Welcome to Your Enneagram Coach: Unlocking Personal Growth

Beth 0:00

Have you ever wished you could see what a real coaching session is like? Will be so amazed to see how one session can bring astonishing clarity. And incredible insights that are life transforming. welcome friend to your Enneagram coach, the podcast. I'm Beth McCord, your Enneagram coach. And at YEC, we are passionate about unlocking and transforming the lives of others while using the tool of the Enneagram from a Christian perspective. we do this with engaging podcast, our insightful books, dynamic courses, and all of these resources can be found at your Enneagram coach. com. Now with these tools, you will have the resources you need to understand yourself and others better for lasting personal and relational growth. But we also train exceptional Enneagram coaches who are well equipped to guide you through your own personal journey so that you can be coached in a customized way to get your coach. Go to my Enneagram coach. com. But some of you out there, you're Enneagram enthusiasts. You can't stop talking about the Enneagram and giving insights to others. Well, if that's you, then. Get our free mini course. And it's a taste of what our becoming a Graham coach course is like. You can get that free mini course at your any grant coach. com forward slash mini course. Now in today's episode, you're going to have a treat because you get a sneak peek into a real coaching session. With a type seven. Now you can listen or watch this on our YouTube channel. And actually I recommend seeing on our YouTube channel, because I'm going to have our guide sheet on there. And then you get to see us doing the coaching session in person. I know a lot of you have been learning the Enneagram through books, reading blogs, uh, listening to other podcasts or watching YouTube videos. But There's nothing like seeing a real coaching session. And I thought today would be a perfect day for you to sit in on one. in this episode, I'm going to take a type seven through their specific guide sheets. So we have five guide sheets that we train our coaches to take their clients through one for each of the first five sessions. And then they move on to other things, but these first five sessions help. The client to explore their type in a guided way that will help them to unlock and get to know themselves better. And that's what you're going to experience today. So you're going to hear us go through the first guide sheet for the type seven. Now, with all that being said, let's dive in and let me introduce you to our type seven for today. Marty Munger. Now, Marty is originally from Alabama, but now she lives in Austin, Texas with her husband and her two cats. what I'm hoping that you're going to experience is this customized approach of using the Enneagram to explore her type so that she understands what's going on in her internal world and why she reacts and thinks and behaves in particular ways, both not so healthy and her healthy, uh, Paths of growth. we're going to take a dive into her own life circumstances and help her to navigate how to move better in a healthy way. here's Marty and I in our coaching session together. Hey, Marty. It's so great to have you here. How are you doing? I'm doing

Marty 3:30

well. I'm really excited to be here today.

Beth 3:33

Yeah. And you're in Austin, Texas, right? Yes, I am. Good. I bet the weather's pretty nice down there at this time of year, right?

Marty 3:41

It's finally getting nice. We've had, I mean, I'm not good with winter. I'm not good with cold weather and we're finally getting days where it hits 70 again. So I'm

Beth 3:51

happier. Right. Right. You're on the upswing. Well, that's good. Um, well, what made you feel compelled to just like, raise your hand and say, I want to be a part of a coaching session with Beth. Um, was there any like, story or challenge or experience that you're going through that you want to kind of talk through as we go through that for this first guide sheet together.

Marty 4:13

Yeah, absolutely. I think, and I know we're, we're going to get into this, but that fear for type seven, I feel has really come into my life a lot more recently, that fear of. Whether it's being trapped in emotional pain, physical pain, like that fear of pain has really been pretty present and pretty nagging, even in situations where I'm like, I shouldn't be worrying about this, it tends to sneak in there and I think it's always a good idea. To, to get coaching and to learn more about that. And, you know, it's the sevens world of trying to keep things happy and pain free, but you can't always

Beth 4:56

do that. Yeah, you're absolutely right. I mean, I wish we could, that would be amazing. Um, but someday we'll experience that, you know, on the other side with, with that. Um, But yeah, so since we're here, you know, yeah, um, we do bump up into lots of different struggles and then there's times in life where, you know, you can do the best you can to reframe and to be positive, but some things in life are just really hard. And so, um, yeah, I'd like to. Um, you know, explore that with you, um, now, as you know, this is coaching, not counseling. So just to kind of set the stage with that. So counseling is taking a look back into whether it's your childhood or traumas that you've experienced and using a licensed professional and particular modalities to heal. from those things, but coaching is different. Coaching is looking at, you know, something that you're stuck in or a place that you want to go, um, a goal you have and that you want guidance from the moment you're in and moving forward. Now that doesn't mean we can't. Look at some of the, the background story of, you know, something that's keeping you stuck right now, but there's just a difference between how we approach coaching and if someone needed counseling. So, um, I know that you're aware of that, but I just kind of wanted to set that stage, um, because I know, you know, I know a little bit of background of the thing that you particularly have been struggling with and. So I just wanted to kind of set that stage so that we're all on the same page. So I hope that's okay. Yeah, absolutely. And that makes sense. Yeah. Um, okay. So today we're going to go through, um, our YECs guide sheet number one for type seven and there's five of them, but we're only going to have time to explore the first one today, but I think we're going to get a lot out of it. Um, and my hope for you is to really use this time. to start collecting the dots so you can connect the dots because the more you can connect the dots, you're going to have new neural pathways in your mind to go, Oh, that's what's going on. And okay, I don't have to believe those false messages or those inclinations. Um, I can, you know, head down a different path that's healthier for me or experience life in a new way that feels uncomfortable. So, um, but it can be really uncomfortable, right? Like all growth is. So I just want to validate that this can be a really uncomfortable experience for you as a type seven, and I want to be mindful of that, and I want to keep this Um, in some sort of balance between us having a good time talking and exploring together, but also vulnerability and realness. And so if at any time you're feeling like, I just want to hightail it out of here, just let me know. And we can always take a pause on the intensity of maybe said situation in the moment. And so that we can keep you fully engaged. Right. Right. Um, and so don't hesitate to kind of. Give me a heads up on that. Um, I appreciate that. Yeah, good. Okay. Um, so I'm going to put the guide sheet up here on the screen and, um, I think I asked you earlier if you wanted to read, um, the things on the guide sheet or do you want me to read? And you said for me, so that's great. I'm totally happy to do that. So I'm going to read, um, this first, you know, like the portion and what I'm hoping for you to do is to listen as I'm reading and then any thoughts that come to mind, aha moments, questions. Um, You know, maybe you're like, Oh my gosh, that connects with this story. When I was in middle school, the more you can talk about whatever is happening inside you in the moment, like your thoughts and feelings and inclinations, the more it's going to connect to new neural pathways so that you can actually go there more quickly, more often in the future. Does that make sense? Yeah. Okay. So what we're seeing here on this guide sheet, the first thing we're seeing is just that, um, you know, you're the entertaining optimist, the enthusiast, um, the adventurer, as some will say, and there's five words here that I want to just see which ones really stand out to you the most and why. So you're playful, excitable, versatile, but you can also be scattered at times and an escapist. So what really stood out there?

Marty 9:33

I would say excitable. Excitable is probably the one that. I feel like if I'm into something, it is full on excitement and I look for ways to try to make things more excited, more exciting if possible. Even if it's just like cleaning the dishes, like trying to make it a game or trying to Play a song and trying to make everything a little bit more exciting than it, than it may actually be. Um, Escapist is probably, probably the word that does resonate the most on that other side. Just because, I mean. Even when I think about physical pain, it's, I'm like, how quickly can I get through this? How quickly can I, like, make this stop? Even if it's as simple as a stuffy nose, I am like, How do we get out of this? How do we? We're going to have to fix this. There has to be a way there has to be a remedy. Like we, it's 2024. We shouldn't have stuffy noses anymore. Like we should have a cure and yeah. So I think escapist is the one that really sticks out

Beth 10:41

to me. Yeah. Oh, I mean that totally makes sense.

Exploring the Core Motivations of Type Seven

Beth 10:45

And um, I think we'll dive in now into the core motivations. Cause I'd love to ask questions that kind of go along with excitable and um, escapist. But I think when we. unpack the core motivations, we can connect the dots here as well. So the core motivations are the driving force behind why you think, feel, and behave. So every Enneagram type has core motivations and When you understand what is really going on internally, a lot of things are going to start to make sense. And you can start to put like basically pieces of the puzzle together and then hopefully reorient your heart into a healthier trajectory. So for the type seven, you have a core fear, the thing that you're trying to prevent from happening, your core fear is to be deprived, trapped in emotional pain, limited, bored, and definitely missing out on something fun. Does this seem true for you? Definitely. Um, and then the core desire, this is like, oh my goodness, if I had this thing, life would be full and rich and I'll be satisfied. And for the type seven, it is, well, I desire being happy, satisfied, and fully content. Now the core weakness of the seven, this is your Achilles heel, the thorn in your side, the thing that keeps tripping you up all the time. Um, Yours is gluttony. Now, gluttony for a lot of people, you know, it's, Oh, it's food. Well, of course, Evans usually typically love a variety of foods and they're excited to try lots of things. But gluttony here means that you feel that you have a great emptiness and you have an insatiable desire to fill up this emptiness with fun things and experiences and stimulation in hopes that you can finally feel satisfied and content inside. And I like to describe this for people. That are sevens as like, there's this big, like painter's bucket, you know, inside, but there's holes at the bottom that the seven is not fully aware of. And they're like, I've got to fill this bucket. And Oh, there's a fun thing. And they kind of grab experiences and stimulations and they put it in their bucket, but then leaks out at the bottom and they looked down and they're like, wait, where did that all go? Oh, no problem. And so they reframe in their mind, like, no problem. Let's go to the next one thing. And then it gets funding. It's really kind of like. Almost like a starving kid who is seeing lots of cotton candy and eating the cotton candy as if it's going to fully nourish them and benefit them. But as we know, it's not. And so for the seven, that insatiable desire to fill themselves up with experiences, stimulation, positivity keeps going on until they fully recognize it. And. fill that void with something actually that is more satisfying than the things of this world. Um, and we can get into that a little bit, but their core longing of the seven, this is the message your heart longs to hear and experience is to hear you will be taken care of now. As you hear any of these, which ones, if not all really stand out to you, and maybe you can even thread all four through one particular experience, you know, like, Oh my gosh, they all fit in this one thing. But what stood out to you the most and why?

Marty 14:07

Yeah, definitely being trapped in emotional pain. I think that to me, it's honestly, it always surprises me that this isn't everyone's fear. It, to me, that is the lowest point you can be in, is being in some sort of grief or loss or pain in a way that you can't really reframe or you can't do something about. Right. And, and I think it, it hits hard because you, and this is probably one of those false messages, but if you are in emotional pain as a seven, it's really hard for me to believe that. You're, you're not going to be able to shake it. Like it's always going to be there. It's always going to like, you're always going to have that feeling. And it's hard to believe that you can have that feeling and have positive emotions. It feels like it's only going to be the bad. And, and if you're experiencing it, there's no, there's no backdoor to it. And. And then you won't like your life anymore. And I know that's not true, but that's where my, my fear automatically

Beth 15:17

goes to. It almost sounds like, correct me if I'm wrong, but I almost have this picture of quicksand. Like once you get in it, like there's no getting out and like the harder you might try to make things positive, it's only going to like suck you down into the spare more. Does that feel true? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Marty 15:35

And if you. And it's also that fear of if I'm in emotional pain, the things that I, that used to make me happy won't. And I can't, and you just feel like you're going to be stuck.

Beth 15:48

Yeah. Yeah. Wow. What, which is also missing out on fun or fun or satisfaction or joy. It doesn't have to be necessarily fun, fun. It could be just. The joy of life, and like, you won't be able to have that, right?

Marty 16:04

Right, like, if you're not happy, then what's the point? It's like, then where do you go from there? Like, if you can't access being happy, then, then it's all doom and gloom, and that's not a good place to be, so.

Beth 16:19

Yeah. Is there a particular area of your life where a lot of these kind of like, you're like, Oh yeah, this all kind of resonates with this one thing that I feel stuck in. Hmm.

Marty 16:36

I'm trying to think, I know I kind of sent this story in, but I feel like as I get older, I struggle so much more with the realization that. I am gonna have to face hard things, and I feel like, and I know this might be the seven talking, but I feel like I've had a really great life, so I'm like, oh, everything's great, everything's fine, nothing's been that bad, I, you know, and that's not true, there's things that have been hard, for sure, but I'm like, the older you get, the more likely things are going to go. So, be difficult or you're gonna lose people or you're going to feel different, you know, different levels of pain. And I know over the summer, my husband and I were in a pretty nasty car wreck. And at the time I, You know, it was really scary and I've always been a pretty anxious driver. I don't know what it is about being in a car that makes me feel trapped. Like something about it is very like, if, if there are people too close to us, if there's like anyone coming in my lane, I'm, I'm on high alert and I'm like, I feel trapped immediately. But this one was a really nasty car wreck and we were fine. We, nothing bad. Like we were okay. Not injured. No one else was injured. So in my mind it was like, okay, this really isn't that big of a deal. Because we were okay. The car wasn't, but we were okay, but then it trickles into life outside of that where I have a ton of anxiety, like worse in the car, but then also just the fear of, you know, losing people or even not having the car being limited, not being able to go places made me really upset. Like, it was kind of, it was funny in the moment, like. The wreck happened and I was like, okay, we're okay. We're all right. And then I asked my husband, he was driving. I was like, is the car still drivable? And he was like, no, the car is not drive. That's when I lost it. I was like, Oh no, there goes my, like. Ability to get from point A to point B, and we couldn't leave the situation. I think that was the other part that was tough because we couldn't just go. And people were coming up to us, and it was a whole thing, and I had no escape route. You have to just be there.

Beth 18:52

Right, yeah, like, who wants to be there, right? Like, that is scary, it's hard, it's, yeah. Wow. Well, I'm so glad that you guys are okay. Um, and I can see definitely how your core fear and desire really played, you know, a big role in that. Um, you know, here you were, I mean, and you were trapped in like, as you said, you know, I don't know why, you know, as a seven, you know, I've always felt trapped inside the car and I love to just take a minute or two to explore that. What do you think? Bye. Bye. Bye. About being in the car feels that you're trapped. Yeah,

Marty 19:36

like, even if I'm driving or if someone else is driving, like, I know we can always pull over, but it's more of the fact that other, like, I don't have control over what other people are doing. Like, I can't control what they're going to do or come into our lane. And I think this wreck made me very aware of the fact that. Yeah, you don't, people can just come over, they can just do whatever. And it's, it sounds very bleak, but you're very aware. It's like, that's all around you.

Beth 20:06

Well, I think this is a, that's exactly where I was going in my mind, but I just kind of wanted to see, you know, where, you know, cause I mean, just because I'm thinking, that doesn't mean you're thinking it. So, um, So as I'm kind of imagining you in a car, I can really hear the sixth part of your heart being like, I can think of all the worst case scenarios because I can't control the people outside me. I could definitely, if I'm, if I'm the one driving, I can control how I'm driving, but there's no guarantee about how everyone else is driving. Um, and then especially if your husband's driving and it's not you driving again. There's lack of control and the lack of control, I would think is just like, again, you're being deprived or you're trapped in a situation that you don't have the ability to maneuver quickly. Um, and so I would love to kind of think through with that intact, how. What do you, how do you think the met the core message or the core longing you will be taken care of? Where would you love to see that to come to fruition like let's say in the car Like how would you love to know you will be taken care of because sevens in general are like hey No one's fully given me satisfaction alive. I've got to do it by myself. I'm fine. I've got it But in reality, like you said In real life, we're not fully satisfied. And it would be so amazing if someone could say, I'll take care of you. I've got you. I really mean it. Like they really can do it. And that ultimately is God. Um, but what would it feel like to actually experience that feeling that I will take care of you in the car?

Marty 21:53

Well, I feel a lot less stressed. I feel really relieved and like. Okay, everything's gonna be alright, like, no one's gonna touch us, we're gonna get where we're going, and nothing's gonna impede that, and, and I could relax a little bit, I wouldn't have to be on, like, high alert of what's What's going to happen and how do I, how do we get out of it if we're in something stressful? But I would feel a lot of relief to feel that and I think even you just saying like if someone just said to me, you're going to be okay, you're going to be taken care of, like we're going to be okay. It's like, okay, you're right, you're right. It's, I can get out of my own head of listening to, you know.

Beth 22:34

Yes. And I think that is the first path of the seven is like, okay, good. I can like stop thinking about worst case scenarios. I can just move on. But. That's actually not reality, unfortunately. So there is something to be said about, let's say the six part of your heart. That's trying to bring reality to the forefront. Like, Hey, there can be accidents. Didn't you see like the summer it happened. Um, so let's protect ourselves. So the six definitely is chiming in and it's there to protect you now. It might be doing it in a way that's over exaggerating. Um, but we also have to honor that part of your heart and say, and validate it. Like, yeah, I get it. Like it totally makes sense why you have concern. And even if. We do know that God takes care of us. He provides for us, but that doesn't necessarily mean bad things won't ever happen. We just know that eternally we are fully safe in his care. And so there's kind of an already, but not yet. Okay. So the already is. I am safe in the care of God. I am his beloved and he will ultimately protect me and he's near to me and he embraces me. So there is that wonderful sense. And at the same time, I think it's good for a type seven to also embrace the reality that we never really do know what could happen. And that will also, in some sense, if you are able to be honest and real with that part of your heart and welcome it instead of, because I'm sure as a seven, it's like, be quiet, get away. Like, I don't want to hear you anymore. Yes. What, like, what do we do when we don't feel heard by someone?

Marty 24:25

Yeah.

Beth 24:30

So I would just be curious if you were to take some time, you know, like, like a day, you know, like it could be an hour, it could be five minutes, you know, whatever feels comfortable and just explore and kind of welcome that part, like write down the things that that part is saying, and just. Really look at it and welcome it without shame, condemnation, trying to control it, and just see what it says. And then let it know that as the adult mature, Marty will take care of it to the best of your ability. Um, and see what happens with that space. Now I do want to say just totally up front, like going through a car wreck, you know, there is a lot of trauma involved. So definitely whether, you know, you, you do or want to, of course, I'm always going to recommend that people get some counseling just to kind of walk through that path in, um, with a healing or a licensed professional, but at the same time as a coaching path, I think. There are things that we can do that helps us to not negate a part of our heart. That's trying to say, Hey, hello, I've been trying to warn you certain things. And so what does that feel like to allow that part of your heart just to be so authentic and real and just listen. It doesn't mean you have to, it, that it's true that you, once you start letting them talk about it, that it's going to be that way forever. In fact, usually when we, someone does listen to us completely. Fully what usually happens, we feel a lot better Yeah. We feel a lot better. We don't, we kind of just stop talking about it as much. Yeah. We feel like a sense of relief. And so what does that feel like to maybe have some time to just let that part of your heart to unpack its fears? Yeah, that's

Marty 26:20

definitely a challenge I think. The part that you mentioned about not fully believing it, because I think that, that stress part, or that, that, that, you know, the wrong messages can be so convincing that you just buy into it and think, oh, this is what's going to happen. I can't handle this. I'm not going to be okay. Yeah, but how you said kind of separating it, like just listening to it and stopping there. I, I think that's where I can do a better job is stopping in my tracks and kind of. Acknowledging those feelings, but not always assigning truth to them, that's that's tricky. That's very, very tricky. Yeah, right. It's hard to question what you feel, I guess, because it's valid, but it's not always Yeah. That's not always what's going to happen. You know, you can't go too big. Like, I think as that, I don't know, I could be very exaggerated with fear and think, oh gosh, this is gonna, this is gonna happen again. Like, it's coming and I'm not gonna be able to handle it, but acknowledging that, yes, you're gonna have that fear, but Pausing. I think pausing is huge for sure.

Beth 27:36

Right. Yeah. Especially for a seven to pause. And in our book, more than your number, we talk about these internal parts with Enneagram internal profile. And so what I would suggest is getting a piece of paper out and allow the healthy part of yourself. Like the part that shows up for everyone else as you guide people and encourage people, the things that you, and this is the healthy side, that will not be. Everything's going to be great. You know, not, but the part that's like, Hey, I, I know really important things. I know a growth path. Um, so write things at the top of there. Like, um, I will take care of you. And so this is talking to that less healthy or, or vulnerable part. I will take care of you. It will be okay. You know, anything that, that older part of you that is mature and feels belong to let that be at the top of the page. And that way, as the other part kind of unloads what it's feeling, the truth of the leader of your heart can, can be right in the forefront of your mind, you know? So that way you don't just kind of spiral down and it just feels like you're just going to be swept away. Does that feel. Yeah. Paper.

Marty 28:49

Yeah, I'm like tearing up a little because just like telling like your mature self telling you like, I got you. I'm going to take care of you. It's going to be like, you'll be taken care of. We'll be okay. Like kind of seeing yourself in that way is it's like, Oh, I can do that. I can. It's

Beth 29:06

possible. And it's like, think about your younger self, like your little younger self. And I just look at little Marty and at some point just say, I totally get why you're scared. Like it makes total sense feeling trapped and here's all the things, but I also know that we will go through hard things, but we've done some really great things and getting through them, you know, and we've got friends and we've got, um, uh, family and we've got the Lord that helps us to get through. So does that feel. Yeah. No, you, you let it all out. What, what is, what's coming to mind for you right now?

Marty 29:49

I'm going to try to

Beth 29:50

be, you don't have to put it together. You can do

Marty 29:53

you. I think you just listing out like, Oh yeah, you have things to get you through hard stuff. Like you have an arsenal of people who can be there for you and you know, like reminding yourself that it's not just you alone handling

Beth 30:11

difficult things. Yeah. And that goes with the internal, one of the false messages of the seven is we're really the blended childhood messages that don't depend on anyone for anything. And so basically you're more mature, older part of your heart is saying to this younger vulnerable part that has always heard that message internally is like, I totally get why you. Hear that message and you think no one can come through for you only you can, and now you're afraid that you don't even have control over of life and that's valid and understanding. But we do have a path there. There are ways to get through and yeah, something's gonna be really, really hard, but we've always endured, you know, the infinity, being the seven, like that one of the words at the top is versatile, right? Um, and so. Just always keeping in mind that you're not just one part, you're not going to be just the scared, vulnerable part you have this part of your heart, Marty, who's an adult and beloved and feels, um, versatile and has a great arsenal to help that, uh, younger part. But I think the key is, is to allow that part to feel welcomed, attuned to and cared for so they can say what they need to say while also not. You know, slipping into their pattern and way of thinking. So there's a difference between listening and attuning than, um, believing and going down that rabbit hole with them. Does that make sense? Yes.

Marty 31:47

And I think that is something that I have definitely struggled with in the past is getting into, especially if I do take some alone time, sometimes that can be really tricky because I can start to really have, that's where the negative thoughts come up and that's where the spiral happens. And then it's just a. Not a great cycle, but like you said, acknowledging it and and kind of kind of padding it a little and then going from there is That's something I know I need to practice more because I will push things away and push the negative out until it gets too loud. And then it's hard to ignore.

Beth 32:27

So that's what you're experiencing right now is that part of you is like, you're not listening. And so, and that's okay. That's just what. That part does because they're afraid and they don't feel heard and attuned to and so they're just doing what's natural for them. And it's not shame. You don't have to condemn yourself. You don't feel bad about it. It's just is what it is, but we can change how we do. Attune ourselves to the inner parts of ourselves. And again, like that's probably, um, I mean, there's, as you know, we have lots of parts. So we have our wings and we have our integrand pads and then obviously our main type. So I think it's a combination right now of your main type and the sixth part of your heart that's thinking of all worst case scenarios. And that's okay in that you can attune to that part. Um, well, let's go on. Cause I know this is going to kind of like, um, you know, weave into some of the other parts, um, of the guide sheet. So I'm going to read the first three paragraphs and then I'll read, um, well, actually I'll read the first four paragraphs and then I'll read the last paragraph. And. Keep in mind kind of like what we've been talking about, the struggle that you have, um, and just all the things that we've talked up to this point, and then see what can unfold from this information. Okay. Uh, you radiate positivity and happiness, but internally you are always longing for more and fearful of missing out to you. Life is like cotton candy, super sweet to taste, but it disappears quickly, leaving you unsatisfied and wanting more. When life is hard, you experience a deep internal struggle in your attempt to avoid all pain at all costs. When life gets complicated, painful, sad, and boring, you quickly escape to things that please you, allowing you to avoid the painful feelings that you fear. The cost to yourself as you pursue your need for adventure, happiness, and stimulating experiences is the inability to enjoy the present and feel satisfied with what you already have. You may keep yourself extremely busy to avoid dealing with internal anxieties. Sorrow and boredom, putting painful things out of your awareness or reframing suffering into something positive without truly dealing with it always shows up into count counterproductive ways throughout your life. You can struggle in relationships becoming scattered, uncommitted and unreliable.

Navigating Emotional Depth and Avoidance

Beth 35:09

People close to you may get frustrated when you feel that you value new experiences and things more than them. Your tendency can be your tendencies can be can hinder emotional depth, which often involves walking through challenges, emotional, challenging emotions and pain together. So what stood out the most in that section for you and why? Okay, there were a few. Let me go back. Let's see. Sure.

The Power of Acknowledging Pain

Marty 35:44

Let's see. Putting painful things out of your awareness. Um, I will do almost anything to avoid. Hearing something sad, like watching something sad, uh, if there is a thought that pops into my head, like it is It is all arms go of trying to get that out. Like even today I was frustrated because I had music on shuffle and I was, I was doing something and it was a really sad song and I couldn't change it. I had to listen to it. I couldn't do it. I was upset that I was like, I've got to get this song off. It needs to be blocked. Like, I know that's a really simple example, but.

Beth 36:23

That was a great example. Yeah. I mean, that's, that's the beauty of the Enneagram because it goes back to those core motivations and even as simple as that song, you can become aware of like, Oh, well, that's why I put the song off and, and then deal with it. In a more, I guess, thoughtful manner in the sense of like, okay, I have, I have, I have, you know, tools. I have things I can use. And yeah, you know what, I don't like feeling this, you know, with this song, you know, and so, and sometimes it's kind of fun just to laugh about it. Great example, even if it's the smallest example, um, it highlights the importance of understanding what's going on. Right. Yeah,

Marty 37:09

yeah, and let me see that other, other part of that, a reframing suffering into something positive without truly dealing with it always shows up in counterproductive ways. It's kind of going back to what we were saying with if you don't acknowledge it. If you try to put it away really fast or move on, it's going to come out in other ways or seep out and in different situations. And, and that's tricky because I, I sometimes just don't even realize that I've pushed it away until, you know, it comes out later. And yeah, it just magnifies emotions more. I think when, when it is seeping out and then I'm like, why is this thing making me so sad? And it's almost like, that's kind of why that song makes me so sad because I'm not dealing with I hear a song and it's like, why am I crying this hard? You know?

Embracing the Enneagram for Self-Discovery

Beth 38:10

Yeah. Well, I was just going to say, you know, I talk a lot about The Enneagram being a rumble strip on the highway, that thing that alerts you when you're starting to veer off course and crash into like the field or something off, um, the highway. So it sounds like when, even like we said, even the littlest things that the sad song comes up and you just want to turn it off, but you can't, cause you can't get to whatever device it is to switch it. Um, but then you start feeling sad or crying that alone could be a rumble strip, you know, a warning of like, why am I feeling this way? Oh, you know, there's something I might not be dealing with and it doesn't mean you have to deal with it right now in the moment. I think there's something to be said about acknowledging how you've been designed and wired. So as a seven naturally jumping to the next fun thing and reframing you. You realize that in order to really navigate your heart in places that are hard, you really have to set yourself up for success in that. And that's kind of what I was saying, like writing those things on that piece of paper, like minding yourself at the, like the adult part of your heart, the mature part of your heart, writing down those things are true. So that as you unpack things, you've set yourself up to be able to actually go into those hard places, um, with more resilience. Does that make sense?

Marty 39:35

Yeah, I think you just saying writing down the things that are true, that really resonates with me because if, if I don't have like something to hold on to, it's, I won't have the resilience, you know, it's, if you don't address things, you almost don't have the stamina for when things do get hard or get complicated. And yeah, writing down things that are true. That's, That, I need to, I need to do that more consistently. And it doesn't, and it sounds crazy because it's like, yeah, I know what's true. But then I'm like, but do I really, am I really being honest with myself

Beth 40:14

on? I think, and that's where I love the, the language of parts because a part of you totally believes it's true. It lives the truth, but there's a part of you that doesn't believe it's true, hopes that it's true. I mean, there's lots of different things that are happening within you and that's where it's good to just accept. That it's okay that there's different parts that have feelings or viewpoints. And, and when I say, okay, it's not like it's okay. Like let them run amok. You know, we're not the opposite. It's like, yeah, we can welcome it and acknowledge it and not shame it. But we also want to guide it and lead it into what, what is actually truth. Um, and so that helps us to not be as scared of these parts of us. Um, just like we just want people to hear us out, you know, and not to be afraid of us when we're having a down day. Um, and so that's kind of the approach to take. Um, so was there anything else in those three paragraphs that really stood out to you? Let's see.

The Journey Towards Emotional Resilience

Marty 41:17

Your tendencies can hinder emotional depth. That, that makes me kind of sad because I try really hard to have a lot of emotional depth for other people and I know when I don't allow myself that it's, I'm not doing myself a service on being able to, you know, give that to other people. And I, I think that's one of my biggest frustrations is when people, when I, when I am perceived as surface level or not deep. And yeah, and it goes back to, like, you have to deal with even, even just some of, like, the slightly negative emotions that aren't, like, encompassing, like, the ones that are pretty easy to shut, like, shrug off, like, taking the time to acknowledge those, that way you can continue to build that emotional depth, um, but yeah, that one, that one really sticks out to me and it hasn't in a long time. I will say, When I first read Seven, it was like, okay, whatever, but, but now it's like, no, I really want to be able to have that with people. And that means you have to have it with yourself. And that's, well, I

Beth 42:28

think challenge, you know, I hope that with our time here and you being vulnerable and even crying, um, That there are going to be some people, not, not all the people, but there's going to be some people that you can go there, that you can dip your like toes in the water of sadness, but knowing that the people around you have got you that, you know, that they're not, they're going to allow you to be really open and transparent while also making sure you don't just. Dive, you know, headlong into it and never come back out. And I think if you know that you're going to be with that kind of person, then it will be more easy to go there with them because sevens are really deep. I mean, you just showed it, you know, but they don't always. Demonstrate it to other people because there's a lot of fear, you know, like, what have I never come back from this? Or what if people sucking me down into the rabbit hole of sadness and despair, you know, um, and so that makes total sense. But I think as you find those safe people in your life, I think the connection and the vulnerability, um, will come as well. Yeah, absolutely. Okay. So the last paragraph is on a more hopeful, upful swing. Um, however, when your heart aligns with the gospel, you become more grounded in the present moment and you're able to savor, uh, what is actually before you and with a grateful heart. So trusting that God will fulfill your internal longings, you become more receptive and thoughtful. And when you combine all of this with your natural creativity and energy, you'll inspire others. As you walk through both the highs and the lows in life. So paint a picture for me of when this is true for you. Ooh, let's see.

Marty 44:30

I think it kind of goes back to recentering myself on really understanding what is true. Cause when I'm like, okay, I, I can get through things or I have my people when I am a little bit more aware. of what's really happening, um, then I can be a little less scattered and all over the place. Um, and that's when I can kind of be more in that, that center of creativity and energy. Yeah. And, and being more grateful for what I do have. I think I can lose sight of that a little bit. Um, or obsess over it too much, where I'm like, oh my gosh, I love, like, This sounds, this sounds silly, but like, I love my cat so much and he's really old and I'm now like worried I'm going to lose him. And yeah, and, and my husband said to me, he's like, you've got to enjoy the time you do have. And it's, and that's like, that's sad, but it's so true. Like you have, like, you've got to enjoy what you do have. Um, yeah. And it's, it's hard. It's a hard lesson for me to remember. But when I am in that place. I'm a lot lighter, a lot more just in tune and happier.

Beth 45:48

Yeah, that's really, really insightful. Um, and yeah, that, that is going to be really hard when you don't have him. But man, the sweet moments that you can have now that will carry with you are going to also be. Joyful in the, you know, in the future too. So, um, I love how you kind of connected those dots with this. Um,

Exploring the Enneagram Paths: Stress and Growth

Beth 46:10

okay. So on the backside, we're going to talk about Enneagram pass. So this is the two numbers you're connected to on the Enneagram symbol. So for the seven, that's type one and type five. And. If people are looking at this on YouTube, you'll see it clearly. If not, I'll try to, um, explain that there are four boxes here with the Enneagram symbols in each of them. And the first box is the stress path. And this is when a type seven moves to the average, the unhealthy parts of type one, like you don't become a one, but you can take on some of the attributes of a one. And, um, what that will look like is. The type seven, um, can impose risk or yeah, restrictions and limitations on yourself to be more productive. So like you get really kind of on yourself, kind of critical. You can also notice and point out imperfections, wanting yourself and others to live up to higher standards or ideals. And then they'll get upset with and become critical of others when they're preventing fun from happening or experiencing. Um, a great example of this. I always love this example. It was in the office when it was Michael Scott's birthday, but it would also happen to fall on the same day that Kevin was going to hear from the doctor if he had skin cancer or not. So everyone was focusing on Kevin and the potential of skin cancer and totally ignoring Michael's birthday. And I mean, he, you could see that one coming out, getting really kind of critical and, you know, just all the things that such, such a great example of how the one can show up because a lot of times we were like ones. Because our sevens can be like ones was like, yeah, they really can, but a lot of it goes back to the sevens core motivations when those are being prevented or happening, they can move to that one space. So where in your life has that one showed up? I have

Marty 48:04

a very. very similar example to that, like similar to the office where not, not that gloom, but, um, not that bleak of someone getting cancer results. I, it was maybe my, uh, I want to say like 16th birthday and my birthday falls near Thanksgiving. So our whole family is together. And I remember being so frustrated because we were. We were at a place where there were a lot of wineries and being 16, there's not much to do at a winery. And I was so angry because I was like, it's my birthday and you're taking me to places that I can't do anything at except maybe eat some crackers and maybe eat some cheese. And I was so bored, bored. And I was a brat all day because I was like, why are we doing this? On my birthday and kept trying to like bargain my way to get things like, can we go to this shopping center? Can we go to this place? Like, can we do this once we leave this winery? Like trying to somehow sneak in my way and it turned out by the end of the day, we didn't have time for those things and I was very prickly. I was very much in my one.

Beth 49:16

That's so funny. I brought up that same example. I had no idea. That's so hilarious. I know. That is sad. I mean, it's your 16th birthday and

Marty 49:25

you're totally bored. But we had plans for my birthday another day. I am out. I feel like we did like we know, but yeah,

Beth 49:33

but it was the day is the seventh. Like, well, I can experience fun on my birthday and the other day too. We can do multiple. Oh, that's so great. Thanks for that example. Um, okay. So this, the next box is the blind spot path, and this is the seven moving to the average, the unhealthy parts of type five and. This typically only shows up with your family, maybe a close friend. So the people that you kind of let your hair down are really the only ones that typically see these qualities come out. And so for you as a seven, you're going to grow tired of being positive and energetic. You might conserve your energy by withdrawing and seeking seclusion to recharge, and you can experience darker, cynical, and more pessimistic viewpoints. You know, the seven, usually when they're with other people, uh, they're pretty energetic and fun and positive and keep, you know, everyone connected together and thinking of the next fun thing to do. Um, But obviously that's exhausting. Right. And so when they're with their family, they might fully retreat, um, need time alone. They might not be that same bubbly, positive person and family members can be like, You're a seven now you're not a seven, you know, but they'll see you as a seven out. Um, so my dad is a seven and this was very true. Um, in our family. So is this true? And if so paint us a story of how this happens for you.

Marty 51:07

I'm I'm trying to think of this. I have a specific example of one with my husband, so I'll come back. Yeah. But I know as a kid, I, you know, it's school and. Whatever I was doing. It was very lively, very energetic, always. Chatting, doing, moving, and at home, I would definitely be way more like I'm just gonna sit in my room and do what I want to do and I don't have to be happy right now. I don't have to show any of those. Like I don't have to be entertaining, so I'm just gonna withdraw to my room and I'm an only child, so it's very easy to do that. And even with like family events, I. Can see myself being more of an observer and kind of just going along with what they want to do, or just kind of, kind of just, what's the, I don't want to say like turning it off, but just being like, all right, I can just coast through this. Um, but the part about experiencing darker, cynical, more pessimistic viewpoints, I definitely do that with my husband. He's the one that gets to hear the dark worries that go through my head. Or like even recently, I'm like, We don't know how much longer I'm going to have with this cat and he's healthy. Keep that in mind. He is healthy. He's not sick or anything. And I'm worrying about like, I just, um, I, I know I'm not going to have like years and years and years with him. And he's like, why does your mind just go to this completely doom and gloom place? And I'm like, well, you're the only one that's hearing this. It's literally just him. Um, I'm not telling anyone else how, how just worried I am about that. He's not our completely healthy cat, but yeah. So he gets to hear every dark thought because I do feel incredibly safe with

Beth 52:56

him. Yeah. And it's, it's a positive and there's always, you know, negative aspects. So it's not that you being open and vulnerable is a bad thing. Um, it's, um, again, it's more, well, here, I'll give it to, to this, to you in this way. So the blind spot path is. the same direction we want to go in growth. So you, you want to move towards the five, but the healthy parts of five in growth, but growth is always hard. So instead of doing the hard work, sometimes we take the easier route out. And so instead of going inward and maybe journaling and being in the present moment and you know, all the things that. And I'm like, I'm just going to be, you know, I'm just going to tell you my darker. Inner thoughts and feelings. You know, kind of hopefully I can get that out and like, move on.

The Challenge of Accepting Life's Dualities

Beth 53:54

But so let's move into the next box, which is the growth path. And this is the seven moving to the healthy parts of five. What that will look like is that you're going to allow your quick mind to rest, finding more clarity and insight. You're going to place more value on wisdom and discipline by becoming more grounded and focused. And you're going to focus on your inner world and learn to accept. All of life, the good, the bad, the happy, and the sad. So, so there's one part where maybe the, the blind spot part is where you're just going on and on about the cat and you're not open to, um, grounding yourself and being more sober minded and self regulated. You're just kind of allowing your thoughts to go wherever, um, and getting really dark. Um. But the healthy part of five is the observer to observe that your cat is 13, even though he's healthy, he's still 13 and that there's richness in life today and that he's still healthy. But there's also sorrow that in the near future, whatever that is, you'll be gone. And. I love the picture of, um, this box. I always use this picture of Inside Out, the movie. So Joy, of course, the quintessential seven is trying to get rid of sadness, the entire movie. But at the very end, she has the epiphany, the aha moment that it's in collaboration. With sadness and all of the emotions that the richness of life is experienced and that she can actually feel the fullness of life in a new way. But it does include sadness and sorrow and pain and all the things. And so that's where this space comes from. Does that give you a great picture of it?

Marty 55:47

It does. It does. And I, uh, I'm, I'm always trying to kick sadness to the curve. I, I can handle anger a little bit more, but sadness is the one that, Oh yeah. And it's really hard to remember that it's like two sides of one coin that you, you have to have. The sad to understand how happy something makes you and and that's hard. It's hard to sit with both Just just because you really just want the only the happy but you do have to have the sadness to to have the good

Beth 56:20

Have you ever seen the movie Shadowlands? It's about, um, uh, C. S. Lewis, such a good movie, but anyway, towards the end, and I'm going to spoil it for people that haven't seen it, sorry. Um, but he does marry a woman, um, and she ends up having cancer and they actually, she, they got married so that she could basically live in England. Um, but then they grew to love each other and then she got cancer. And they were out and about in the fields and stuff, and then it started raining. So they went into the barn and he said, um, she said, can we talk about this, like what's coming? And he said, why are you ruining this special moment together? Like we're here together now. And she's like, part of the pain now, or part of the pain in the future is the joy now. Like, so we want to embrace the joy and its fullness, knowing full well that the more we enjoy life, especially with others, it will and can lead to pain later, but also we can carry that joy with us. And so, um. It's like, you know, same with your cat or, you know, whatever your fears are, we need to hold on to it more, um, intentionally and fully while still knowing that that in itself can lead and will lead to pain in the future, but why not experience the fullness of it all right now? Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah,

Marty 57:54

that one hurts my feelings. It does. That one is hard. It's, yeah, it's hard to hold both those things of like, enjoy what's happening now, even though Yeah. Sadness will come. Pain will come. Yeah.

Beth 58:10

Yeah. And this is where leaning into the healthy parts of five and one is going to be really beneficial. So the next box is the converging path and the converging path is when not only are you more of a healthy seven, but you've also incorporated that healthy. Uh, five in you that we just talked about, but now you're also moving into the healthy one part. And this is really hard to kind of get to, but it's so beautiful when it happens. And for a seven, you're going to learn to accept life as it is and live for a higher purpose. You're going to focus on top priorities and complete them with accuracy and on time without avoiding them or procrastinating. And you're going to take ownership of your responsibilities, even if they are not fun. I think I would also add to that in the context of what we're talking about is being able to fully acknowledge the reality of life. But. Still being a 7. So it's like you're not only acknowledging the fullness and the reality of life, but you're also bringing the abundance of life, the joy and God wants us to have abundance and joy. And so I definitely don't want sevens to hear. Oh, you should just. You know, sit in sorrow. No, that's not what we're saying. We need your joyfulness. We need the abundance that you offer yourself in the world. I mean, it's crucial, but you're not going to feel the richness of life. If you negate all of the negatives, um, and the pain that kind of comes with life. And it goes back to that analogy with joy and inside out at the end of that story. So seeing the converging path, what comes to mind for you there? I really

Marty 59:56

love the line about learn to accept life as it is and live for a higher purpose. I think that's beautiful. I'm definitely still on that path of trying to figure out how to do that better. For sure. I think accepting life as it is can be tough. I feel like I can halfway accept things, but learning to fully accept that. If things aren't going my way or I may not be like doing whatever I really want to be doing as fast as I want or getting things as fast as I want, like learning to appreciate the journey and kind of reminding myself to appreciate the journey because we just want to get where we want to go and that's not really where the learning comes. It's the process. Um, yeah. So that, that line. I really like that and I, I think it's something to continue to, to remind myself to

Beth 1:00:54

do. Yeah. So my picture, my vision for you is this healthy seven that radiates joy, but it's also bringing in the five where she can go inward and experience those emotions, um, and observe life, um, As it is, and then the one living for that higher purpose and that person, the beloved child, that's the beloved child part of your heart, the, the more mature leader of your heart. That's the one that can listen to the wounded part of your heart. That's throwing a temper tantrum that things aren't fun, or you don't want to be here, you know, in this moment, because it's sad or, you know, but that's where this part, the beloved part of your heart can listen. and attune to that part of your heart, just let them express themselves and then not reframe just to get into the positive, but give them what's actually true. Um, and that will allow that part of your heart to be able to be in the hard moments. Not that it's going to be fun, but they're going to be able to be in those hard moments with. I guess less intensity of trying to escape or to get out or rethink or, um, disconnect from the situation completely when you need to actually be there. So that would just be my. My hope for you is that you will cultivate that self leadership and so that you can experience more of the fullness of life, um, in ways that are really joyful, um, and joyful doesn't always mean happy, you know, um, it can be a range of emotions as well.

Marty 1:02:37

Yeah, I think, gosh, this really is so helpful. Just hearing, like learning to attune to your emotions. I think sometimes, like. I know what they are. Like, I think I can label them, but I don't know if I can necessarily. And them and look at them for what they are and what they're not.

Beth 1:02:58

And I think, and that's okay. And then you got to kind of welcome that and accept it. Because honestly, as a type seven, these muscles are, have atrophied. Did you have a new step? Yeah. And someone that has atrophied muscles and they're trying to learn how to walk again, you know, just, Oh my gosh, really? Like you're terrible. You know, it's like, no, it's like tear yourself on when you take a step. And like, when you build those muscles, like encourage yourself along the way. Um, there's things that your muscles are super strong. And that is you connecting with people, being positive, having fun. Um, You know, having purse, a purpose in life that gets everyone moving in a direction like you've got those muscles, these are muscles that are weaker and that's okay. So if you can accept just the reality of it, not shame it, then you'll see that you can encourage yourself to keep building those, even if it's a little bit at a time, it doesn't have to be like you have to. we're just trying to like figure it all out right now. Right. Like this is a journey and a process that we need to go through.

Confronting Internal Messages and Building Self-Leadership

Beth 1:04:01

Okay. The last part of, and we've already gone through some of these questions, but the last part is the internal message. And this is like a record player in your mind, a false message that constantly is in the background. And it feels so true and yours is when I get to what my heart wants and desires. Then I'm okay. Does that feel absolutely true to you? Yeah, that is,

Marty 1:04:24

that

Beth 1:04:24

is for sure true. It is true, right? Right. I always chime in with all my clients. Okay. But as a nine, my message is. If everyone else is good and okay, only then can I be good and okay. Well, no one's ever good and okay. So therefore all nines can never be good and okay. So you can see the falseness of it when you see the nines. Um, even though we think it sounds so true. Uh, but you can kind of see the, the absurdity of it. And it's not that, I mean, yeah, of course, if you got what your heart wanted, you're going to feel elated and excited and all that stuff. But you're okay even if you don't, and that's where the self leadership comes in. Um, and these questions here are really just to kind of knock the record player. That's in the same groove saying the same thing over and over. It's just to knock it out of that groove and hopefully back into the truth message. So these questions I have here are like, well, how do you distinguish a need from a want? And is it hard for you to do that? So a lot of sevens, everything they want, they think is a need, you know, like. No, but I need that excitement. I need that adventure. Um, and then can you be okay if a particular want is not being met, you know, and then someone's like, well, no, well, really you can't be okay. You know, so these are the questions that you want to kind of push and prod and help yourself to develop those muscles where typically you haven't exercised before. Um, so kind of. Push against this message, especially when you are operating through that message, you may not necessarily realize you're thinking it, but this is a rumble strip. So when you're like, I have to get what I want, or I have to be happy. Really? Do I, do I have to, or like, is there something I can see right now and savor right now? So does this help you? And do you hear this message often? Oh yeah.

Marty 1:06:20

Oh yeah. Even if it's like, Oh, if I can just. Not feel that pain. I'll be okay if I can just not be scared or not worry or not You know have that negative emotion then my life will be great. Like if I don't ever have difficulty then life will be great and That's just it sounds so true, but it's not and and yeah that distinguishing between a need and a want I think that really does tie back for me, especially when we're identifying what feelings are true or what's really true in that moment, because that's where I think I can really focus on. Okay. I don't have to be okay right now. I don't have to get through this as fast as possible. I don't have to stop crying as fast as possible. Yeah. I need to give it the time it

Beth 1:07:12

needs. Yeah. And that will feel awkward and weird at first, but as you do it more and more. It will never be like, Oh, I could totally do that. That's easy. Cause there's still going to always be a seven. It's not like you're not going to be a seven, but you'll see, you'll experience the other side, which is so beautiful. But so hard. Right. And so I just encourage you to continue to, um, write down what the leader part of your heart, the beloved part of your heart would say in moments that aren't in the situation at hand. And so that way you can coach yourself back into what's true. Um, And I think that would be really helpful, especially in those moments, like you were experiencing with the potential of death or being trapped in sorrow and grief and pain, and that it will never end, you know, so acknowledge those attuned to those, let those be heard. But I would first as the seven set yourself up for success and to write down what is really true from the leadership part of your heart. Um, so that it feels propped up to be able to hear the hard things that. Can really, um, kind of knock your feet from under you if you're not ready for it, if that makes sense. Absolutely. Has this been helpful? Yeah,

Reflections and Insights on Personal Growth

Marty 1:08:36

it's been very helpful. And it's, it's, um, I always try to pay attention to timing in my life because I think God's timing really does. I think he always tries to teach us things through timing and I've had kind of an emotional week. So it's been, this has been really nice to actually have at this time and talk through these things at this time. So

Beth 1:08:59

so much for being just. It's you and vulnerable and transparent and even crying because I know it's not fun, but really showing up, um, in this coaching session and my prayer, my hope is that you'll be able to walk away from this. Really take, you know, a step, you know, it's not all the steps, but a step and to really savor what you have and then leave the parts of your heart in ways that encompasses all of life while also feeling the joy of life as well. Well, thanks, Marty, for being with me today.

Marty 1:09:36

Absolutely. It was great.

Beth 1:09:38

I am so thankful that Marty was able to be so open and transparent and vulnerable of what's going on in her internal world. It's not easy for a type seven, but I hope that you gain some real key insights in what it's like. To be a type seven, especially when there's parts of your life that are hard or you're having to wrestle through things. And I hope that you got to see her aha moments and how she's using that to move forward in life. If fact, she has partnered up with some other Enneagram coaches and created a company called Work Coach, you can find her@workcoach.co or at our directory@myenneagramcoach.com. you're an Enneagram enthusiast out there and you thought this looks really fun, I would love to help people to grow and it to impact their lives and their families. Well, you can become an Enneagram coach. The first step I would say is to get our free mini course and just see what it's like. You can get the free mini course at your Enneagram coach. com forward slash mini course. so much friend for joining me today. I hope you really enjoyed the coaching session again, and join us next week as you get to hear a coaching session with a type six. And always remember the Enneagram reveals your need for Jesus, not your need to work harder. It's the gospel that transforms us. Okay. I'll see you guys next week. Bye bye.