Hey friend. Have you ever wondered why they do what they do?

why we do what

we do.

So, I, I'm not sure. Of course, they have Beth or, or maybe even felt like your relationship or your marriage has been on cruise control and you don't know how to, uh, put the spark back into your relationship.

Well, if that's you, welcome to Your Enneagram Coach, the podcast, because today we're going to be answering those exact questions and even more.

We're super thrilled that you joined us now in this part two of the two part series, where we've been talking about how to have a fantastic relationship with each Enneagram type. Well, a few years ago, we released several new Enneagram products and resources under the scope of our, uh, platform, Becoming Us, which is to help marriages and relationships to grow through the lens of the Enneagram. First, we released our book called Becoming Us, using the Enneagram to create a thriving gospel centered marriage. But on top of that, we also released an online course, not just one course, but 45 courses. Why? Because there are 45 couple types on the Enneagram. That's right. There's 45 of them. Uh, so these are specific to the combinations that people and we Speak to the Enneagram and those dynamics that are specific to those relationships.

Yeah. And it's really cool because A lot of people when they watch their course, they will be like, Oh my gosh, like Beth and Jeff, like here, like, how do they know what's going on? It's like, yeah, we get it, but we also specify their growth path and so that it's kind of like a cheat sheet. So they don't have to like try to figure it all out the long, hard way, but they have a fast track and everyone can find that at becomingus. com.

So last week we spent some time to cover type 6's and in this episode we're going to cover type 5's through type 1's. Yeah. So just as a reminder from what we talked about last week is please do not commit a suicide with those that you love. Now, what is a suicide? Well, it's when we assume incorrectly other people's thoughts, feelings, and motives which can harm, hurt, and even Destroy our relationships. I want to ask good clarifying questions and ask people really where they're coming from instead of assuming from our personality perspective. But we also don't want to try to change our spouse. That is the Holy Spirit's work where we get to participate through prayer and encouragement. And I know Jeff that you brought up Philippians 1 6, right? That's right. And this was a very significant turn in our marriage, which happened for me in seminary Where I began to realize that, so in Philippians 1, 6, Paul says that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion. So although I have a particular role in Beth's life as her husband, as her friend, it is the Spirit's work. To bring about conforming Beth to the image of Christ, not my responsibility, and it changed my perspective on our marriage. Rather than trying to change Beth or change our children, I have the privilege of coming alongside what the Spirit is already doing. Yeah, and we also don't want to use the Enneagram as a sword or a shield. We don't want to use it as a sword where we're harming And, uh, making fun of being sarcastic with others about their type. This is very sensitive stuff. We want to be very gentle and kind and forbearing, but we also don't want to use it as a shield and go, this is just who I am. Just take it or leave it. That is not gospel transformation. Christ calls us to be more like him by renewing our mind and allowing the spirit to work in and through us. So our hope in putting these two podcast episodes on how to have a fantastic relationship with an Enneagram type Is to help to give you three things. Number one is understanding. I love how John Gottman refers to it. He calls it love maps It's understanding Understanding your spouse's interior world. Now, I know that many of us have benefited from something like the, um, the love languages, which is super helpful. The Enneagram really takes that whole conversation further and applies it to all kinds of dynamics in our relationships. And so by going through these, this isn't going to be simply the workbook. Book on your spouse on how to love them. Although it's going to really be beneficial and move the ball down the court, but it We do promise this, that there are opportunities for you to gain more understanding about your spouse. Secondly, compassion. Now we're going to talk through your type, and so you're going to see and be able to communicate to your spouse, helping them to understand you, but also it's going to help you to have compassion for your spouse. I mean, it's so often that we hear from marriages, I wish we knew this sooner. Now I understand why you struggle the way that you do. Now I understand our patterns and compassion simply always trumps criticism. And then lastly, encouragement and affirmation. We want to help you to see what God is doing in the life of your spouse so that you can come alongside the spirit's work in your spouse's life to affirm, enhance. And love and celebrate, um, what's happening in your spouse's life. And so we hope that this is gonna be super helpful information for you. Beth, why don't you tell'em a little bit about what we're gonna cover? Yeah, so last episode, like we said, we covered 9, 8, 7, and six in these categories that I'm gonna tell you. But this episode we're gonna do obviously. Five, all the way down to one. And what we're covering is each type's core motivations. This is the core fear, core desire, core weakness, and core longing. The things that activate your heart, whether towards positive or negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. And so this really key stuff, this is what's activating you, but we also cover. each type at their best, and when they're struggling, then we also talk about how to relate to them, how to remind the spouse or the other person, the truth of the gospel, how to improve communication with them, how to relate to them in conflict, and last but not least, how to show them love. love because a lot of times we offer the love we want to get, but it doesn't necessarily translate well to the other person. So now you're going to get an inside scoop of how to love them well. Great. So let's start off with type fives. Yeah. All right. So type fives, the core motivations of the type five is that the fives have a core fear of being ignorant. So type Annihilated, invaded, obligated, and incapable. They have a core desire to be competent, capable, knowledgeable, and insightful, but they can trip on their core weakness of avarice. And this is where they feel that they lack inner resources and that too much interaction with others will lead to catastrophic depletion internally. So like, Their internal battery will just go to zero and they can't replenish it. So they're going to hold on to their resources and minimize their needs. But what they long for, their core longing, what they long to hear is your needs are not a problem. So here's some opportunities for you to affirm the type five in your life. When you see that they are being analytical, persevering, their sensitivity, their wisdom, being objective, perceptive, and curious. But there are times when type fives will struggle and they're going to need your encouragement. Um, one, whenever they're intellectually arrogant, sometimes they can come across a very sharp with people. They can be stingy with resources, perhaps stubborn and not wanting to open up their lives to other people. They can be distant, sometimes critical of others, unassertive and cynical. Now those are opportunities, not necessarily just to criticize your spouse, but actually opportunities to move towards them, um, because their hearts are misaligned with the truth of the gospel. So here are some great ways that you can remind type fives of the truth of the gospel. First of all, type fives are tempted to think that it's isolated time alone that we'll be able to replenish them when in reality, Jesus says, I'm the way, the truth, and the life. And so replenishment comes through Christ in relationships whenever they feel depleted. Next, remind them that God gave them the incredible gift of observing the world and conceptualizing it. Now that's really important because it's a gift, it's a gift that's intended to be given to others. Why? To remind them that the world needs them to observe it. Insert their presence to confidently and assertively step into the world with the knowledge and the resources they have because they are a tremendous asset and gift to people and to also remind them that Christ never intrudes in on them, but instead offers them deep freedom that they can't find anywhere else. That's so good. Also, their communication style, when they're actually aligned with the truth of the gospel, and they're doing really well, they're very respectful, non intrusive, they're curious, observant, and they engage in stimulating conversation with others. But when they're struggling, uh, type fives, their communication style can be that they're overly brief, cold, like you said, Jeff, intellectually arrogant, and they might withdraw and detach when they feel that rock. Relational obligations are being placed on them that they don't want to enter. Well, how can you improve communication with a type five in your life? Well, first, keep the conversations focused on facts and specific details. You want to understand that fives, they, they're not going to just drum up thoughts and emotions on the spot. They take time to think and process and gather information. And so give them that time to process. And then. Enable them to fully express themselves when they're ready. In form fives, how long you think that conversation is going to take. If you think this is going to be a quick conversation that you just need to cover something versus a really long conversation that you guys need to have, let them know so they can manage their internal reservoir and resources. And then ask them, Hey, where's your internal battery? Are you at 70 percent to interact and have a conversation, or are you down to 5%? And you need to go recharge so that we can have that meaningful conversation. Show them that you. understand that that internal battery can get depleted very quickly and that you're there to help them to recharge in any way you can. So here are a few things to keep in mind when you're relating to a type five when you're in a tense conversation and conflict. Uh, one, Beth just mentioned this about Asking them how you can demonstrate that you care about their needs. And one of the ways is just asking where they're at in regards to their energy level, or maybe even setting up a separate time when they feel like they're going to be at their best to be able to have a meaningful conversation. You, you might want to tell them Um, what you want to discuss in advance so that they're not surprised and give them time and space to be able to digest and process. Now let's talk about what it means for five to digest and process. What they're going to receive more, um, than big emotions and big energy is that you are gonna need to come prepared with. Logic and reason and data. So there's going to be some work on your part in order to serve them. Well, be sure to make sure that you come with bullet points and brief and straightforward, um, reasons are always best whenever relating to a type five in conflict. Great. And then last but not least is how to show the type five in your life love. Well, A great thing is to be independent and not clingy, to show them that you can hold your own because that's what they're doing. But they also have this internal thought that their needs are a problem. Let them know that their needs are not a problem, that you're there to serve and love them well. And then give them some space, time and privacy to recharge without interruption and without interruption is so key because it's kind of like when we plug our phone in at the end of the day, and we're letting it recharge if we just unplug it after five minutes. It didn't do anything. And so for the five, they really need that uninterrupted time to recharge, to think and process their thoughts and feelings because during the day they've actually put their thoughts and especially their feelings to the side and they need that time to go through them to then process and be ready for that relational connection later. Well Fives, we love you, we're so thankful for you. You mean a lot to us, and so we hope that this was helpful in helping the others in your life to love you well. Well, let's look at how to have a fantastic relationship with a Type 4. Yeah, so Type 4s, their core motivations, the core fear of the Type 4 is being inadequate, emotionally cut off, defective, and mundane. But their core desire is to be unique, special, authentic, significant, and original. But they struggle with the core weakness of envy. And this is where they feel that they're tragically flawed. And there's something foundational Missing inside them and that others possess the qualities that they feel like they're lacking. And so I talk about this for with people is that, you know, when you put a puzzle together, you know, at the very end, you're excited, you're almost done, but you find there's a missing piece in the middle and you're like, Oh, it was almost there. That's kind of how a four feels inside. They feel like there's something tragically missing and flawed. And what they long to hear, their core longing is you are seen for exactly who you are, special and unique. Well, here's some areas where you can affirm and encourage, um, your type four spouse. One, when they're at their best and they're authentic, compassionate. introspective, expressive, creative, supportive, and refined. But sometimes fours are going to struggle a bit, and their heart's going to get misaligned with the truth of the gospel. And so what that's going to look like is they're going to be withdrawn, they may have exaggerated moods, they may be depressed, self pitying, moralistic, self absorbed, and opposed. Possessive. Now when these things show up, this isn't a time for you just to criticize or to withdraw your presence, but rather to move towards them with kindness, with patience, with curiosity to understand what's happening and to offer the kind of encouragement that we're going to talk about in here in a little bit on how to affirm and love them whenever they're struggling. Well, whenever certain negative things may be happening in your relationship with a type 4, these are actually opportunities to remind them of the truth of the gospel. So be sure to remind them that Christ didn't make any mistakes. I remember a phrase from seminary, God does not make junk and he doesn't junk what he has made. Christ made them uniquely and specifically and to remind them that they are flawless and beautiful. Remind them that their tenderness, that their raw emotions and their empathy actually reflect Christ and can bless others. Now remind them also that their ability to sit with others as others experience suffering and grief captures the heart of Christ for others in a very tangible way. And then remind them that their creativity as well as an expression of Christ is their creator and that by expressing their creativity, they become an instrument of blessing in the lives of others. And the communication style when a type four is doing well, when they know who they are in Christ, they're going to be Super authentic and deep, and they're going to express their emotions with this inner balance that Christ has demonstrated for us. They're empathetic, and they're incredible listeners, especially when others are sad, suffering, or in grief. Now, a four, when they're struggling, their communication style is that they can be moody, emotionally intense, explosive, or maybe even cold and detached, where they might be condescending and steer the conversation to focus in on themselves. Yeah. And then how to improve communication with a type four is first to express your own. own emotions more openly to develop that solid and meaningful emotional relationship with the four, but be authentic and real and make sure that your communication with a type four doesn't just get stale, but it gets exciting and deep and exploring different facets and different emotions. Um, help your type four to express themselves with a, with clarity and emotional balance. They really are the heavy lifters in the world of emotions. And then express what you admire and appreciate about your four. Don't try to change them, but mirror back how beautifully they reflect Christ and how Christ was emotional as well. There's some great opportunities to be able to move conflict, um, from harmful to helpful whenever you're relating to a type four. Uh, the first thing is this, to be patient. It can take fours quite a while to be able to express and give words the depth of their emotions and in a full way. And so you're going to bring patience to allow them to be able to encapsulate that and communicate it. Number two, reassure them and listen until they've completely finished expressing themselves so that they feel valued and validated. Lastly, it may be helpful to paraphrase what they're communicating to you when they're done sharing to make sure that you understand them. Remember that one of their difficulties, one of their core fears is to be misunderstood or to feel so unique that they are fundamentally flawed and you just want to paraphrase back to them and assure them I'm listening to you and everything is fine. If you didn't understand them correctly, As for clarification, just be honest about it rather than trying to deny it or look away from it. And keep trying to repeat until you understand them and that they feel understood. Lastly, and most importantly, don't suggest to them or tell them that they're being overly sensitive. Yeah. So how to show love to the type four in your life, be tender, empathetic, and understanding without trying to change them into what you want them to be. See them for who they are. See them for what God has made them to be and acknowledge it and show appreciation to them. Now don't flatter them. They can, they want authenticity and realness. But show them, encourage them, reinforce that there is nothing missing inside them, that God created them exactly the way he wanted to, beautiful, special, and unique, and then offer them the ability to express themselves with creativity, vision, and deep intuition, and then allow them the space to feel their emotions. Encourage them to see Christ in the Gospels and how Christ was emotional, but used his emotions with balance. We love you fours. We're so thankful for you in our life, and we hope that this will help those in your life to love you better. Great. So let's move on to type three, Bethy. All right. So type three is the core motivations of the type three. The core fear is being a failure, incompetent, worthless, inefficient, and not admirable. But your core desire is to be successful, efficient, valuable, and admired. Now this can go into the core weakness of deceit. But deceit for you really means that you're deceiving yourself into believing that you're only the image you present to others. So you feel this need to embellish the truth by putting on a polished persona for everyone to see and admire. What you long to hear is that you are loved for simply being you. So here's some ways to affirm your type three that's in your life. One, when threes are at their best, they are optimistic, self affirming, industrious, efficient, self propelled, energetic, goal oriented, and team building. But, they also have this other side to them that can be surprising to people, but this is an opportunity, as I've said before, for you to engage, not necessarily withdraw, nor to simply criticize. So when you see a Type 3 struggling, you're going to see deceptiveness. You're going to see them self promote. They might be pretentious or vain, superficial, exploitative, overly competitive, and a workaholic. These are signs that their hearts are misaligned with the truth of the gospel and it presents an opportunity for you as their spouse to be able to engage them with kindness and compassion. So how to point Type 3 back to the truth of the gospel? Well, number one, remind them that their value and their worth are not tied up in their accomplishments. But it's tied up in what Christ has accomplished on their behalf. Secondly, be patient with them as they begin to learn that they can be loved simply for being themselves. They've Always felt this need to perform. So you being kindly and warmly present with them whenever success hasn't been achieved, when there's, they've experienced failure is going to be a real gift for them to be able to authentically and honestly share what they're feeling. Next, be their biggest encourager as they discover their true and authentic self. Be able to support them whenever it emerges and be an instrument of Christ of assurance and affirmation Because it's gonna be scary for them. And then lastly just as Christ delights in them and who they are So delight in them as well, show them that you affirm and see how God has uniquely created them. But when they're misaligned with the truth of the gospel, their communication style can be where they're more self promoting and patient with emotional or lengthy conversations. They might get angry or short and frustrated when things aren't going quite the way that they want, and their image might be tarnished and they're not going to be as willing to disclose what's really going on inside them. And then how you can improve your communication with a type three is recognized when they're working. Usually when threes are working, they're very dialed in and focused. It's not the greatest time to interrupt them for some deep conversation, but when you are needing to have a conversation, be very specific and clear about what your needs are. And even give real clear examples so that they know what it is that you're wanting. So they can accomplish it to be ambivalent or to just not be clear, can be really hard and frustrating to them because they don't know what they need to do next. Also encourage and affirm them. This is so important to show that you support each other. And you love them and that you see how hard they work, be positive and then develop with them a clear outline and goals and steps that you guys can do to have positive outcomes for your relationship. Here's some suggestions about how to relate to a type three when you're in conflict or having a type two relationship. contentious conversation. Number one, come with a problem solving approach. They're not interested in just talking about emotions. They want solutions. Next, keep your emotions in balance. Don't get exaggerated in your negativity or pessimistic emotions. It's not going to go very far whenever you're relating to a type three. Next, reiterate that they are loved for who they are and not just what they do. Affirm them on the good that they did accomplish, so that they're not left wondering. Next, show them love and acceptance for whenever they show their authentic and true self, rather than simply just dwelling on their image and their successes. Next, focus on the positive ways that the three can address your concerns instead of focusing on their negative qualities or their failures. And then lastly, remind the three specifically why and how they are uniquely valuable. And then last, but definitely not least, how to show the type three in your life love. Well, recognize that threes deep down feel like they have to do in order to receive love. So this is a great opportunity for you to show them that you love them for simply being them, but they don't have to accomplish anything. Now, of course, we still want to affirm their accomplishments, but we want them to know it's not just their accomplishments that why you love them. So I love you for simply being you is a great way to show them love. When you're talking, keep the conversations constructive and your feedback positive rather than overly critical or emotional, and then provide a peaceful and tidy atmosphere where they can thrive. Remind them that their worth is not in what they accomplished, but what Christ accomplished for them, and that you are right there for them. Alongside them, supporting them and encouraging them as they move into their genuine and authentic self. Hey, we love the type threes in our lives. And one thing that I, I wish I had maybe said earlier in the podcast is that, you know, these are suggestions and, um, in some ways they may be a little bit, uh, stereotypical of a type or consistent with a type, but these are opportunities to have conversations. So type threes, we hope this is going to help, um, The other people in your life learn how to love you better, but be sure to add to the list and be able to talk specifically about who you are and how they can relate to you. Well, type twos, you're up. Yeah. And each time we say, Oh, we love you type, whatever. I'm like, yeah, I may all of a sudden a flood of all my friends. That's Exactly. Co workers and family flood my mind. So type twos, you know, our daughters are type twos, so of course, you know, we love type twos. Um, now the core motivations of the type two is the core fear of being unloved, worthless, needy, rejected, and unwanted. The core desire of the type two is that they want to be loved, wanted, and loved. and appreciate it, but they can struggle with the core weakness of pride. And this is where twos are going to deny their own needs and emotions while focusing on the emotions and needs of others and then confidently inserting their helpful support in hopes that others will show their appreciation and gratitude. Now the type twos have a core longing to hear you are wanted and loved. You don't have to serve and help. You are just love for who you are. Here are some particular behaviors that you're going to see whenever a type two is aligned with the truth of the gospel, because twos at their best are loving, compassionate, nurturing, generous, supportive, hospitable, and empathetic. And those are opportunities for you to affirm the type two. But type twos can struggle sometimes. And what that's going to look like is intrusiveness. They can be martyr like, manipulative, possessive. Sometimes they can be a flatterer, overly needy, and or overly accommodating. Those are opportunities for you to come alongside the two to remind them of the truth of the gospel and how much Christ values them. Well, when you see that your type two spouse is, um, is having difficulty or they're struggling, here's a couple ways in which you can, uh, help a type two to be, to be reminded of the truth of the gospel. First, remind them that they are loved and cherished and cared for by Christ. We love because Christ first loved us. We serve because Christ first served us. The compassion that we have received is the compassion we give to others. Type two. Be reminded that it is Christ who has first loved you. Next, remind them that Christ took excellent care of his own needs and emotions by times separating from the crowds, separating from the apostles, and spending time with his Father alone. Encourage your type 2 spouse to make time, make a plan for their own self care. Next, remind them that all the blessings that God has given them, all the assurances that say, you are mine and you are deeply loved. Lastly, remind them how valuable they are simply for being them, and not valued simply because of what they do for others. Lastly, They don't need to earn the love of others, nor earn the love of Christ, because he is everything for them by love. Yeah. And then when they are aligned with the truth of the gospel, their communication style is one where they are phenomenal. So let's talk about what this is all about. So what is a passive aggressive? They ask incredible questions. They have a warm presence, give helpful guidance and are compassionate and empathetic listeners. Now, of course, when they're not doing as well, their communication style can be where they're actually either passive aggressive or can actually be very direct and give unsolicited advice. And then when they feel that they've helped too much, that they're constantly giving and never receiving, they can kind of get angry and complain about it. And then how to improve communication with a type two in your life. Make sure that you connect with your type two before anything else. Make sure that you see them, that you give them the love and the encouraging tone to set the stage. And then if there is something that you need to say that It might not land on them well, make sure you use the sandwich method. And the sandwich method is where the top bun layer is lots of encouragement and affirmation. Then you might need to say what needs to be said, but you still do it with love and affection, which is the meat of it. And then at the bottom bun is again, affirmation, encouragement, and pointing them to the gospel. And so you want to do this. in a way that helps them to not feel shame and rejection, which is some of their core fears. Help reinforce your love and how you want to walk alongside them and support them in every way. Great. Here's some suggestions about how to relate to a type two whenever you're in conflict. Number one, be patient and receptive, giving them time to be able to express their emotions and to be able to process externally. Next, be patient. Paraphrase what they've said to make sure that you've heard them accurately. If you didn't hear them right, be sure to ask some clarifying questions. This shows them that you seek to understand them and that you value their thoughts. Next, make every effort not to use accusatory words or body language that can shame, hurt, or close off highly sensitive twos. Twos fear rejection and any verbal or nonverbal communication that proves that rejection is coming, they're going to shut down. And then lastly, take the time to focus on their thoughts and feelings with curiosity. They often have given themselves to all kinds of people, particularly whenever they're activated internally. And so to move towards them with encouragement and affirmation is going to be very helpful in a time of conflict. And then last but not least, how to show the type two in your life love. First, demonstrate. that you love them and tell them specifically what you love and appreciate about them. There is so much we can offer our twos in this area because they do so much, but more importantly, let them know that you love them unconditionally. It's not based off of what they do, but just who they are. Take the time to ask them about their life feelings and their needs, because they're always asking about others and they might deflect it. So be patient and make sure you reroute the conversation back to being curious about them and surprise them with creative gifts and time together. You, if you just take Um, some time to back up and think about all that twos do. They have this superpower of knowing what others need and want and giving it to them. We need to do the same with them. Now it might not be our superpower, but let's take the time to see what would the two in my life love, and then let's offer it to them and then remove any hindrances that are keeping your two from taking care of themselves and make sure they come back to Christ and soak in the deep, unconditional love and affirmation they have with Him. So twos, we absolutely love you. We're so thankful for you and the presence you have in our life. Twos have had a such a significant contribution to our lives. We're so grateful. Alrighty, type ones, you're normally first, but you're number one in our hearts. So last but not least, yeah, type ones, the core motivations. That you have is the core fear of being bad, evil, corruptible, and wrong. You have a core desire to have integrity, to be good, ethical, moral, and right. And the core weakness that you have is resentment. And this is where you're repressing anger that leads to continual frustration and dissatisfaction with yourself and others. Well, here's some ways to see whether your type one spouse is at their best or at their worst when they're aligned with the truth of the gospel or misaligned with the truth of the gospel. When their hearts are aligned, they are ethical, reliable, productive, wise, idealistic. Conscientious and self discipline. These are things to affirm in a type 1. It means they're doing well. They're at their best But they do have a darker side where they can become more judgmental and flexible, dogmatic, critical of others Uptight, controlling, and picky. Now what's interesting about a type 1 is that if these behaviors are showing up That's because they've been that critical of themselves that inflexible towards themselves that they're that dogmatic towards themselves. Now it's coming out towards you. So this is an opportunity. Although all love will demand sacrifice, this is an opportunity for you to move towards them, even if it may be uncomfortable for you. Here are some ways in which you can point to type one back to the truth of the gospel. Number one, remind them that there is no more condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. That despite the voice in their head, the inner critic, that reminds them of all the ways in which they didn't live up to the standard, in Christ there is no more condemnation. Next, remind them that when God looks at them, He only sees Christ's perfect righteousness imputed to them. They are clothed in his righteousness and so God will never bring back up their failure but rather he intends to restore and will ultimately restore them whenever he returns. Next, be quick to mirror Christ by being gracious merciful and forgiving. Next, demonstrate that you understand that their inner critic is constantly assaulting them, being kind and patient with them as they try to differentiate the voice between their inner critic and who the Holy Spirit is for them, reminding them of all the assurances that we have in Christ. Lastly, ask for forgiveness from your type one spouse when appropriate. It's going to help them to forgive and to be able to move forward. And it's an opportunity for them to be reminded of the forgiveness and grace that they have received in Christ. And when they are doing well, their communication style is that they're very honest, poised, polite, sincere, and they've have well thought out ideas and opinions. And they make sure that goodness prevails for everyone. Now, when they're not aligned with the truth of the gospel, they can struggle in their communication style. And this is where they can speak in more of a teaching, correcting and judgmental way and become easily irritated, opinionated, and show their displeasure more visibly. Now, some ways that you can, uh, improve communication with a type one in your life is to realize that they're not searching for imperfections. See imperfections leap out at them and their inner critic sees it and assaults them with what's wrong. So demonstrate great empathy. Towards them, acknowledging that they, and that you understand that they suffer under a very spiteful inner critic and ask them how you can help relieve the burdens of that inner critic. And obviously prayer for them is a great way. And to reassure them of what the gospel says about them. So don't commit a suicide thinking that the type one is just out there trying to judge you. Remember that inner critic is berating them, which might flow outward. But also remember the heart of a one is to give advice, to help those that they love and to bring goodness to the world. Here are some ways in which you can relate to a Type 1 whenever you're in conflict or have, having a contentious conversation. Number one, Take a problem solving approach. Be practical in your solutions about how to deal with the issue. Sometimes that they, uh, they don't want to focus on emotions. Next, keep the conversation productive and instead of demanding emotional responses, to look towards a problem solving approach. Next, discuss issues reasonably with your peers. Relying on wisdom, insights, and facts. It's really going to help them to be able to process what's happening relationally. Next, provide structure to the conversation so it doesn't get lost. It stays logical and consistent. Listen to the one's thoughts. Listen to their criticism, their judgments, without assuming an intention to hurt you. Oftentimes, it may come out sideways, but they're actually trying to help. And beginning with an affirmation or giving them the benefit of the doubt, it can really be helpful. But also remember one, sometimes what you think is a gift to others really does land on other, on others harshly. Next, discuss the issues and the facts at hand, avoiding personal criticism and attacks. And then lastly, demonstrate your awareness of their inner critics never ending list by being gentle, kind, gracious, and a good listener. And last but not least, how to show the type one in your life. Love first, take your own responsibilities seriously. Then, point out how good, responsible, and thorough the Type 1 is in your life. Understand that criticism is a sign that their inner critic is tormenting them, and that you love them, and that Christ loves them. Ask for forgiveness quickly when you've done something that needs reconciliation. And then remind your type one of Christ, unconditional love, his grace, and how, what he has done, his life, death and resurrection erases their sins and gives them his righteousness so that they are free and they can be childlike. So type ones, we are so thankful for you. You bring us wisdom and insight and clarity in so many areas where we absolutely need it. So thank you. Well, we're so glad that you joined us over these last two episodes, and we really do hope that this has been a helpful resource for you, not only personally being able to help your spouse love you more. We also hope that this has been a great resources for you, spouses, for you to express your faith through love as you have come to understand what's happening underneath the hood of your spouse, to be able to move towards them with understanding, compassion and encouragement. We really suggest that you guys. Check out our book, Becoming Us, where it is a tool to help you to create a thriving gospel centered marriage using the tool of the Enneagram. It's all about seeing Christ in each other with compassion and empathy and grace. The back of the book holds this map. For each other. A lot of points that we pointed out today, you'll get to see back there. So go check out that book at becomingus. com. Plus a lot of these resources and more are in our course called Becoming Us as well at becomingus. com. And here's the cool thing. It's not just one course, there are 45 courses because there are 45 couple types. We dialed in our course specifically for the two of you. And we can't wait for you guys to hear how to love each other. Well, from. Well, we're so thankful that you've spent these last two episodes with us and we hope that you found it helpful for your relationships. We look forward to be able to provide you with more resources, uh, to help your personal growth and your relationships and your professional life with the insights of the Enneagram through the lens of the gospel. So thankful that you joined us and we hope to see you next time for our next episodes.

All right. We'll see you guys then.