Jeff: 0:00

Well, welcome to your Enneagram coach the podcast. I am Jeff McCord Co founder and CEO and here I'm with Adam Breckinridge the director of coaching We're wrapping up our home for the holiday series. Many of you have spent time, uh, with your family and you might be feeling a little activated. Um, all kinds of dynamics, uh, both the past. There's this great quote that, uh, many pass around when talking about our families, that the past isn't the past, it's not even past. Um, And so, uh, maybe you even feel a little wounded, um, whether things said or unsaid, but just realizing that there's unresolved pain that's still, uh, creeping up on you. We're going to talk a little bit about that, but our hope is to be able to give you some tools today so that you can take care of yourself to pay attention to what your soul needs. Uh, today, Beth is taking a break. Christmas is here for Beth. And so. It's Adam, our Breckenridge, our director of coaching and myself. Uh, today, uh, I do remember the last time we, uh, I did this with a friend. Uh, his name is Travis Stewart. We were talking about on an Instagram live feed on, um, eating disorders and Enneagram types, and, um, Travis and I were talking about it being all profound and helpful and bringing hope to people, and then people started Who are these guys? Like, why? Where's Ben? So, my new nickname that my kids have given to me is Jeff Wachowski. Because, uh, I feel like my face is always blocked whenever I'm on TV. Well, Adam, hey, welcome to the show. Glad you're here with me to finish out this year and give some help to some people.

Adam: 1:56

Thanks for having me, man. I'm always so glad to hang out with you. Um, and I'm, I'm really glad that we're giving Beth a break for Christmas. Merry Christmas, Beth. Merry Christmas to all our listeners. Um, uh, so our last episode for the season. So, um, yeah, we're hoping to go out in a way that. We equip you like Jeff, like you said, give you guys some tools to help you heal and recover. I'm really glad that we're talking about this. I think self care is, is one of the most, we'll get into this a little more, uh, in this episode, but I think it's one of the most essential disciplines that we need as human beings and Yet at the same time, it's at least for me, it's one of those things that we neglect and struggle with the most. And I know that from personal experience. So yeah, I'm super thrilled to be here and I'm eager to dive into this with you today.

Jeff: 2:45

You know, just hearing you share there, a couple of things came to mind for me. Number one, I remember during campus ministry days, um, when, We would meet these students. We would work with them for that first semester. And then the last large group message that we always gave was, what does it look like to walk with God when you go home? Why? Because we, it's almost like we become different people. Uh, we've had to talk to our son, Nate, when he comes home because, uh, he, he's very active, very extroverted, but sometimes when he comes home, he gets very introverted, he, you know. Uh, kind of secludes and gets super quiet. It happens. It's just, it's just kind of family. The other thing that really came to mind that here's the reality for all of us. We are actively caring for ourselves at all times. Whether or not we are doing a good job of it or a harmful job of it, we are always caring for ourselves. And when we, after spending time with. our families, um, there's going to be, uh, whether you're aware of it or not, a natural inclination to go and try to heal some of that pain. And we, we want to give you some helpful strategies, some maybe some insightful ones that would be applicable to your experience, but we want to try to reuse much of a help as we possibly can. And we are in this with you. I mean, it, we don't, We're not just talking heads here and, uh, spouting off information. Uh, we have our own, uh, experiences for this year. I know that, uh, Adam and his family, there's, it's been a significant year of loss for both he and his wife. Uh, and then that's impacted. Also just COVID has impacted our family and decisions about travel and how much we're with each other and, uh, parents getting older and what that's going to mean. So it's all around us. And these are some things that have been helpful for us that we've learned over the years. And we hope that it's going to be a help for you. Well, before we jump in, I wanted to share some things as we were preparing for dealing with our family of origin. I typical, I call this type five wing that I have. I call him Bob and Bob goes into research mode whenever he has any questions. Some angst about a topic that, uh, we're going to be talking about, but I came across some great stuff and it was a book that I had in seminary called, you can go home again by Monica McGoldrick. And she has this quote that I thought was fascinating. And this is more, So, uh, the reason why I want to share this is just to bring to life what may be coming up for you from family so that you can kind of at least come out of denial for a little bit. And she says this, your ghost can haunt you. Voices in your head, sounding out with disapproval, threats of further abandonment. And loss of yourself. These ghosts can stand between you and all that you cherish in life, or they can taint an otherwise productive and satisfying life with sadness. Man, I, I, whenever I see that I isn't that part of the sorrow, Adam, is I recognize that in my relationship, let's say with Beth, that some of the wounds of my family get in the way of Yeah. The kind of relationship that I want with Beth. Yeah, as you were talking

Adam: 6:18

earlier, Jeff, you were talking about how, um, the past is, is never passed, uh, you know, in, in, in coaching and pastoral care, sometimes you get resistance from others, and I get it, cause, I do this too, but sometimes you get resistance of, I don't want to go back to the past. I don't want to live in the past. I don't want to, and I want to affirm that, yeah, nobody wants to just go live in the past. But the problem is you don't have to go back and to live in the past because the past lives with you in the present and it goes everywhere with you. So that's. This, to frame that as this image of ghosts, that really resonates deeply.

Jeff: 6:59

You know, it, it's interesting because in, uh, the Apostle Paul, he had a phrase that one time some, a fairly unaware person once kind of challenged me with that, uh, in regards to the pastoral counseling that I did. And he said, you know, Paul says that he forgets what's behind and strives for what is ahead. So why do we spend so much time talking about our past and I a little snarky a little sarcastically I'm like, yeah, that's where we all want to be. But the reason why he said it it's because we're still hung up in our past Yeah, yeah, we want to get to that. That's the redemptive language that we want to be free from these previous Roles and emotions and pains, but yeah, we can't we can't Our moving forward is held back because we've not brought the gospel to bear upon what we've experienced in our childhood, in our young adult years. Monica McGoltrick goes on a little bit further to say that these ghosts, the way that she defines them, could be number one, strong emotions. And Think of strong emotions, not just as outbursts, like overperforming or exciting emotions, but also, uh, the desire to want to close off, isolate and disengage. Uh, so strong emotions in both directions. Uh, number two, physical symptoms. Uh, does your lower back hurt? Do you, like, do you find tightness in your shoulders and neck? Like are, are, Just even reflect upon how are you breathing is this those can be ghosts of the past? Repeated relational patterns. Are you inclined to do things that you haven't done in years, but for some reason? Whenever you're around family that all of a sudden you're wanting to Enter back into those behaviors and then lastly relational roles Um, it's fat, uh, Beth and I, we've talked a little bit about it in some of these episodes, but you know, whenever I go home, I'm a little bit of a different Jeff because there's kind of think of a needle, uh, on the, on a record. It's trying to find the groove and man, when you go back home for some reason, somehow you slip back into a group. It's like, where did my husband go? Adam, I'm curious for you, like what is that like for you as you think about spending time with family and how that shows up for you?

Adam: 9:30

Yeah, so I pretty much turned back into, um, I doubled down on being responsible and that was the role I had to play. And nobody's asking me to play that role anymore, by the way. But no one's

Jeff: 9:44

even saying it like you're responsible for the party, for getting everybody there on time. Yeah. No one said anything.

Adam: 9:50

No one said anything, but my body remembers and I, I just, I just get, I get sent home. I become eight or nine or 10 and this, that, that was the role that I played, uh, during that time period of my life. And so that's what I become. I doubled down on responsibility. I become, you know, extra loyal, extra dutiful. I work really hard. I kind of try to manage the room, manage other people's emotions and expectations, and, uh, in a sense, kind of caretake everyone and It's exhausting. So coming, that's why this episode is more than I want to teach. I want to learn through this episode. I need help here because coming out of the holidays, I am, I am typically just exhausted and my wife knows she notices and she, you know, she points this out. She tries to, you know, you're doing this to yourself a little bit here. And it's an unconscious thing. You know, I just pick up the roll and I pick up where I left off.

Jeff: 10:53

You know, it's interesting. You talk about exhaustion in that way. You know, there as a pastor and having pastored in the Midwest and now a little bit further down into the Southeast, um, it gets really dark here, uh, in Nashville, particularly in the winter time. So, We're usually dark by 4. 30 in the afternoon. And I remember as a pastor being here initially in that first and second year and realizing people were coming for more help because they were, they were a little anxious regarding their spiritual life or their relational life without fully recognizing. Well, maybe you just need some vitamin D. That's right. Your relationship with Christ is perfectly fine. You just need a little help from your body. Well, I think the same can be true about just the hang the relational hangover of being with family. That do you find yourself exhausted. And it's amazing. I mean, there's a lot of passages in the scriptures about, um, about sleep and about God meeting us in sleep and being at rest with sleeping. But it is, it is a dynamic to be aware of. Do you find yourself coming back home and over functioning that for some reason you have to clean the house? Or do you find yourself not wanting to do anything whenever you come back home and you all the negative messages about yourself when reality is, is that this is just your body trying to work itself out from some of the implications of your past? Yeah. Well, what we're really wanting to invite you to, and I think the key word here is, Honesty and to experience honesty with yourself and maybe with the witness of another person and, and especially in your relationship with God regarding your past that rather than running from it or trying, you know, the way that Dan Allender talks about it, that we are trying to fill numb or blind ourselves to some of the things that we've experienced early on in our stories. Um, and so we're wanting to invite you to honesty. And you're going to see that through a lot of these suggestions about how you can begin to heal from your experiences of the holidays. And that means honest about what happened. Not only honest about what happened at this last dinner or lunch experience, but what, what happened that's led up to this, uh, secondly, honest about the effects of what's happened. I mean, it is so comforting at times for when Beth and I name, What was lost because, uh, whatever providence happened in our early childhood and to simply grieve what was lost, like there's a part of this six heart of mine that confidence was lost and she can ask me to be more confident. She can get angry with me to be more confident. She can overlook me not being confident. But to just simply look at me in the eyes and say, Jeff, I, I know that there's a confident heart in you, but at one point that was lost. And I think we could say that about all of the nine types. Honest about our interpretation about what happened. I mean, I, one of the gifts that I think that spouses bring to us is that they bring a new way of seeing. I never saw. How parents in my family and parents through all the siblings, aunts, uncles, all that stuff, how they talked about children and children are just a pain. They are a burden to bear and there's not a lot of love and affection given to them and curiosity and playfulness with them. It's always this kind of shameful sarcasm and, uh, nicknames that are just weren't helpful. Well, that is. It applies to our interpretation. So our family, our spouses, our kids can bring new insight into what family we experienced. And then honest about how our interpretations worked for our family. Just like you said, Adam, I mean, being the responsible kid, it served a function in the family and maybe they needed you to serve that role. Um, but now with your wife, Carrie and your girls, like they may not need you to be in that role in the same way that you were before, but it sure does feel familiar. And we want to do those roles. I remember, uh, Beth even saying to me early on in marriage, I don't know how to be your wife, which meant I didn't need her the way that she thought I would need her and nor was she going to, nor did she need to be the woman that she thought she needed to be, to be a loving wife. And it just revealed so much of our past and how it was already playing an effect in our marriage, uh, early on. And then last thing is this honest about how your interpretation of life justifies your current way of relating to others, where you are relating. Based upon truths that you understood as a kid that no longer apply in adulthood. And so just to get back to this quote that we mentioned a little bit earlier, that the past isn't even the past. It hasn't even passed that we are living this out right now. You are trying to care for yourself with a number of different behaviors and patterns of thought and patterns of relating. But all of our efforts to resolve the lingering ghost of our family will remain until we're able to name our experience, allow grief to do its work, and embrace hope as we move forward. And one of the ways that we embrace hope is with self care. And Adam has put together this fantastic list of some things and thoughts about what does it mean to care for our own souls, to tend to our own souls. And so, Adam, why don't you start with just telling us why self care is so important?

Adam: 17:05

Yeah, absolutely. Um, yeah, I think about it, now I'm thinking about it in terms of ministering to these ghosts. I'm like, yeah, this is huge. You know, and, and I think why that's the question we have to ask. Why is self care so important? Why does it matter? And I think embedded in that question is this idea that self care is, is kind of wrong. Maybe it's bad. Maybe it's not totally okay. And I think every Enneagram type has a version of this, whether it's, you know, a type one, assuming or thinking that self care is lazy or type two, that's selfish. A type three self care is unproductive. You know, if you're like me as a type six, maybe self care feels irresponsible. Maybe It feels like a sign of weakness. I think, you know, there's this idea that this is not necessarily okay. And sometimes Christians are actually the worst at this, that there's some sort of idea that a love of self is inherently wrong. And I was reminded of a quote from Parker Palmer who writes about self care and why it's not only important, but why it's actually essential and why it's fundamentally good. It's a good thing. It's a beautiful thing. Here's what Palmer said. He said, self care is never a selfish act. It is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer others. Any time we can listen to true self and give it the care it requires, we do it not only for ourselves, But for the many others whose lives we touch. I love that. Self care is good stewardship of the only gift that I have and the gift I was put on earth to give, which is myself. Do you think it's the

Jeff: 18:51

language, Adam, that, that Christians turn away from is using the term self? Self, sure. Because when you, when you think about all of the scriptures, what, because what we are simply, uh, inviting everyone to here is engagement with God. Engagement with others and engagement with yourself. That's right. That's all we're suggesting by self care. That's right. And what does it mean for you to be at the place, that spirit filled self, in order to, you know, faith working itself out in love? Yes, but for some reason we start to once we I mean it would be so hard if you saw a little child Grabbing their blankie and sucking their thumb. You wouldn't say Stop being so anxious Take your thumb out of your mouth and give me the blanket and go and do something. That's right. So unkind That's right. Unkind and mean Yeah, what we're inviting people to is simply to say like You must be a little anxious. It seems like you want, you're looking for some comfort right now. Yes. And as adults, we do it in much, maybe more sophisticated ways. I don't know. Maybe I, I've not found myself yet with a blankie in my thumb in my mouth. Um, I wouldn't put it past me if it was particularly hurtful enough, but I, But I probably wouldn't share it on a podcast though. I'll share running across the street half nude. Yes

Adam: 20:23

Yes, I told you it's my goal to bring that story up in every episode we do together But you make a great point I think okay, let's let's talk about that for just a second Jesus tells us to deny ourselves and take up our cross and follow him. And there's a way in which the Bible that this, this comes back to the way words are used. You know, I mean, trunk of a tree, trunk of a car, trunk of an elephant. There's three different ways. I mean, there's a lot of ways to use the word trunk,

Jeff: 20:52

right? So. I am so fascinated by your, mastery of the word trunk. Just, I mean, I, I w I was really impressed. You rattled those off.

Adam: 21:03

Yeah. Well, it, it comes back to words. Context determines meaning. And, and so when Jesus is calling us to deny ourselves and take up our cross and follow him, he is talking about this part of us, uh, that the rest of the Bible identifies as the flesh. And it's this part that's allergic to vulnerability. It's allergic to trusting God. It's too afraid to trust God because that's too vulnerable. And, and, and the flesh knows like you've been hurt. So it doubles down on that and but there's also there's also the same Jesus tells us the greatest commandments the sum total of the Christian life the goal of Christian maturation is Love God love your neighbor as you love So, Jesus makes this connection between the love of self and the love of others and lots of, you know, Uh, commentators have written about that. Like, there's something about the way you treat yourself. You can't give what you haven't received or you can't give what you don't have. Oh, I remember

Jeff: 22:10

early on thinking about forgiveness. I will only forgive to the degree that I have been silenced by the magnitude of God's grace in my life. Yes. I will only love to the degree that I have experienced the love and touch of my father, uh, uh, that overwhelms me with kindness, um, with care and with love and compassion. And so that's right. You can't give what you don't have.

Adam: 22:40

That's right. Yeah, you can't give what you don't have and, and it is, I'll say, well, I'll say another thing. Just one more thing about this. It is, it is, it contradicts the whole gospel to not love yourself in healthy ways. It's impossible, and I say this all the time to, you know, people I'm coaching because I need to hear it for myself. I cannot, we cannot receive God's love and in the same breath, shame the fool out of ourselves or hate or despise ourselves. Like there's no way to receive God's love and then be unkind to myself. I need, myself needs Needs love and needs care and it's this idea of putting on your own oxygen mask, right? Like if you're on a plane god forbid it's going down. Everybody knows this There's a reason why you're instructed to put on your mask before you help others. And it's this, it's this principle of I can't give what I don't have. And coming out of the holidays, there's, they're, they're naturally very stressful on many levels, financial, emotional. I mean, um, and it's a very, it can be a very activating time. This is especially true right now that we need our self needs. care. So I think the big question is how do we do that? How do we recover? Uh, and move into the new year refreshed and renewed. Okay. So, um, you know, Jeff, you just jump in like these are just some common general Self care practices, basic self care practices that really apply to all Enneagram types. Some may resonate more with you than others, but I'll jump into the first one here. Um, and it's simply silence and solitude. This is an ancient practice. Um, you know, it's this idea of getting alone with yourself and with God. All the Enneagram fives are like, yes, please. Like, I

Jeff: 24:37

would love to do that. That's right.

Adam: 24:39

Yeah. Coming out of the holidays. Oh yes. And, um, This is, this is a pattern. You see a rhythm and a habit that you see all throughout the life of Jesus. I think about Luke chapter five. Uh, this Jesus has had this really busy day of being with people engaging in relationship pouring out Uh, and and then we're told in chapter 5 verse 16 of Luke's gospel And we're told Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed. And I like the message version says as often as possible Jesus withdrew to out of the way places for prayer. So this is like a regular habit in his life where he slips away from people. He loves people. He slips, he also needs a break, right? But he needs boundaries and needs to get away from people to be alone in the quiet with himself and with his father. And so, I think coming out of the, uh, of the holidays and possibly even a rhythm that you set for 2022 moving forward is just a regular practice of silence and solitude. You find a time and a place that work for you. Um, whether that's morning, noon, night after, like whatever you find a time and place that fits your schedule and your rhythm and you start your time with some some silent prayer, like just be still. All right. And, um, I think it was Blaise Pascal that said, uh, all of man, something like all of man's problems can, can be traced back to his inability to sit in a room alone with himself.

Jeff: 26:10

So, cause what happens when you do that, I think that, um, even, uh, not whole man, I'm pretty good. Uh, Dietrich Bonhoeffer even discussed in his book on fellowship and community, uh, is, uh, You're the people who overemphasize community or just as much of a threat of people who over overemphasize Detaching or avoidance of God's people But the reality is is that you you've got to be okay with yourself in order to be okay with people Yes, it it is It is provocative and disturbing. I mean, think of all, if you think of the equal but opposite behavior, think about how much we give ourselves to whenever first thing you do in the morning is check facebook, check tiktok, instagram, uh, twitter, whatever the new, whatever news channel you have. Like you're literally a tuning. Your heart to something every day and that is a way of you avoiding what's actually happening in your interior world Yes, but that's the very place that the lord intends to meet us Uh in these solitary places where we can quiet down and quiet the thoughts in our head the beat of our heart The pace of our breath so that we can simply be still I mean, I think of moses You They're at the Red Sea, you know, there's this passage earlier on it said God could have taken them another way, but they weren't going to trust him. And so he took them this way. They're landlocked. Now they're surrounded by water and armies coming after them. And God says, be still the Lord fights for you. Oh man. And it's scary. It's difficult, but even just take the time to be quiet for increasing amounts of time. Start with five minutes. See if you can get to 15. Just so that you can recognize what it is that you're doing, trying to resolve your past.

Adam: 28:15

Yeah, that's so good. You mentioned Bonhoeffer. I think he, in that same, in that same resource, I think that's where he said, the cure for loneliness is both community and solitude. Then that, like that's the cure for loneliness. It's not, no, it's not only community, but also solitude. Solitude is different from isolation, right? Solitude is I'm intentionally getting alone with myself. Yeah. And with God and so yeah, start with some silence,

Jeff: 28:43

you know, Adam, you and I both have experience with one particular community of people that one of their phrases that they love to use is I'm lonely with you. Yes, but it's such an accurate comment. I mean, but think about that whenever. You're with your family. Let's say you're with a spouse with a sibling or whatever and they are so attuned to the dynamics that happening in the family that it's hard for their hearts and minds to be attuned with you. And we experience that loneliness with one another versus having a grounded relationship, like this is family, that's their stuff, that I am who I am. This is my spouse and I can attune to them. And so it's an apt word. You're right. That to be to as a remedy for loneliness, to be able to be alone is a tremendous gift.

Adam: 29:36

And don't you know, Jesus often felt that way with crowds and crowds and crowds of people, but yet he was so misunderstood. They, they struggled to connect with his heart and who he really was. And. He needed that even as, as they, you know, it's translated there, uh, in Luke 5 16, he needed to withdraw to lonely places and to be alone with the father and with himself. And so when you do this, you want to start with silence. You want to focus on your breathing. I find it helpful because I easily get distracted, uh, to, to, to add prayers, attach a prayer to my breathing rhythms. You know, if I start to get distracted, just inhale and pray like, God, help me be here with you. Uh, exhale and pray, God, would you be here with me? Uh, something like that. Something simple. And I, I just, you know, pay attention to your thoughts and feelings and compulsions that surface. Those are all places where God wants to meet you with grace. And, and after a brief period of silence, you know, you might meditate on a passage of Scripture. You might move into opening your heart and mind to God and sharing. What's on your heart and mind, whether that's complaints, requests, gratitude. I mean, and yes, all of that, all of the above. So I think that's huge. That's a huge self care practice, uh, of silence and solitude. Um, next I would just say practice gratitude. You know, create, create a gratitude ritual that you carry with you. Uh, maybe make these, by the way, these are all great, like resolutions moving into the new year. Um, draw your attention to the things for which you're grateful and give thanks to God for those things. Um, You know, uh, one way to do this, I've, I've practiced this, I've been in seasons of practicing this before is you write down 24 things that you're thankful for in the last 24 hours. Um, I think that, I think some people call this the prayer of examine, right? You reflect back over your last 24 hours or over the last week. And you just start to notice like, where were the blessings? You know, you talk about counting your blessings and that's true. You just thank God for the breath in your lungs and the clothes on your back. And none of it's reframing. You're not diminishing the pain. You're simply practicing. That's

Jeff: 31:48

interesting. You say that, Adam, because that was one of the things that, what we're not promoting here is. To look at your family of origin and maybe individuals and to name ways that you're grateful for them So that you'll somehow think less or that's right my the answer that that's not what that's not what this exercise is It's recognizing that your Heavenly Father has been with you And that he, he is with you even now in this moment. Um, it, it's almost like David praying. Why so downcast? Oh, my soul, uh, rejoice. Like there's a, a way that he's saying like there is pain, there is hopelessness, but also to recognize the providence that where God has been present, where I've not always recognized it.

Adam: 32:33

Yeah. This is not, that's such a great word. And I, I, I felt compelled to say that because I, I can. I don't want to encourage reframing and I don't want to encourage denying, you know, I know we're throwing around some quotes here, but I love Tremper Longman, you know, as an old Testament guy. And he says that to deny your feelings is to turn your back on reality and reality is where God is. So the only way to live in reality and meet God is to acknowledge the pain of And yet, you know, give thanks to the Lord for he is good, his steadfast love endures forever. You know, give thanks to the Lord in all circumstances. So there's an appropriate way to acknowledge like, like you said, God is with me in this and he has, he has, he has gifted me in so many ways tangibly. He has expressed his love. Um, not to mention at the cross, like the most ultimate way he's declared his love over me. So there's, there's this practice of gratitude that ministers to anxiety. It ministers to these ghosts. Um, and it's just an important practice for healing and for recovery. Um, exercise or go for a walk. You know, um, I have a mentor that used to say to me regularly, uh, Adam, you don't have a body. You are a body, you know, you're an embodied soul. So this means that, that one of the ways that we recover and we take care of ourselves is we, we engage our bodies. So, you know, go on an extra long run. Uh, if that's your thing, get, get back in the gym. If that's your thing. I know a lot of times, you know, we get out of those gym rhythms during the holiday season. So, um, get a deep tissue massage. If that's your thing, you know, go on some long walks, You've got to do something to kind of engage your body. Jeff, we talk about this a lot. You know, it's also true that our bodies just hold stress and pain and hold memories. You know, um, Bessel van der Kolk's done really important work on that. I mean, he's done the seminal work on that. And in his book, The Body Keeps the Score, you can read all about that. But, um, there's just helpful practices to release stress. stress and pain, emotional pain from your body and rejuvenate. Um, so exercise, go for a walk, do something to engage your body. Anything you want to add to that, Jeff?

Jeff: 34:59

No, I, I, I think you're, you're dead on here. You know, the only thing that I would also add, I do remember I was at a marriage retreat with Dan Allender and his wife once, and Beth was there and I was asking him, Particularly as a pastor, I recognize that not everybody has resources to go and pay hundreds of dollars for a therapist after every family gathering. And so I just ask him personally in my own life. So I go to recovery meetings and I do my times of silence and solitude. I call them team meetings. And, um, we, uh, I asked him, well, what do you recommend? For someone to do and he said one go on long slow walks And he said if you rev up the body, you're revving up everything inside He said slow it down as slow as you can go and take a while linger And the other one was, um, aromatherapy and I wasn't, I thought that was great. All of our, uh, essential oil folks are like, yeah, oh yes. But I, that stuff matters. I mean, think about it this way, just putting in over the holidays. Um, so in my wife's family, the Fitzy family, they, one of their big things is stuffing. It's a sage. Stuffing. Bread stuffing. Sounds delicious. I know it's Thanksgiving when I smell that stuffing being made. All the memories come back. All the previous Thanksgivings all come back because of it. Even whenever I smell evergreen trees now, Christmas is around. We know this to be true. Well, guess what? That, that also means that our, our body is keeping memories like that with other smells as well. That's right. And so, you have to recognize your body. Um, even, even to think of it this way, even going back home is an experience that you are carrying in your body. When you drive into your hometown, when you have, when you see things, it's almost like the backdrop to a movie, like those are the backdrops to your memories. And so you can expect that you're going to be carrying that in your body.

Adam: 37:23

That's so good. So, so true. Yeah. So, um, so go for a walk, get, you know, do something to, to take care of yourself in that way. Physically. Um, next grab, grab a relational touch point with a friend. Um, it's been said the greatest gift of life is friendship. And there's a lot of truth to that. I mean, we, we are made for friendship. And, uh, so coming out of this, like maybe you just need to grab some time with a friend, grab lunch, grab coffee. a phone call, a zoom call. Um, and just, just hang out. I mean, share your family of origin experience, talk about what it was like or not just, just enjoy some friendship. It gives you a chance to, to, to feel seen, to feel understood, maybe even to unburden some stuff, let a friend be a friend and, and, and help, you know, take some of those burdens off of you. It's just, uh, you know, crucial to recovery. So, uh, grab some kind of relational touch point with a friend

Jeff: 38:23

on touching base with a friend. I mean, I, I, I can't remember the physician and article. It came out of Memphis, I think is how, where I was introduced to it, but it was talking about that the remedy to, Uh, addiction is not sobriety, but it's connection. And that, that is, I know that this is, it sounds counterintuitive, but when you have a friend, when you can be the friend who bears witness to another person's pain, just to bear witness, not advice, giving or caretaking, but just simply saying to them, I see your pain. I see it's consequences in your life today. And I'm so sorry. Is healing to people like you have an opportunity in your coffee shop conversations to be a healing influence in the lives of others just simply by listening to and attuning to people whenever they're sharing these stories with you it yeah try look for that friend that safe friend that you can connect with and share what's really going on in your heart and you will find healing.

Adam: 39:35

Absolutely. Um, create a reset ritual with your own family is, is a, is a key practice for self care. You know, if you're married, if you have kids do, do something to regroup with your crew. Jeff, what is it you and Beth call your family? You guys call it, you guys have a name for it, right?

Jeff: 39:56

That's funny. I didn't know you knew that. That's I do. I do know that. Okay. So, um, Gosh, I always felt like I have to explain this, but it was a nickname that was given to me. So my, my last name is McCord, but I was adopted. And in, when I was around 30, I found my biological mother, um, who was multiple generation Mexican, even before it was Dallas. And so I am this Latin Scottish looking guy. And so my nickname for my seven part is in ministry guys started calling me El McCordo. Uh, and so the name of our family is the El McCordo squad.

Adam: 40:47

Yes. Okay. And what I love about that is it communicates that you and Beth and your children have your own nuclear family unit. You, you, you, you are not, you are not your family of origin. You have your own, you have your, you have your own squad, so to speak. So, um, do something with your squad that hits the reset button, um, that builds relationship. And that reminds you who you are as a family, what you value as a family. It could be a movie night.

Jeff: 41:22

I love this one. I just think this is if there's one way of Differentiating between I and we you know, what's we as my family of origin and who am I is? To have get back into a ritual that says this is my new we that's for for our family Particularly over christmas since the extended period of time each member gets to choose one thing to do over that break You That's it and it could be we go to top golf We go to a fun new restaurant in nashville Uh, I just bought a new game that I saw on tiktok the other day Um, it's called cluster k l u s t e r uh cluster Um, try not to fill that in with other words, but just stay with cluster Um, but it's these little magnets. It's not competitive. But all you're doing is just putting putting these magnetized rocks in a circle and trying not trying to keep them from, uh, gathering together super fun. And it'll be a nice little game night for our family. We'll, we'll pour some fun drinks and then just have fun together. But these little things help me to stay engaged with what's happening in the present, not living out the pain of my past.

Adam: 42:42

That's right. It's a way to, it's a way to even, again, to soothe these ghosts, to remind them we are not here, they're anymore. We are here now. And we have a chance to create new rhythms and even break some generational, you know, curses and move forward, uh, not in perfection, but in a new way with, with this crew, with this squad. So those are great reset rituals, Jeff, that you mentioned. And for you who are listening, it could be. go family movie night, game night, cook a meal together, go out for dinner. Like Jeff's talking about. I mean, let the kids pick a thing like what, I mean, just do something with your family, your crew to kind of hit that reset button.

Jeff: 43:28

So for you and Carrie, what, what is something that you do for your family that's unique, that's different from your, other

Adam: 43:35

families. Yeah, that's a that's a great question. So we do, uh, we will always take the last couple nights of Christmas break after we're finished with all the Christmas parties. Uh, we've we've done, you know, we've opened all the presents. We've done all the rounds with all the family and friends and all of that. We take the last two or three days of Christmas of Christmas break. And it's really similar to what you're saying, Jeff. We left each each of our girls. We have three daughters pick something that they want to do during the day. I'm typically off work during that time. And so each one of them gets a special date. And then we just do late night movie nights and game nights. We have a big dining room table and are one of our favorite things to do is, um, my oldest daughter and my wife will be on one into that table with puzzles. And they'll be, they'll be putting puzzles, they'll be working on puzzles together while the other girls and I will be down at the other end of the table, uh, the other two and myself and we'll be coloring and it's just a thing. And, you know, like, I'm a record, you know, you know, Jeff, I'm a, I'm a vinyl record guy. So we've got like music playing the whole time and we just. We just create these, these moments together like that. And it's just, it's just a way to minister to everyone to say, look, I know the last few days have been good, but also hard and stressful and, and, and a little, little, you know, anxious. And, but this is, this is us hitting a reset button, regrouping. Spending quality time, making our own memories, building, you know, having these relational touch points with each other. Um, and, uh, and then of course the last night before school starts back, we like, shut it, we get back in the militant mode. You guys are going to bed at 6 PM. Uh, what's that Christmas song where they have that line where it's like, mom and dad can hardly wait for school to start again. Like that's, that's by that point. By that point, Jeff, Carrie and I are not only wounded from our family of origin story, but we're wounded from our own children. Uh, and we need them to go back to public school. Um, yeah. Well, even

Jeff: 45:47

with young adult kids, to be quite honest with you, like we're, we're starting to have our own rhythm of life and it's more like, you know what, Nate and Libby, it's a time for you to go back to school and you're like, you know what, I'm tired of being around mom and dad. I want to be around my friends and get back into my own routines. I will say this too about the little game that I was telling you, that cluster game I was telling you about. We as a family have never been able to play games together. We can't do any games and we've tried multiple times over the years and it never works And so I just want to tell everyone that even like we're still trying we're still creating these opportunities To connect with one another We haven't solved anything. Um, but I happen to be look or surfing around on tick tock one day and found this whole gaming side of tick tock and found one that I thought, okay, that's not gonna be as competitive. So maybe we won't argue through this one. So it's hopeful. I'll have to, I'll let you guys know in the new year whether or not we made it or not.

Adam: 46:54

So good. Well, just a couple more of these here. I think we've already kind of mentioned this, but one helpful practice of self care. This one has to do with a little more on the on the abstaining side of the scale, but you want to kind of limit. some of those escapist or indulgent behaviors. Um, you know, when you're activated, sometimes we just, we just want to escape or indulge, you know, and, uh, reach for the fix. You know, when I, when I'm anxious, when I get activated, I want to reach for the fix. And sometimes the fix might be, you know, my five part kicking in of withdrawal and shutting down. Sometimes it's my seven part, seven wing kicking in and it's like, let's indulge, let's go big, let's consume, let's numb, you know? So, um, and I think there's appropriate ways to, to withdraw and to like, indulge and eat, drink and be merry, certainly. But you have to have the discernment to know is this, is this self care? Or is this escaping something? Is this numbing something? So you think about, yeah. Were you going to add something there, Jeff?

Jeff: 48:02

No, no, no, no. Yeah. Just agreeing to the reality of it. Is it, um, you know, there, there are times to give one another the space to kind of, uh, maybe go on a walk, but let that time be intentional whenever you are getting a time alone. Um, but yeah, there are definitely, Breeze. I mean, there's, we're disassociating when these things happen and we're trying to just calm everything down around us. Uh, so we want to limit those opportunities or to use alone time for intentional reasons, not just to disassociate and not feel.

Adam: 48:38

That's right. That's right. So whether it's screens, food, drink, you know, excessive cleaning, working, shopping, like instead of reaching for escape, reach for presence, you know, reach for. I'm gonna, I'm gonna stay engaged. Um, like again, it's totally appropriate to, with, to, to withdraw to those lonely places or, uh, man, watch, do, do a little Netflix binge. Like I'll, I'll, I love that. Right. Have some popcorn and watch a few of your favorite episodes of some. There's that's great. That's great. It's a beautiful, restful, uh, self care. But, uh, the other people around you will probably can, like, if you're, if you're married or you have close friends, can probably help you discern whether or not this is, you're doing this in a healthy way or not. Um, I think about Kyle, our, our friend Kyle Turner. You know, to give a little shout out to him, when he said as a type nine, um, he had said that, you know, we were, he, we were talking with him, uh. At ACC about how do you know if when you're playing games on your phone, how do you know if it's disassociation and like, um, escaping numbing, uh, or if it's just like self care. I'm just doing this because I enjoy it and it's, it's restful. And he said, um, if my wife is lonely with me. It probably means it's, it's not like I'm doing, I'm, I'm doing this too much. It's probably escape, escapist type stuff. So check in with, check in with the people that you do life with and they can help you with some feedback on that. So last one, a really simple, just do something for you. You know, this could be something that we've already mentioned. This could be nurturing your hobby. It could be developing a new hobby that you've like, you want to carry with you into the new year, cooking, reading, making music, writing. I wrote a song recently. I haven't written a song in a long time. I used to write songs all the time. And my, my brother in law turned 40 and I wrote a fun song, making fun of him. And, uh, and it was, it was so, it was such a good, uh, self care thing for my wife said you've got to do more of that. Um, you know, woodworking bird watching, like, you know, my wife likes to color, like she'll buy these, these like complex adult coloring books and like, um, so give yourself a snow day, like just a free day to, to do something just for you and feel no guilt or shame about it. God, God is that generous that he would love to just bless you with, with something like that. So those are some tips and some things that I'm, I'm trying to embody and practice myself, Jeff, in terms of just recovering and taking care of myself.

Jeff: 51:22

Man, what a fantastic list. I really super appreciate you putting those thoughts together. And yeah, some of them sadly are very obvious to us. We know that they would be helpful, but we've never had the, uh, We've given ourselves permission, uh, to do them. Now you'll notice none of this included actually seeing a mental health professional. These are things that you can simply do yourself to tend to your soul. We're not promising ultimate healing here and, uh, the chains of these ghosts of the past are, are no longer present. That's not what we're promising here, but we are promising connection, connection with God, connection with others, and connection with your own soul. Um, one thing I'd like to end with. Uh, is a passage that has meant a ton to me as I have embarked upon this journey of allowing Christ to touch my family of origin in the story that, um, that we had together. And it's from Isaiah 61 and it says this, it says, the spirit of the Lord God is upon me to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning. The garment of praise instead of a faint spirit that they may be called oaks of righteousness. They shall, they shall build up ancient ruins. They shall raise up the former devastations. They shall repair the ruin cities, the devastation of many generations. So here's the good news that God will not never leave you nor forsake you, and that he intends. To bring healing for your life, no matter where you're at. I, I, one song that I love, um, I'm forgetting his name right now who wrote it, but it was the idea that if you're lost, you can always be found. And no matter where, where you're at or what you've experienced, there is hope that the Lord will help you to heal. Well, guys, we hope you've enjoyed, uh, the podcast for 2021 and particularly this episode, so hopeful that it would be, uh, helpful to you. We're excited about the new content and, uh, even some, uh, new changes to the podcast in 2022. We'll be taking a short break at the beginning of the year to work on some fun, new additions to the podcast and prepare for all of that, but we're looking forward to all that's ahead in 2022. If you can keep this really, really quiet, we've not announced it anywhere, but we're releasing our next book next year.

Adam: 53:59

What was that, Jeff? I didn't hear. I didn't quite hear that.

Jeff: 54:03

Oh man, if you missed it, bro, I'm sorry if you missed it.

Adam: 54:06

You guys hit that, uh, the 15 second back button a couple times, uh, and, uh, just turn the volume up real loud and listen very closely and you'll hear.

Jeff: 54:17

That's, that's the joys of being a last episode of the year. Listener, you get big surprises. Thanks for joining us. Don't forget to check out the show notes as well and all the resources mentioned in the episode and the episodes that we previously did with our guests. And always remember this, the Enneagram reveals our need for Jesus, not our need to work harder. It's the Gospel that transforms us