Beth: 0:00

He doesn't listen to me.

Jeff: 0:01

How did, I just don't understand her.

Beth: 0:03

Why are we in the same fight all the time? Hey everyone. This is Beth and this is your Enneagram coach, the podcast. And today we're going to discuss how to use the Enneagram through the lens of the gospel to provide practical steps, insights, and tools to better understand yourself and each other. Well, a few years ago, we released several resources on the Enneagram and marriage, our first being our book called Becoming Us. using the Enneagram to create a thriving gospel marriage. But also we developed 45 courses. Yes, 45 because there are 45 different couple type combinations and we made one for each couple type customized.

Jeff: 0:44

So when you're driving into the 45 different couple types, it reveals a lot. And I remember when we were working on the type nine and the type six relationship, we were just shocked by how once again the Enneagram was so accurate in describing our, what we call the dance, which is the relational dynamics between two Enneagram types. Well, in this episode, We're going to begin a two part series on the marriage dance, those relational dynamics between the two types. And if you're currently single or dating, you can apply this series to all of your important relationships in this podcast, you're going to learn how to understand the inner world of the type nine, eight, seven, and six, how to have compassion for yourself and your partner, how to affirm and encourage one another. Hey, relationships are very complex. Not everyone grows in the same way and at the same speed or in the same areas. But by using the Enneagram as seen through the lens of the gospel, you can have the fantastic relationship that you've always desired. Now this idea of the dance and we've created an illustration using an infinity loop and also some biblical principles that we've learned along the way. It encapsulates three essential elements of moving towards a thriving gospel centered marriage. So I want you to kind of keep in mind this idea of an infinity loop. But then also draw a line down the middle of it horizontally, where there's something above the line and something below the line. Well, what are these three essentials? Number one is this is that our focus should be on our hearts and not on our behavior. Luke 644 says, Jesus tells us out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. Speaks, James four, one, what causes spikes and quarrels among you? Don't they come from the desires that wage war in your hearts? You see, the reality is that our relationship begins in our hearts more than just our behavior in the dance, which is an infinity loop captures the core motivations for each type in the circle portions of the loop. Our desires are what compel us, what move us. And if you think of a line through the middle of the loop horizontally, you see that now you have both what's happening below the surface, what's happening in our heart or what's happening above the line in our behavior. And if you could see me right now, you would see me working my hands trying to illustrate this for you. With just words, but here's the second thing that the dance captures is that our relationships help to reveal what's going on in our hearts, but what's also important, not only do the do situations activate our core motivations and thus our personalities and how we want to secure our motivations. But we do so with our spouses. So our spouse contributes to the dynamics to the experiences that we are having. And so the infinity loop captures this dynamic where something happens where the two loops come together. I have an interpretation or response to it. I say or do something and then that lands on Beth in a particular way. And so this infinity loop really does capture some of the dynamics that happen between two Enneagram types. And then lastly, and most importantly, and something that we have always taught from the beginning, that the Enneagram is a helpful tool for understanding ourselves and our spouses, but it's only the gospel that can change us. You see, observation does not mean transformation. And so we're able to coach couples how the gospel can fundamentally change us at the level of our hearts and our core motivations. Transcribed That then changes both how we interpret situations, how we react to those interpretations, and then engage with our spouse.

Beth: 4:21

Yeah, that's so true. And so in this episode, what we're wanting to do is provide you with some coaching on how to have a fantastic relationship with any Enneagram type. Now, of course, we're talking about marriage and with becoming us, but really it's any relationship that you have with another person. But here's a few things that we want you to remember. Please don't commit a suicide. Well, what is that? Well, it's when we assume incorrectly other people's thoughts, feelings, and motives incorrectly, and we place that on them. Well, we have to realize that the way we see the world and interpret it It isn't always accurate for that other person, and we can commit a suicide, which hurts harms and can even destroy relationships. So let's take a step back and ask clarifying questions before we commit a suicide. But we also want to realize that we can't change our spouse. And I know I've tried that many, many times, right, Jeff?

Jeff: 5:22

That's right. It's a temptation of all of us, isn't it? Because we, we're in such close proximity that we see something that our spouse may be struggling in. Sometimes it comes from a good desire to want to help. Sometimes it comes from a negative one that we want them to stop doing something. I know this to be true in our relationship. I remember whenever we were attending seminary back in the late 90s, I remember apologizing to Beth. Having really turned away from the simple truth that Jesus who began a good work in her is the one who's going to carry it to completion. I don't need to pick up the baton because he never dropped it and made it my responsibility. So I apologize to Beth for trying to make her into something that she wasn't intended to be rather than joining God in the work that he had already begun.

Beth: 6:09

And also I would say in seminary for me, um, in that same kind of scope was I felt like God was very clear with me. Like Beth, I know that you want Jeff to change and be, let's say, 10 steps down the transformational path. And, you know, that's what I was praying for, but I felt like the Holy Spirit was saying, you know, If I wanted Jeff there right now, I could totally make that happen. Please be patient with my process and plan for Jeff. Keep praying for him, but know that I have him right where I want him. And so that was just really humbling for me to just hand over Jeff to God and trust God in that process. Now, the third thing that we want you guys to remember, and this is so important in how you use the Enneagram, and a lot of people don't do this right, but we don't want to use the Enneagram as a sword or a shield. Well, what do I mean by that? Well, we don't want to use it as a sword or a dagger or something that harms other people. And that could be by joking, sarcasm, belittling, or just anything. Just outright being mean, Oh, you're being such a five, or you're such a six, or I can't believe you did that. You're such a whatever. Those kinds of things, or even just laughing about it, can really harm other people. This is the most exposing people are going to be when you're using the Enneagram. So we want to be very careful and gentle and mindful of others. But we also don't want to use a shield where we're like, well, you know, I'm a nine. Sometimes I procrastinate, Jeff, you're just going to have to deal with it. We don't use it as a shield. If anything, the gospel calls us to growth, to become more like Christ, to surrender and depend on the Holy Spirit as he works in and through us.

Jeff: 7:46

So what we're going to be doing in this episode in the next episode is talking about how to have a fantastic relationship with any Enneagram type. So this is really going to be important as it comes to a sword and a shield, because you know what? We're going to show you how to affirm and love. and care for how to communicate to your spouse in a very unique and precise way. Well, you're not going to be able to say, Hey, well, Beth, you're a nine. I thought I was supposed to be treating you this way. Hey, relationships are very complex. And just because we're telling you what the Enneagram says doesn't necessarily mean that this is the fix all to all of the relational issues. And so you want to be kind, but the goal here, the remember the goal is mutual understanding. Understanding to be able to understand how your spouse's interior world works. What happens when those behaviors come out of these thoughts and feelings internally, how are you to understand and how are you to understand how to relate to them, how to care for them, how to communicate in a way that'll be mutually enhancing. Secondly, is compassion for yourself and for your spouse. Compassion always trumps criticism. There is a path before you that similar to how Paul talked about our relationship with God, that it's the Lord's kindness that leads us to repentance.

Beth: 9:09

Yeah. And so Jeff, what is that you studied under, um, John Gottman, and there was a ratio that I remember you talking about a lot about this.

Jeff: 9:16

Yeah. So what Gottman started to realize is that some couples. Entered into a conversation anticipating a negative response. He called it negative sentiment override. And for those couples, they actually call them disasters versus masters. But those disasters and relationships, um, criticized them more often. Then affirmation. As a matter of fact, he even came down to a specific number that five affirmations to one criticism builds positivity in your relationship where couples will anticipate a positive outcome to the conversations that they have about meaningful things. So

Beth: 9:52

basically you're filling up someone's bank with positive, um, affirmations and encouragement. Because there are times that we have to say the tough things or have the hard conversations and we're drawing a deposit, or pulling out a withdrawal, but you've already put so much deposit in there.

Jeff: 10:08

And that's what all of this we're going to be going through over the next couple of episodes are going to help you to see opportunities to be able to connect and extend compassion and understanding to your spouse. And the last one is just that encouragement and affirmation that the Enneagram is going to help you to see when your spouse is growing according to their type. They're not going to grow in the same way at the same speed and in the same areas as you are. You are both unique individuals and the beauty, the beauty of your marriage is to affirm those differences and enhance them. We love, we love, love, love this quote from Tim Keller. Yes, it's one of my favorites. It totally is. He says this in his book, the Meaning of Marriage Within The Christian Vision of Marriage. Here's what it means to fall in love. It is to look at another person and get a glimpse of what God is creating and say. I see who God is making you and it excites me. I want to be part of that. I want to partner with you and with God in the journey you are taking to his throne. And when we get there, I will look at your magnificence and say, I always knew you could be like this. I got a glimpse of it on earth, but now look at you.

Beth: 11:23

Gives me goosebumps every time. I love that. Yeah. And so here's what we're going to cover for you guys. We're going to. what we call walk the wheel, which we're going to go through each type so you can hear how to love others well, how to have a great relationship with any Enneagram type. We're going to start with nine and head all the way down to type one this, uh, in this series. And so what we're going to cover is. First and foremost, which is the most important thing is the core motivations. The core motivations are why we get activated positively or negatively inside. And those are going to be key for you to always remember. And then we're going to talk about each person's, at their best and at their worst. And then we're going to show you how to relate to them, how to remind that person of the gospel truth for their personality type, how to spur them on, how to improve communication with them, how to relate to them in conflict. And then last, but definitely not least, how to show them love. for their personality style. And a lot of times, you know, a lot of you have done, um, the five love languages. And, you know, someone might give you, like, for instance, someone might give me a gift and I'm like, oh, that's nice. Well, that's not my top love language. But if someone affirms me, man, I just feel like That is awesome. That means so much to me. It's the same with the Enneagram. Different types have different ways of relating. And so we can learn how to love well and to serve well by understanding, like Jeff said just a second ago, understanding each of the types internal world.

Jeff: 12:56

Now, as we get started, there's a variety of different ways that you can walk the wheel of the Enneagram. But for this particular episode, we're going to start with type nine and And we're going to go backwards to type 987654321,

Beth: 13:09

which will match our Instagram series.

Jeff: 13:12

That's right. Be sure to go over to Instagram and follow us there because we're going to be providing not only some of this great content for social media, but there's going to be opportunities for you to share. You can tag your spouse so that they can see what's happening. You can have a great conversation

Beth: 13:26

or your parents, you name it.

Jeff: 13:28

So be sure to go ahead and follow us on Instagram where we're going to be providing additional con content, and then you can also share it with your spouse. You can start conversations with one another and maybe even find some other couples that are in the same couple type as you are, as you learn about how to love one another well.

Beth: 13:45

Okay, so we're going to dive in type nine, which is my type, and we'll start with the core motivations. And just to kind of give you a brief background, when you're looking at that infinity loop in the dance, which is in the course Becoming Us for all 45 couple types, the core motivations are at the center of what activates us and how we think and feel. So these are so important to be aware of. This is why we think, feel, and behave in particular ways. So the core motivations for the type nine is one is the core fear. The fear for the type nine is that they are going to be in some kind of conflict, any kind of tension, have separation from others, being overlooked, shut out, or in discord with others as well. Now what they desire, their core desire is to have inner stability and peace of mind. That's what they're always striving for. Okay. But their core weakness, that Achilles heel, the thorn in their side that they're going to struggle with time and time again, which is why we always need Jesus is sloth. Now this isn't a physical laziness. This is where a nine is going to remain in an idealistic world. Order to keep peace. They're going to fall asleep to their own passions, abilities, needs, and worth, because they're going to merge with others, passions, abilities, and needs and desires so that they can just keep the peace. They go along to get along. And so the sloth means a not knowing of oneself being slow to know themselves. Now, what they long to hear, which is called their core longing is to hear your presence.

Jeff: 15:15

So this next section is about being at your best or at your worst. Now, the first thing that these are opportunities for you to affirm, to just let your spouse know, your type 9 spouse, I see you. And type 9s at their best, they're pleasant, they're peaceful, they're generous, patient, accepting. Diplomatic open minded and empathetic now at times you're gonna see your type 9 spouse may struggle a little bit so they're gonna need your Encouragement. I can't tell you how big encouragement is It is like candy to a child. How would

Beth: 15:52

you know this?

Jeff: 15:54

25 years. This is the way it works friends. Um, you can pay me for it later Um, but whenever they're struggling they're gonna appear spaced out forgetful stubborn stubborn Just just saying Obsessive resigned maybe passive aggressive judgmental and unassertive

Beth: 16:19

Yes, that is very true.

Jeff: 16:20

Well, here's some ways, whenever you see your type 9 spouse struggling, here are ways to point them to the truth of the gospel. First, remind them that they are so valuable to God, that He intentionally sent His Son To live a hard but perfect life to die and to bring them back into relationship with him He went to great lengths because he cherishes them deeply and wants to be in relationship with them personally Remind them that god has blessed them by giving them specific gifts talents abilities and desires Nines, not only Are they overlooked? by others, but they often overlook themselves and for you to see their unique abilities and gifts is a blessing to them and reminds them that God is intimately woven them together for a particular purpose. He wants them to be fully awake to themselves and to move forward in their unique callings to bless others. Remind them and give them opportunity to assert their voice and opinions that God has blessed them with. Often they may stay reserved, but by giving them an opportunity, they end up blessing other people and they come alive to what God is doing in their lives. And then lastly, is to remind them that not only do they matter to God, but they matter to you.

Beth: 17:44

Yeah, that's so good. Well, I know for us nines, we have some really great attributes when we communicate, um, when our heart is in a good place. So we, when we're aligned with the truth of the gospel, we know who we are in Christ. When we're communicating, our style of communication is that we're going to be super kind and excellent listener. We're going to be easy to be with. We're receptive, nonjudgmental, peaceful, optimistic, warm, and fully engaged with where people are in their life. But when we're struggling and we're not aligned with the truth of the gospel, forgetting who we are, we can have a communication style that is not so great, where we can kind of meander in our talk style. We have a hard time landing the plane. We just kind of keep talking until we figure out what we're thinking or feeling. And then we can also be passive aggressive, because it's hard for us just to say what we mean. One, because there's like this internal fog going on inside. And sometimes we don't even know what we're thinking or feeling. But if we do know we are afraid of conflict and tension, so we might be passive aggressive about it. But we can also be detached. And as Jeff said several times, stubborn, and we want to avoid conflict at all costs. So we'll go along to get along.

Jeff: 18:58

You know, one of the interesting things about being married to you for a while there, I can tell that you're trying to land the plane, but you can't quite get there. So you've repeated it a couple of times and we've developed a little bit of a, an enhancing dance that maybe I'll come in and just kind of make the, uh, declarative statement just to kind of land the plane. Even with, uh, we were talking with our son recently as he's considering what options for school and she goes, you know what, maybe it's best for you to talk. I think I'm just making things worse.

Beth: 19:28

I'm not, I'm not super clear yet on what I want to communicate. Yes. Right. Yeah. And then how to improve communication with a type nine in your life. Well, we want you to develop a safe and warm connection with your nine before you have difficult conversations. Um, the nines are going to want to merge. They're going to want to go along to get along. But if they know that That you're receptive, you're open, that you're going to listen, then they feel safe to connect in that way. So invite them to participate in the problem solving process by letting them know that you want to hear from them. That their opinion, their voice, their desires matter. And so help the nine to feel comfortable, inspired and excited for change that can happen in the relationship, but don't put a lot of pressure on them because then they can shut down and get stubborn. So be patient and kind, recognizing there's that internal fog and help to draw them out. We'll be back after a quick break. Okay friend, are you the Enneagram Enthusiast among all your friends, family and coworkers and they've asked you to help them identify their Enneagram type but you're not really sure what to do? Or maybe you're working with a client or a patient and you thought, if I just had the skills and the knowledge to help them find their main Enneagram type we would make so much more progress. Well, the great news is that we've created the Enneagram Typing Specialist course. And guess what? I'm going to teach it live over Zoom, and I'm going to teach you everything that you need to know to help someone identify their main Enneagram type in just three weekly modules. Yep. That means in less than 30 days, you can become a Typing Specialist. Registration is open until this Sunday at midnight, October 20th. So don't miss out because this training will show you our proven method for helping people discover their correct Enneagram type. Join me by signing up today at your Enneagram coach. com forward slash typing stash specialist, and I will see you in class.

Jeff: 21:39

Well, this next section is on how to relate to a type nine when there is conflict. Now, the difficulty is, is that nines have this Spidey sense about conflict even before conflict happens. I mean, I don't we don't encourage you to type your pets But our dog is a type 9 and before Beth and I even begin to argue with our words She will get up and relieve the room. She just knows Mom and dad are about to get into it and the same is true of our kids Well, here are some ways to relate to a 9 whenever conflict comes about First, inquire about their frustration in a kind and receptive manner. Now, it's hard for nines to recognize their anger. Secondly, it's hard for them to actually describe it with specificity. And so, be sure to inquire about it. Ask good, clarifying questions, but do so in a kind, receptive way. Secondly, remain open. Don't pressure them to come through in a specific way at a specific time because they'll shut down. And what's So surprising to people is how stubborn, how fixed, um, a type nine can become whenever they're put under pressure. Next is listen to them fully. They, they can tell when you're not really listening and it's incredibly pain for them, painful for them, especially whenever they're really flooded with all kinds of emotions inside. Next, affirm them and cheer them on when they express themselves directly. Now, I know this sounds weird and odd, but sometimes you need to affirm their willingness to confront you about stuff in your life. Why? Because they finally use their voice and that's a big step for them. Now it's kind of hard to say, Hey Beth, thank you for seeing that character defect in me. Good job using your voice. But seriously, you, it would bless a nine if you did that. Uh, they would probably overlook the character defect. Then next validate their perspective, especially when you feel you need to share alternative perspectives. And then lastly demonstrate verbally and non verbally that their perspective and their opinions matter to you.

Beth: 23:45

Yeah. Okay. So how to show nines that you love them? Well, these are some really great and helpful, um, tidbits for you guys just to put in your pocket and to pull out whenever you can. So remind your type nine verbally and non verbally that their voice and presence matters. And you might even want to ask them, like, sit down and say, what kind of things would really mean a lot to you? What would communicate that your presence matters? And just let them know. Speak, and if they don't know yet, that's okay. Ask them to write it down. Then demonstrate God's love for them by being patient when they're talking and you're listening and they may not land that plane so carefully and intentionally listen to them and then give loads of encouragement and affirmation. Here's the thing. A lot of you might be frustrated with your nine, like they're, they're stubborn. They're passive. They're not growing fast enough. Well, the more you harp on a nine, the more stubborn and shut down they get. Think of it like a gray hound on a racetrack. And there's that rabbit that they're chasing. The rabbit is the encouragement. And when you tell a nine, wow, thank you so much for doing that. Or I see that you did that. You'll see the nine perk up, come alive, and they're going to chase after that all the more. So show them where they excel and you'll see them grow all the more. And then. Give them bold and strong and insertive encouragements. Show them how they represent God in such unique and special ways and that you need them and the world needs them to show up.

Jeff: 25:17

Well, there you go, man. Now you know how to love a nine. It's all put in a box, wrapped up with a bow.

Beth: 25:23

Well, and here's the thing. That's why these courses are so great because we actually show each couple type how to relate to the nine from their vantage point. That's right. So

Jeff: 25:33

if you're another nine, if you're an eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. Yep. We have a course that's going to help you to understand how to relate to the type nine in your life from your specific type.

Beth: 25:43

Yeah, so it's really fun.

Jeff: 25:45

Great. So type eights are next.

Beth: 25:46

Yeah. Okay. So type eights are protective challengers, the core motivations for the type eight. So why they think, feel and behave in particular ways comes from the core fear, which for the eight is they fear being weak, powerless, controlled, harmed and manipulated and definitely fear being at the mercy of injustice. Now they desire to protect themselves and those in their inner circle. And their inner circle is usually pretty small. Now their core weakness, that Achilles heel, that thorn in their side that keeps popping up from time to time, which reminds us we need Jesus. Their core weakness is lust or excess. And this means that they have a constant desire for intensity, control, and power, where you'll find them pushing themselves willfully on life or with people in order to get what they desire. And this particular thing, I try to help people understand AITS better by seeing it as a snowplow, not a Ford pickup truck with a little dinky shovel on the front. No, we're talking about the big diesel snowplows that you find in the Midwest and the North that plow a path on those highways. You can't get anywhere without those things. And so we want AIDS to use their power, use their intensity for the good of others. A great example that we believe, though we never asked him for sure, so we don't want to say he's a type eight, but he seems to be a healthy type eight is Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., where he plowed a path for the civil rights movement. And he did so in such an honorable manner. And so we need our aides to plow that path. We just don't want them to nick us on the side of the road or plow over us. And what you want, what they long to hear their core longing is to hear you will not be betrayed.

Jeff: 27:30

So it's really interesting for, to be married to a type eight, um, because in one sense that they're, they don't necessarily need a lot of encouragement, but there are, there is a path that an eight goes down where that strength becomes the very gift that they offer on behalf of others versus against others. And when that starts to happen, here's what it's going to look like when type eights are at their best. They're compassionate, they're inspiring, they're loyal, energetic, empowering, protective, and self confident. And when you start to see these things, be sure to name it, to affirm it to them, to let them know that you see what's happening. Because whenever aides are unhealthy, whenever they're not aligned with the truth of the gospel, they can be loud, they can be vengeful, excessive. Controlling, rebellious, insensitive and domineering, and oftentimes they will live in denial as to these things happening, but to find your voice in the relationship to stand your ground to be able to speak and articulate what's happening because you know that there's a better part of them for your marriage.

Beth: 28:45

Yeah. That's so good.

Jeff: 28:46

Well, here's some ways to point eight to a type eight to the gospel. One is to remind them that Christ was the most betrayed person ever and that he empathizes with the fear of the type eight. Well, because I mean, just think of the image when Jesus was at the Last Supper, where he was washing the feet and serving a meal to the very men who within hours and days were going to repeatedly deny him and betray him. And yet he moved towards them with love. Christ understands betrayal. Secondly, remind them that Christ is their true protector and strength. In this world you will face trouble, type 8's, but Christ is your protector and your strength. Remind them that vulnerability takes a lot of strength and trust in all that God is for us in the person work of Jesus Christ. Encourage them to try it out and to bless others with their best big heartedness, knowing that God is sovereignly overseeing their lives. Remind them that God is both strong and tender. He is caring and he desires for them to rest fully in all that he is for them.

Beth: 29:58

Yeah, that's so good. I love that. All right. So how eights communicate is really important to understand. So when they're doing well, you're going to find that they are generous and a very loyal friend. They are very honest, assertive, and they have a confident presence. They stand up for and protect those they care deeply for the weak and those that are left at the mercy of injustice. See type eights have a very tender inner core. Their heart is very tender, but a lot of times they're Their, their fear of being harmed or vulnerable, uh, puts a big shield kind of up in front of it. So not everybody sees the tenderness, but boy, they are so tender, especially to the weak and the vulnerable. Now when they're not doing as well, their communication style can be very quick, very demanding. Anger can rise to the surface. They can be blunt and insensitive. Very much, you're going to find them challenging others and very assertive. And they might refuse to see how their communication style is harming others. So then how to improve communication with a type eight is to keep your comments brief, purposeful, clear, and direct. See. AIDS are very quick in their thinking and they want to get straight to the point. Allow AIDS to respond whenever they feel the need and to not be intimidated by their strong stance. They want you to stand your ground and to work through the situation with them. So demonstrate that you are loyal and protective of them and that you will go the extra mile to back them up with help in how you communicate with them and for them.

Jeff: 31:36

Well, here's some ways to relate to a type eight whenever you're in conflict. Uh, first thing is, uh, don't surprise them. Be sure to schedule discussions when you can bring creativity so that you can trend, bring a transcending demeanor instead of an angry, negative attitude, because it's just going to be like two Rams button heads. Okay. Well, secondly, be brief, purposeful, and direct. We've mentioned that a few different times, super important. You need to be direct and honest with an aid, stand up for yourself and stand up for them. This is not about being against it's about being for behave with confidence and with strength, with the type eight. Look past the strong exterior to see their tender heart. Underneath that shield is a profoundly tender heart, and you've gotta find a way to bring that out. You'll find that behind that shield is a tender heart. Acknowledge how they protect and how they. That although AIDS might try to live independently, the reality is, is that they need affirmation and encouragement and you have the opportunity to affirm those areas where you have benefited from their strength and from their provision. Lastly, ask some clarifying questions and give them the benefit of the doubt. Overly blunt and assertive speech doesn't automatically mean that they are angry or attacking you. So it may mean that you're going to need to get used to some strong comments. Um, but behind those strong comments are a very tender heart.

Beth: 33:12

Yeah. So then how can you show the type eight in your life love the way that they can feel it and sense it? Well, you want to share stimulating conversation, laughter, fun, and spontaneous, um, activities and experiences with them whenever possible. But they're definitely going to want to feel your confidence and your strength. Which is what Jeff was just referring to about standing up for yourself and for them, but make sure that you do not betray them by being a gossip, a slanderer, talking behind their back. You need to develop trust and to be trustworthy. Also don't betray them. Show them that you're trustworthy by being vulnerable and opening up to them. This helps them to feel safe and then to open up to you and show them that you appreciate that tender vulnerable side when they do show it. Let, don't make fun of it. Don't put it down. But just let them know that you really appreciate it. And that you know that they are protecting you, but also point them to their protector, which is Jesus Christ, who has their back, who will not betray or forsake them. Keep pointing the eight back to Jesus.

Jeff: 34:22

Well, we love eights in our life. They have been a tremendous gift to us. And so we're thankful for eights. Yay. They're fantastic people. Alrighty, type sevens, you're up. And if you were here with us today, you'd be cheering in the background. Every time we do this.

Beth: 34:36

And they're probably in their cars going, yeah, it's me, because every time we do this, like in workshops or presentations, whatever, always there's at least one seven that gives a yippee or yeah, or woohoo. And I love it. It just cracks me up every single time. So sevens, your core motivations, why you think, feel, and behave in particular ways comes from these four keys. core motivations, the core fear, the fear that you're going to be trapped in emotional pain, deprived, limited, bored, oh my goodness, cannot be bored, and missing out on something fun. Those are your core fears. Now the core desire that you're always striving for is to be happy, fully satisfied, and happy. and content. But then you struggle with the core weakness of gluttony. And this is where you feel this great emptiness inside and that you have an insatiable desire to fill yourself up with experiences and stimulations and hopes to feel completely satisfied and content. But it's like a bucket inside that has holes at the bottom that keep The more experiences and stimulation and excitement that you fill up, the real, you realize, wait, it's not filling up. I still long for more. That can be very disheartening. But what you long to hear is you will be taken care of. That that emptiness will be finally taken care of.

Jeff: 35:58

Well, thanks to affirm whenever your type 7 is doing well and they're on their path to growth is that when sevens are at their best They are fun loving spontaneous their imaginative productive enthusiastic quick confident and charming But sevens have a darker side as well. And these are opportunities for you to encourage and just to simply acknowledge Hey, what's happening in your life right now? I see that you're struggling and here's what I see. They can become self focused, impulsive, escapist, rebellious, distracted, superficial, manic, and self destructive. Well, here's some specific ways in which you can remind a type seven of the truth of the gospel, that one, that their desire, this insatiable desire for life will never fully be realized until they're able to rest fully in all that Jesus Christ is for them. Now, the good news is this, is that what Jesus promises to be for the type seven is a spring of living water, not like an old dried up cistern that can't hold water that leaks and cracks and that they have to fill themselves, but rather Christ. is their very life and remind them that God meets them in the very difficult circumstances that they seek to avoid. And he enables them to walk through suffering, to walk through difficulty with great wisdom and maturity. And for some sevens who really embrace the invitation become a gift to others, especially whenever they're suffering. And lastly, to remind that real freedom. The freedom that the sevens long for lies in the person and work of Jesus Christ alone.

Beth: 37:47

All right. So when type sevens are doing really well, that their heart is aligned with the truth of the gospel and what the gospel says about them, their communication style is going to be the same. Whether going to speak in this fun, lively, lighthearted, upbeat, optimistic, and joyful way. And they're also going to take time to listen to others without trying to take their time. over the conversation. So they're going to have fun. They're going to be encouraging to the other person. They're going to be open and receiving and listening to others with, uh, patience. But when they're struggling, their communication style is also going to struggle. And you're going to find that they're going to be more hyper scattered. They're going to keep the attention on them by telling these long and grandiose stories. And they're going to reframe anything that seems negative. And avoid anything that's pessimistic or anything that might go too deep, especially emotional pain. All right. So how to improve communication with a type seven in your life is when you have to have a conversation that might not be positive and optimistic, make sure that you're going to do it in an atmosphere that it's not too distracting. That's not too overwhelming. That's going to take their attention away of Uh, away from the topic at hand, but also try to bring what is negative into more of a neutral topic that might be hard depending on what the topic is, but if you start right out at the negative, you might see them internally or externally. When I get away and then whenever possible, bring positivity and affirmation into your discussion, this really helps the sevens to feel more grounded, to feel more secure and able for them to actually hear some of those. Um, less than positive attributes, or what you might be thinking is like reality. But when you can bring that positivity, like we can change, we can work this out. That really helps a seven to hone in and listen, and then incorporate the sevens ideas in solving problems because they are going to bring a lot of creativity to the situation. And they're also going to Be more active in pursuing that problem solving aspect.

Jeff: 40:00

So here's some ways in which you can relate to a site type seven whenever there is a difficult conversation that you need to have. Um, one like eighth. They don't like to be surprised, uh, with negative conversations. So be sure to schedule something where you can, where you bring creativity to it, and that you are mindful of whom you're going to be speaking to. Secondly, as Beth just said, to make sure that you use positive affirming. ideas about how to resolve the issue and to move forward. Next, allow the sevens to say what they need to say without fear of being punished or trapped in a long, negative conversation that doesn't have any practical application about how to correct things and move forward. Lastly, reduce the sevens impulse to leave a conversation by remaining upbeat and open to solutions that fit everyone, rather than delivering. just negative feedback to them because they're going to feel trapped and they're either physiologically or physically going to leave the conversation.

Beth: 41:01

So how do we love the sevens well in our life? Well, the first is try to share as many exciting, stimulating conversations. Do something fun, spontaneous with them. Even in COVID 19, I had a type five husband who was married to a type seven wife, and what they did was they did a scavenger hunt with their neighbors, but each of them had to be in their own van. So social distancing, but then they would go around their town. Finding certain things. And so they still had fun. They engaged with their type seven in a unique and fun way, but then listen to your seven, they might go on and on with these fun stories and grand visions and creativity. And a lot of us might want to like, shut that down. Like, Oh, we can't do that. Or that's too big. That's too grandiose. But a lot of times they're just wanting to process out loud. So listen to them. And recognize that they do have a lot of creativity, but they also dislike the mundane, boring tasks of life. So make them fun. If you've got chores to do instead of it being this boring chore, make it fun, make it a competition so that they can engage more fully with who they are. But make sure you give your seven as much space and independence that you can. They do not want to feel like they're being trapped. And then last but not least, point them back to Jesus, who is the spring of living water, that Jesus is the only one that can fill them up completely and give them the satisfaction that they long for.

Jeff: 42:34

All righty, sevens. Well, we love you. We're thankful for you bring such joy and depth to our lives. And we are so thankful. And I'm sure your spouses are thankful for you as well. And we hope that's been helpful for you spouses who are married to a seven about how you can. Make your relationship a fantastic relationship.

Beth: 42:52

Absolutely. All right. So type sixes are our loyal guardians And I am married to a type six

Jeff: 42:58

the best six ever sixes run the world Yes

Beth: 43:03

well in fact You kind of do rule my world because my husband's a six my mom's a six my son is a six and my best friend's A six see

Jeff: 43:11

we surround people. They don't even know it

Beth: 43:13

All right. So six is your core motivations. What is behind the scenes of why you think, feel, and behave in particular ways is the core fear that you are fearful of not being supported, having guidance, and having security. You also fear being blamed, targeted, and abandoned. You desire so that your core desire is to have security, guidance, and support, which can lead to the core weakness of anxiety or angst. This is where sixes are going to scan the horizon of life and try to predict and prevent negative outcomes, especially worst case scenarios. And this is going to keep them in a constant state of apprehension and worry. And the reason is sixes have an inner committee. See, we all have, you know. our thoughts in our head, but the sixes have an inner committee. They're chiming in from all different directions. Well, do you think about this way or what about that way? Well, you could go over here, but what about over there? Well, this could happen and that could happen. Have you thought of everything? And so that inner committee brings us, Dialogue, which brings self doubt and the sixes look outside themselves for that guidance and support and security. But their core longing, what they long to hear is you are safe and secure.

Jeff: 44:27

So type sixes at their best and at their worst. Now here's the difficulty about a type six. I've known this to be true about some sixes out there. Some. Some sixes. Others. Others. Friends of mine. Friends of mine. From around town. Um, but some sixes have trouble with affirmation. We have in trouble. Oh, did I say we? Yeah. I'm sorry. You said we. Stink. I haven't, I have trouble with encouragement. Sometimes I interpret it as you're trying to flatter me or not being honest. But the reality is, is that by consistency. and faithfulness and repeated affirmations. It does mean a lot to a type six and at their best. Here's whenever you need to be encouraging your type six when they're showing loyalty. They're likable, prepared, trustworthy, compassionate, witty, practical, and responsible. You know, it's funny that on the practical thing, Beth's like, man, why do you ask so many questions? Because I'm trying to get to the practical solution. But sometimes she does. I

Beth: 45:29

do really appreciate it, but my mind just doesn't think of all the things.

Jeff: 45:34

And then I have to affirm my type 9 spouse for being willing to affirm me. Yeah. Okay. But there are times that my question asking becomes a burden because really what it is, it's hypervigilance. Um, and sixes can become dependent, unpredictable, judgmental. We can become paranoid and defensive. And these last two are very difficult, but one self defeating where we create our own worst nightmares. And then lastly, self doubting, which just totally immobilizes us.

Beth: 46:07

Yeah.

Jeff: 46:08

Hey, well, here's some ways that you can point a type six to the gospel. Remind your type six spouse that God is all knowing and completely loving that he delights in protecting them from harm and guiding them towards wisdom. I can remember one of my favorite Favorite Psalms that speaks to how God has his heart set upon me, that not only will he lead me and guide me, but he will counsel me in the way that I should go remind the type six that Christ will never abandon them, but rather is ever present and is faithful and true and whatever the circumstances may be. To remind the type six that the Holy Spirit offers peace and assurance through relationship with him I'm always astounded by one of the most repeated commands in scripture. Do not fear for I am with you It's always his presence That is the promise and remind the type six that christ is their deep Joy and hope. It's not in their plans. It's not in their questions. It's not in their anxiety, but it's in the person and work of Jesus Christ.

Beth: 47:17

That's so good. But when you are aligned with the truth of the gospel, your communication style is a communication style that is warm, it's caring, it's compassionate, and you have the greatest laugh. You know, sixes are witty, they're funny, they're incredible listeners, and you engage in a healthy two way conversation. You're not just asking people. You know what they think you're engaging with them and it makes them feel special and heard and seen But they also like the dynamics of the back and forth

Jeff: 47:49

sixes are the best

Beth: 47:51

but When

Jeff: 47:54

you don't need to butt in there,

Beth: 47:56

but when you're struggling your communication style Can be overly reactive, anxious, skeptical, suspicious, you're questioning others.

Jeff: 48:07

She's smirking as she's reading these.

Beth: 48:10

Not trusting and doubting of others and themselves. Well, I

Jeff: 48:14

think all of us sixes, all of us sixes can say that other sixes, we know that to be true, but just maybe not us. Yes, that's true. We do have a little bit of a joke in our marriage that, uh, sometimes. Sickness sounds like sickness.

Beth: 48:34

Okay, so ways to improve communication with type 6, and these are some things that I've learned, you know, in the 25 years that we've been married, is being clear, direct, and specific. specific, as best as I can as a type nine is really helpful. So for instance, if I were to say, Hey, can we talk later? That's not going to be helpful for the six

Jeff: 48:53

absolute worst. My friends do that to me now where they'll say, Hey Jeff, I've got something important to talk to you about. And then they don't tell me. It totally gets me activated inside. Like I've done something

Beth: 49:03

right. So then you are going to speculate and catastrophize in your mind what might be happening. And it could be as simple as. Yeah. I want to go out for, you know, a dinner or, you know, a drink or something. It's like, what? I was thinking of all the worst things that could have been possible. So, um, but also to explain when you need some time alone to process thoughts and feelings. I know when we're not at our best, I, as a type nine, especially can get overwhelmed and want to leave and process my feelings alone, but that can feel like abandonment to you. So I need to say, Hey, I'm with you, I'm in this, but I need to go process before I come back and when we talk it through, that really can help a six. But then, you know, reassure the six that you are supportive, that you love them and that you're faithful no matter what. Be very clear on that subject. Loyalty is so important and create a safe relational atmosphere so that the sixes know that they're supportive and that they can feel the assurance and the loyalty coming at the core of your relationship.

Jeff: 50:10

Well, here's some ways to help you to relate better and to create a fantastic relationship with a type 6 in your life. First, ask if they want to discuss the issue now or if they need time to process their thoughts. There's kind of this ambivalence that 6s carry with them. Is that they want to be able to process with people, but sometimes people don't feel safe. Next, allow them to share their thoughts while you remain calm and have a calm and steady presence. Uh, super valuable for a type 6 to just know that you can hold the anxiety that they're bringing and that they're experiencing in the moment. They will be able to talk themselves down. But to be there, to be a calming witness to what's happening can be a tremendous gift. Lastly, listen to them first, reassure them and give them your honest and non reactive perspective.

Beth: 51:01

Right. And ways to show them love is. Again, to help them to feel secure that you are committed to them, but also show how much you appreciate them. Sixes are some of the most loyal, committed, hardworking, dutiful, responsible, and trustworthy people out there. Clearly demonstrate that to them. Now they do not Want flattery. So you need to say it with honesty and groundedness, but to keep reflecting back to them, what is a high value to them, demonstrate that you are a safe place, that you're not going to judge them for their anxiety. Remember, they have that inner committee that is chiming in from all different perspectives. Be that person that can listen and be a good sounding board for them. Show empathy and support and know that they're going to have some times of being anxious and vigilant. And just reflect back to them what they're experiencing and listen patiently to their perspective instead of forcing them to be optimistic. And then, of course, as always, point them back to who is the most faithful and committed, which is Jesus Christ, who will protect them and always be their refuge and hope.

Jeff: 52:14

Well, there we go. We've talked through type nine. and six. We love all those types and we're so thankful for their presence in our lives. We hope that this has promoted understanding. Maybe you are a 987 or a six and this gave you understanding of yourself and even more so maybe of the type 9876 that's in your life. We hope that this has given you understanding to what's actually motivating them and how that's shaping how they're thinking, feeling, behaving. We hope we've encouraged compassion for not only yourself, but also for your spouse and the difficulties that they bear. And then lastly, some ways in which you can specifically encourage and affirm your spouse to come alongside what God is already doing in their life. So be sure to join us next week where we're going to be talking about the remaining types of the Enneagram, be sure to go follow us on Instagram where we'll be posting a lot of great content on how to have a fantastic relationship with each Enneagram type.

Beth: 53:14

Yeah, and definitely check out our Becoming Us book. And in the back of the book, you're going to love it because basically there's some cheat sheets back there for each spouse to not only know themselves better, but to know their spouse better and how to love them well. So go check that out.

Jeff: 53:28

It's great. We're going to be looking forward to next week.

Beth: 53:30

Yeah. We'll see you guys then.