeah. I made it. Cause I really did think like I was going to die, or at least there was a high risk of dying. Um, because 30 minutes. You know, someone came into the room. You're going to have surgery this morning. Doctor came in. Everything's going to be great. And then a nurse comes in and starts shaving my legs. I'm like, okay, here we go. Right before they really kind of knocked me out. I mean, I, I said, Hey, can you bring my wife back? I'd like to talk to her and then walking down the hallway and I don't remember anything, but waking up and in the ICU. Yeah.

Beth 48:23

So guys, that's when you all really kind of came into this mix is walking in to the ICU or the first time you saw dad in the ICU and in your own types, what was.

Reflecting on the Experience and the Role of the Enneagram

Beth 48:34

I'm going to ask you to describe to me what was this experience like to have such a young father go through such major surgery? What was all of the emotions and thoughts that you were going through from your type's perspective? Nate, why don't we start with you real quick?

Nate 48:53

Yeah, it sucked. Um, I think. And I'm curious if everyone agrees on this, but

Libby 49:06

Silence.

Nate 49:28

um, even then, like, oddly enough, the surgery itself didn't scare me as much. And I think that's largely due to the fact that when they told you you're going to have to go to this hospital and, um, have bypass surgery, they said that you would have had a major heart attack within a month and hadn't, you weren't going to live past, uh, six months. And so that was the hardest to come to terms with was that you might not have ever met any of your grandkids. And, um, to know like how much you guys are excited about grandkids and, and just like, just you also being so young, um, was like, we weren't prepared whatsoever for anything like that. Now, oddly enough, we were prepared to kind of fill roles to help take care because of what happened, you know, as we were moving the grandparents here earlier this year. Thank

Beth 50:40

Silence. Hmm.

Nate 50:58

and yeah, I think it was a huge culmination of like kind of all of our own internal and personal work to help one another, um, attune to one another and, um, to really make sure that. We're able to be there for you, dad. Um, To take shifts, you know, staying in the room, grabbing meals, um, you know, taking work calls, and all the things. Um, so I think that really helped me calm down because it built that loyalty, kind of like, we're gonna be okay. You know? Yeah, I mean, there was definitely some frustration that, you know, you dad hadn't really, you know, gotten checked, you know, at all to see if you were pre-diabetic or anything. But I mean, once everything kind of, um, all the news came out, then it was like, okay, it's just, it's just go time.

Beth 52:21

Mm hmm. Mm

Nate 52:22

Um. And so, like, yeah, so, we love you, and super thankful that, um, I don't know, it really was God, like, I mean, yeah, it's crazy, but,

Jeff 52:49

Remarkably smooth. No complications.

Beth 52:54

And at your age, it's just. It's in some ways just unheard of what you've gone through that, I mean, the genetics that you were given, you know, yeah, yeah. Should you have, you know, known a little bit sooner? Sure. But most men, I mean, you felt fine up until this one, uh, beach walk. So yeah,

Nate 53:15

thing as well, is that it felt like such a God moment because you hadn't been noticing any of the symptoms. It sounds like the doctors were saying that you were having them, you, you weren't understanding that those were connected or that they were very problematic

Jeff 53:36

Yeah.

Nate 53:38

that it was really just one instance that made both of you pause and check your blood pressure. Um, but then just to see the overwhelming care from, um, all of our friends and family.

Beth 53:55

Mm

Nate 53:56

Just the blessing that. The grandparents had finally taken a turn for the best. And so the responsibilities of making sure they're transitioning have pretty much gone away. Um, at least like 80%. And so it just, it, it was remarkable to me and, um, put me at so much peace and trust and not only like our family, but also the Lord that like, we were going to be okay, that you were going to be okay. Um, yeah.

Beth 54:42

Libby and Mark, what about you guys coming into the ICU and all of that?

Libby 54:48

Yeah, I think, um, Like, at first, when it all started happening, we were like, okay, like, this is kind of crazy. And then we both were at work. Um, and I was like, about to head to a meeting when you told us that, like, he needed to head into surgery. And, um, like, I remember seeing Mark cry and it was like, he later told me he was like. It feels weird to say, like, I just didn't realize, like, how much your dad has meant to me and, like, how, like, hard this is on top of how hard it was for him to see me go through it. Um, but I, I will say I feel the same way, Nate, that, like, I feel like we all gave each other the space to feel what we needed to feel and be sad when we needed to, to cry when we needed to, and it, we, none of us, like, catastrophized each other's emotions. It wasn't like, oh my goodness, you're not okay. It's like. I remember coming into the hospital, um, that you were going to get the surgery, and I cried for like a minute just because it was like. Alright, this is real, this is a lot, but I knew ultimately I was okay, and, um, like the morning you were gonna get surgery, I was telling mom, like, tell him we're okay, like, we're okay that we can't see him, cause Mark had just left for work and did like a massive U turn to get me as quick as possible to the hospital, and, um, but yeah, I mean it was the, cause it was basically like from Sunday to Sunday, it was one Sunday we thought dad was completely fine, everything would be fine, by the next Sunday it was like, He had already had the procedure. We were in full recovery. Yeah. And I remember we had gone to church that morning and like, I just started bawling during worship. Cause I was like, Oh my goodness. Like it kind of just hit me up. Like, I may have not had a father that like today, like that could have happened. And, and, or like, he wouldn't have met my son and like all of those thoughts. And just it, I remember like typing up and like journaling about it of like. It has truly felt like we were just, like, staring at the face of God's mercy every single day. Like, as stressful as it was, and so many people were reaching out to us, I was like, No, I know my dad will be okay. Like, this is really sucky, and it, like, is scary, but at the same time, I knew the emotion came from the overwhelm of what was happening, but it wasn't I never thought for once, like, Oh, I'm gonna lose my dad, because to me it was All right. That could have happened and now it's not going to happen. And the Lord is providing us abundantly more than we ever deserve. And it was nice because he had family members reaching out to him on like how to help support me in it. Um, because we were pretty exhausted. It was a

Mark 57:25

lot. Yeah, it was, it was a really interesting, um, like, place, uh, for me and all of the, um, uh, what's the word? Dynamic? Dynamic of it all because, like, I'm not blood related to y'all. And so, but like as a nine, I still want to be that piece that like, make sure everything still works. Um, and everything's okay. Um, and it was hard because like, sometimes I just had to accept, like, I'm not biological kid and so I had to give space as much as I wanted to be in those. I see you rooms and just hospital rooms. Like, as much as I wanted to be there. I knew that sometimes I had to. Yeah. step out, um, to give y'all the space, like, as family, um, to just be together, you know? Um, and so it was, it was really interesting, um, for me to, like, kind of figure that out on a whim. Um, but then it was also really hard for me because as, as much as, um, like, you all mean to me, one of the things that just kept going through my head was, You know, like, I, I love kids. Kids are great. Um, but one of the reasons that we decided to, um, have a kid soon is, you know, my family, my biological family, is the only part of, like, The whole family that lives anywhere close to Tennessee, they all live in the Pacific Northwest and, um, I, because of that, I don't have much like a super close relationship with, um, like my extended family. And I also, um, just wanted to take advantage of the fact that, like, everyone's here and everyone's so young. And so the fact that something like very life threatening, uh, happened, it was just so hard that like, as much as I, I was so close to like, You know, our kid knowing all of his grandparents getting to experience, um, like close relationship with family that lives close, like things that I did not get as a kid. Um, the fact that such a big piece of that was about to be taken out, um, just kept playing in my mind and it was, uh. It was hard, um,

Beth 1:00:08

Silence.

Mark 1:00:12

like kind of close to choking up about it, just cause like, it's still very like, new, like this was only a month ago, you know? And so it was just interesting being in that place, like, you know, letting y'all have the time and space, um, and community that you guys have always had for 20 some years, you know, um, but then also knowing that I'm a part of the family and, uh, trying to support, um, in the best way that I can from the place that I'm at.

Jeff 1:00:52

we'll say as a six, there were some funny moments in the hospital. What were your funniest moments? Libby loved it because I had so many tubes in my chest. I would breathe and it would give me a little relief that I'd make a little noise when I would breathe.

Libby 1:01:11

It sounded like a little puppy making a noise when they're sleeping, like, Eh. It was like,

Beth 1:01:17

was a constant, you were

Libby 1:01:18

didn't know it.

Beth 1:01:19

yeah, making that noise. Um,

Nate 1:01:22

for joining us.

Libby 1:01:44

of it, like, just expect him to be asleep. And you talked to us for a good probably 15 minutes. And the first, like, one of the first things you said is like, Yeah, no TikTok times. I'm gonna laugh and it's gonna hurt. And then you almost laughed. You went, You were like, trying not to make yourself laugh. Because you're fresh out of open heart surgery. You're just like, I'm like, Dad, stop making jokes.

The Power of Understanding and Empathy

Beth 1:02:10

I don't know, like, I mean, I know that there were funny things, I guess right now it, it's just too fresh in my mind, but so just to kind of wrap this up the, the, again, the point of us coming on, I wanted everyone to hear, um, Man, you can go through some really hard seasons and challenges, but by doing your own internal work, understanding yourself, what your needs are, and better learning how to communicate that with one another can really shape the times, the seasons of life that are so challenging. Um, I mean, here, my best friend, you know, my husband is going through all of this. And I had to learn to speak as a nine and say what I needed to my kids, you know, like to, to really be honest and Fort Wright versus trying to make everyone happy. And I also had to accept the fact that I cannot make anyone happy. I have literally no control over the situation. I also don't have control of how this is going to impact them, you know, and the perspective they're going to take and the pain they're going to have to go through, but that. But by owning that reality, instead of being a nine where I'm like, Oh, I'm just going to try and make everyone happy. And I guess it's going to be okay. And like do all these things, just letting life play out and being there to support them while also asking for support when I needed it. That's what I think Nate, you were saying is like, This was the hardest, but also the best experience as a family we've gone through because we were able to navigate our own internal world, not place, uh, or manipulate others to come through for us, but own our own part and ask for what we could ask for when needed. And. So I just hope that people that are listening, one, yep, the McCords I've had quite the season, um, but we are super grateful. We're super thankful for each other. We're thankful for, uh, what the Lord has done and giving us more time. Uh, to just enjoy each other, get to celebrate Mark and Libby's little baby boy, who will be here and to do it with Jeff. Um, but also just the thankfulness I think each of us have for the tool of the Enneagram that we are able to nuance our conversations, our care. our understanding around each other's type to the best of our ability or to remain curious and ask good questions versus just trying to plow in and trying to help everyone in the way that we would want to be helped.

Jeff 1:04:59

Can I share one last thing that I've not talked to the family about? Sure. So whenever I was, uh, sedated, there was no lights, not even like a nightlight. So I'm not sure what's on the other side, but I'm not sure if it's gonna look good for me because I Remember just going to sleep and waking up and like things happened.

Beth 1:05:27

Well, there was no death. So therefore

Jeff 1:05:31

Like there was no invitation. So there was nothing so if anyone's wondering was not

Libby 1:05:37

not going to write a book about your experience or anything.

Jeff 1:05:41

Yeah, it'd be a short book. It's a pamphlet.

Beth 1:05:46

I will say, sixes are always the funniest. Like, if you guys thought it was some other type, it's not. It's always sixes.

Jeff 1:05:51

Seriously, when I woke up, I kept thinking of Monty Python, where that one guy says, I'm not dead yet!

Nate 1:05:59

Yeah,

Libby 1:06:02

And it was fun because, like, I had, like, people send in videos of having him get well and everything, and the closer people were to him, the funnier theirs would be, because they knew they would make him happier if they were funny than serious.

Beth 1:06:16

That's right. Well,

Nate 1:06:18

if I could, um, also just add, um, just so people know, like, this, it takes a lot of time and a lot of effort a lot of buy in from every member of the family.

Beth 1:06:36

and a lot of us making the mistakes with the Enneagram, right?

Nate 1:06:40

because we

Beth 1:06:40

we always say, don't use it as a sword as a shield, but we do it and we mess up and we have to apologize. We have to own it. We like this moment in time is a reflection of all the times we have kind of done it wrong and had to work through it.

Nate 1:06:58

and we've had several, Large and pivotal, uh, conversations with each other this year. Um, and yeah, so it,

Beth 1:07:15

It's worth it.

Nate 1:07:17

it's annoying to always hear it, but it really does start with you. Um, that you have to own your own stuff, your own story, your own, um, actions. Um,

Libby 1:07:31

Silence.

Beth 1:07:31

Yeah.

Nate 1:07:35

you to really start to understand what empathy looks like. Um, and when you can be curious with yourself, you can be curious with others. Um, and so, like, the reason why, you know, just one of the main reasons that we've been hitting on as to, um, why we can also be so thankful for these times is because we really, really were a family. And we really loved each other in a way that, um,

Beth 1:08:17

Silence.

Nate 1:08:23

it meant to love one another. And so, you know, that's

Libby 1:08:30

Okay,

Nate 1:08:30

another reason why we're so thankful for a tool like the Enneagram,

Libby 1:08:34

the

Nate 1:08:36

is it just has really given us vocabulary and direction, um, to learn ourselves and to learn others. So that when we did speak up about our experience, we weren't hearing people and saying like, well, that doesn't make sense to me, but more so coming at the angle of, okay, they're not saying this in my language. They're speaking in their own language. I can come from a perspective of understanding their language, um, that allows me. to understand where they're coming from and to be empathetic and to care for them the way that they're asking. Um, so it was, it was really beautiful and, and I think we're all very thankful, um, to the Lord for just

Libby 1:09:33

Silence.

Beth 1:09:52

you gotta go through quite a bit,

Jeff 1:09:54

but I do have one other funny story to tell. Um,

Libby 1:09:58

Silence.

Jeff 1:09:58

I barely

Nate 1:09:59

I'll have

Jeff 1:09:59

the conversation. It's the enneagram, but it's enneagram related. Okay. But periodically people would ask us what we do and when we mentioned the enneagram, they would get interested in it. Like, oh yeah, I'm a this, I'm a that. But there was a moment where. This, my surgeon knew her type. I can't remember what her type was. Was it three or eight? Yeah. Eight. Eight. And I, I cannot tell you how assured I was in my heart. Like, oh, you got this. Like, it's not another six. Who's like, I don't know. You may die.

Nate 1:10:31

Okay. Okay.

Libby 1:10:35

op, she was like, here's what happened, here's how he is. And I was like, all right. Yep.

Beth 1:10:40

Don't worry.

Nate 1:10:40

Okay.

Jeff 1:10:45

so be sure to enneagram type your doctors.

Beth 1:10:47

No, I felt very, very reassured with her. Um, okay. So what I want to say is to my kids, including Mark, you are our kid. Um, Love you guys. I'm proud of the hard work you each have done on your own story or knowing yourself, um, remaining curious and going through the highs and lows all while continuing in the path of growth because it matters. And I know a lot of people always say, Oh, if I only knew the Enneagram when I was younger. Well, I'm just thankful that you do know the Enneagram when you're young, in your early twenties, and you are using it. at such an effective rate. I know it can be really irritating and frustrating. So guys out there that you're listening, you're like, Oh, I wish my kids guys using the Enneagram all the time is hard. Like, cause you're constantly faced with your internal world. So that's why I'm saying Nate, Libby, and Mark, I'm really proud of you for continuing to do the work

Thankfulness and Looking Forward

Beth 1:11:53

you're doing. Cause it matters in these big situations. Then lastly, I want to say, I love you. And I'm so grateful that I get all this extra time with you. And to have new adventures and new stories, to be grandparents together. And I'm super thankful that in your, not only you, have you modeled for the family internal self care, but I can tell that you are now going to model external physical self care. Because you're doing everything that, You're supposed to do to get well and to stay well. And for that, I'm super grateful for your loyalty and your love for yourself, but also for us. So anyway, I love you. And for everyone listening, thank you so much for spending time with us. And we hope that you guys have an amazing Thanksgiving and that you celebrate all the highs and lows together. We'll see you next time on your Enneagram coach, the podcast